now we’re partyin’
2001-11-24-2:51 p.m.
“Now we’re partyin’! That’s what it’s all about!”
I worked 10-12am yesterday, and then from 2-4. Gi is in town for Thanksgiving, so took me out to lunch on my break. Actually, I paid. We annoy each other by paying for things.
Lisa brought me the tape of this last Tuesday’s Buffy that I missed. Ohhhh boy.
After work, my dad picked me up in front of my school house, and we, Toby, and Ari went to Long Beach. We parked next to a Hooters, but dad wouldn’t take us inside. We ended up at this sort of posh italian restaurant, which is NOT the place you want Ari in when she’s excited. I was amused.
Ari and I and dad split a pineapple-black olive pizza with absurd amounts of cheese and BOY did I pay for THAT this morning. Toby had her own angel hair pasta. It had oregano sprinkled on the edges of the dish, all hoity-toity like.
We walked back to the car after dinner. Ari made the whole trip with the leftover pizza in a box on her head, garnering much props from onlookers.
After a quick locker-type hustle, changing the stuff in our pockets for stuff in the car, and vice versa, we made our way to the Long Beach Arena, by following two hotties in matching jeans and identical butts.
Our seats sucked badly, but my dad taught us how to walk around the lower level aisles without getting hassled too much, so we actually saw something.
Jimmy Eat Worlds was the first band, pretty ok, but nothing too memorable for me. Tenacious D was next, which is Jack Black and his brother Kyle (Kitsch, Kay). They were REALLY funny. Real Dr. Demento type stuff, and totally living the life.
But then…there was WEEZER! It was a tiny stage. I would have given ANYTHING to be in the mosh pit, or even content just to be on the floor. The guards were wise to us by then, so we saw most of Weezer from our seats, five rows above the nosebleed section, and only one row above a group of stoners. Gotta love that smell.
I cant believe THIS shit. They guards harrass three little girls walking around, but just shrug when I mention the drugs. Because obviously WE were the problem. Not that I really mind, the pot. Hell, if not for my sister, I might have asked them to share. If not for my dad, my sister might have asked them to share. If not for us, my dad would DEFINITELY have asked them to share. But that’s not the POINT. They even got on some kids for standing up, even with a thick cloud of sweet smoke hanging in the air a couple feet away.
But the band was good. They knew just how to fuck with the audience, and make us go insane.
When we got home, I watched the tape. Several times. I really really like the last act, where Spike and Buffy…umm…destroy the house they’re in. Fantabulous.
Winnie (a co-worker) and I just discovered that CLICC’s water machine gives hot water as well as icy. I’ve gone and bought lots of instant things now, as well as some candy. As I type, a bowl of kimchi ramen is softening! Yummy! Oh, and Hershey’s Marshmallow Bells are made with K-gelatin. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but I feel a LOT less guilty eating them.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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cups of noodles
2001-11-26-10:30 a.m.
Woo. I’m spitting up blood. Yay. I hate winter. A LOT.
Saturday, I worked from 1-6. I hugely entertained Paggy and Winnie with my closing announcements. “CLICC closes in 10! Logoff! Get out! Thank you!” They were draping themselves over the counter, laughing their heads off. “She said THANK YOU!” They were even more impressed when it worked. I’ve closed wayyyy too often. Robert and I have both adopted the bartender stance on closing. “Closing time! We’re closed people! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here!”
My mom picked me up after work, and we went to El Pollo Loco, and then to Olivia’s. Olivia is the mother of one of my mom’s friends. She and her husband, Elliot, are from Ireland. My mom takes care of them because their children cannot, and because my mom loves to hear them talk. They are very kind. A darlin’ couple.
“A darlin’ couple” comes from this play I saw once, in Stratford, Ontario, Canada. It was the only time I’ve been in Canada. The play was Juno and the Paycock about an Irish family in dire straits. Its a very dark play, but there is one character, the father’s best friend, who calls everything “darlin’” in that delightful brogue.
I’ve been turning in early early lately, and need to start taking multivitamins again.
Yesterday, Sunday, I fought with my father, almost as soon as I was awake. He LOVES to pick the stupidest fights with me, and act as though they’re my fault. He says its cowardly to walk away, but when my dad is SO bored that the only thing he can do is pick on me (NEVER Toby), the only thing I can do to make him shut the hell up is to walk away. Neither of my parents can take my brand of humor very well, which is annoying, because everyone else thinks Im the next Janeane-fuckin-Garafalo. Kind of a “Jesus hates you, but everyone else thinks youre swell” thing. See, but then last night online, my dad was being just as pretty as you please to me. Both my parents have this amazing ability to forget that they’re dicks.
I helped my sister with her algebra last night because she was LOATHE to ask my dad for help. I really like factoring simple equations. I think I helped her a bit.
Lisa has a quiz up. I got 60%. I made my own quiz. Toby got 50%. John got 100%. I think I typed in Lisa’s email addy wrong…
Toby made one too, but I havent been able to get to it.
I’m hungry. I wonder where I can get hot water on campus. Probably at a coffee shop. I’m a genius! See, no one’s touched all those instant soups I left here, including the remaining Cup O’ Noodles (chicken and vegetable! my favorite!). So I’m pondering jacking it. But I have this work Im avoiding…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Island in the Sun by Weezer
- Closing Time by wossnames?
it’s been a while
2001-12-15-7:18 a.m.
It’s been a while. Im sorry.
The world has changed. George Harrison has died. Bush has gone over the edge. Christopher has a girlfriend. I’ve finished this quarter mostly alive.
I’m getting sick again. I think it has something to do with me being a Libra. I read on witch.net that Libra’s get sick when they dont have enough social interaction. Witch.net has changed too. No more astrology section. Its all about the webmistress now. It used to be useful, now its just like every homepage on the web.
Lisa is about the only person I more or less consistently talk to now. I’ve been trying to get a hold of Anna, but she’s been a dickens to find. Rachel told me she saw Anna in the village. It was probably misrepresented, but Rachel said that Anna seemed angry at me.
Anna and I talked after Thanksgiving, and I had told her we really couldnt talk or do anything until after my finals. She said she understood. When I called Katie-bird a couple days ago, she said Anna had been sick the last couple of weeks, and Rachel had seen her on her first day out.
In that particular conversation, Rachel managed to drop in the fact that Christopher has a girlfriend. I didnt care to press the issue, as I was already late for work that day.
I’ve been torn apart, built up, and tired.
I’ve managed to completely turn my schedule around the last few days, staying up all night, going to bed at noon, waking up at 8pm. The last paper for my cog psy class is still unwritten. I’m either going to fail the class or take an Incomplete. Half of me wants to fail the class, to take it over, to try to do it right this time. The other half just wants to be done with it.
I just watched an episode of A Different World. They have passion. They have reverence. I wish I had that.
My puppy’s tail caught fire today. My sister had lit all the candles in the house because she was afraid that the wind would blow the power out as it has for nearly a mile in every direction. Luckily, only a chunk of fur is singed away, but it mars her beautiful fur so…
Today, I took 2 hours from a guy who was graduating. He’s a lead, so I get an extra 3 dollars for taking his shift. When I got off of work, it was raining. And wearing my sandals had seemes like SUCH a good idea when I had put them on the day before. I ALWAYS skid on Powell steps when theyre wet.
This guy saw me skid and recover. He’s asian, 27, and talks into his chest. I think his name is Voctor. He works full-time at YRL. He followed me almost all the way home, trying to step to me, which I thought was funny. I felt bad for him, so I didn’t tell him outright “no”. He’s kind of creepy.
If I see him again, I’m going to be upfront. I dont want to torture him as I’ve been tortured.
I’m kinda pissed at John. I wrote a poem, about what most of my poems are about, and his response was simply “very astute”. Yes, we all knew I’m an observer of human nature. Yiloc is in awe of my observational skills.
Tim, this one consultant, shook my tummy roll on his way out day before yesterday. It amused and shocked me. I like Tim. He’s an airy spirit. He’s nearly as cool as me.
My dad took me and Lisa out yesterday at 3 in the morning to Denny’s. Now he has five daughters: Me, Toby, Ari, Anna, and Lisa. Hehehe.
Apparently my sister is entering the world of stand-up. Yet another thing she does that I’ve always wanted to do, that I’ve tried and failed.
It’s 7 in the morning. Tonight Im going with my mom to Corky’s birthday party, and we’re staying the night in a hotel. I need to get my sleeping schedule back.
I’m feeling light-headed.
Someone told me Netscape was going to discontinue the browser. Good riddance. Now maybe we can focus on optimizing I.E. for macs.
There are children in this world, even as recently as 1970, we’ve found kids raised apart from society. Well, it’s only impressive in the Western World, I think. I saw a thing on backwoods orphanages in China, and my mom told me about orphanages in Russia, where the same thing happens, kids are abused and kept tied down their entire lives, never taught to read or talk or anything, just kept alive. It’s considered “The Forbidden Experiment” to use these for research, to try to teach them language, because scientists can’t always be humans, too. Genie, the girl found in L.A. in 1970, died in an adult orphanage after her doctors abandoned her.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Walk On
- For Once in My Life, the Stevie Wonder version
- Tom Lehrer’s Christmas Carol — that one’s gonna stay with me all season. It always does.
badazzed
2001-12-20-6:23 p.m.
I really hate Gwen Stefani’s new song/style. She looks awesome though.
I’m writing more sporadically not because I’m any more busy than I was a few weeks ago, but because Im not feeling things anymore. I mean, disgust, anger, all thoser are still alive and kickin, but theyre getting pretty damn commonplace. Love, warmth, that’s pretty much gone right now.
I need to go shopping.
My dad picked me up and took me to the huge Downtown branch of the LAPL. It’s the most beautiful place in the world, but their computer system is unbelievably fucked up. They need Jacob to go in and clean their shit up.
There’s a LOT of traffic between my house at school and the Library. It took nearly an hour to go a few miles. We tried to go by the 405 at first, which is just a joke, and then we tried Wilshire, which is just as funny, if you live in L.A.
Anyway, I tracked Eric Lenneberg’s Biological Foundations of Speech’s ass down and it is mine now. I also found a few articles. I may be able to do this paper after all. My cog psy professor agreed to let me have an “Incomplete”, on the understanding that I will turn in the paper by New Years Day. Well, I didnt have any plans anyway. He is a good, kind man, and very handsome for his height, I might add. *gg*
I havent seen anyone except Y? and Caron in ages. Im feel myself get sick, and I keep thinking that its because Im a Libra.
I slept at my parents’ house last night, with Maggie and Israi on top of me for part of the night. Hehehe. Cuddle-pumpkin! Israi has a plush squeaky soccer ball that’s her new favorite. She’s sooooo cute when she has a favorite toy. She carries it around and shows it to everyone, and wont let anyone take it from her. Once I get the toy, Ill throw it, and she’ll scrabble down my mother’s hardwood floors to get it. Hehehehehe. My baby shnooky-punum!
Anywho. My dad woke me up at like 11am this morning, and when I got ready, he was still in his bathrobe asleep on the couch. We didnt get out of the house until nearly 1. I did, however see Comedy Central’s new gameshow, Beat the Geek. I could BE on that show! I could OWN that show.
I futzed around with Macromedia Flash some more. Its my current dream to become a notorious Flash movie maker on the Portal.
Shamaun sold me his last 3 hours today, and even patted me on the shoulder when I took them. Just him and me Sunday. This could be interesting.
Eric V and I went to Yoshinoya. He sprang, cause I bought him a Pizookie during Finals week. I got a combo. Mmmm. He just got a clam chowder. I wanted to sit down and eat and he had to bounce, but it was still cool to do SOMETHING.
After I ate, I swung by the DAMS to see if Sarah was there. She wasn’t. So here I am.
I have 35 pages of a novel, if its double-spaced, TNR, and 12pt. Its not though. I keep it single, TNR, 10pt, so its only 15 pages. Ah well.
My dad wants to take me in for my driving test soooooon. I want to let him do that. I just need to find my driver’s handbook. And the nerve. While he was driving me to the Library last night, he kept falling asleep at the wheel, and nearly hitting people. I dont know if I feel comfortable driving with people like him on the road.
I noticed my car has a crunched front corner. My dad says its been like that since he got it. I guess I dont have the mad observational powers I thought I did.
Julia made new tags for next quarter. She put a Superman Logo on hers, behind her name, and threw out Erin’s, which had one too. It was funny. Anand makes his own tag, which is beautiful. I want to do that too. Mine would have a Flash or Green Lantern logo on it, I think. Not as easily recognizeable as the S, but just as badazzed.
I just paid Caron 60 of the 80-something I owe her. I was gonna go grocery shopping tonight. Nevermind.
Algy is supposed to come pick me up at 9. Maybe we can go meet Caron for Lord of the Rings. If he comes. He didnt come the last time he promised to, which was Thanksgiving weekend.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Do You Know the Muffin Man?
xxxx
2001-12-23-2:14 p.m.
I’m at work now.
I wrote this to my sister earlier today as an email:
I’ve been trying to get into this one library that stays open the exact hours that I work. I thought I was pimp by getting up hella early today, but it doesnt open til my shift starts. EVERYTHING on campus is closed. Im gonna buy pizza for me an’ Shamaun an’ the whole three patrons that will be in the lab today.
I made a new logo for my site yesterday. Its beast. Check it out. I also have a guestbook now.
Yesterday, some girl had a grande maul siezure in the lab. She bit her tongue really bad and it was gross. I was watching the Breakfast Club on one of the DVD’s that this guy Nam brought in for us. I had already watched Batman Beyond: Joker’s Return. He also brought in Joe Dirt and Tomb Raider which he watched and A Knight’s Tale which Jessica watched art my extreme recommendation (HEATH HEATH HEATH!!!!).
Anyway, I look up and Nam is all “this girl is having a siezure!” and I roll on up to the phone and call 911, and they start asking me dumb questions like “what does she look like?” (uhhh, like a mass of human and clothing siezing on the floor?) and “how old is she?” (have I SEEN her? no. she’s college aged, dammit!). And then I hear the CSO that’s already there talking into his walkie talkie, and I also hear it on the 911 op’s scanner. So I told him “Look, I hear the CSO on your scanner” and the op listens to the scanner for a minute and goes “She’s bleeding from her mouth?” (Apparently. YEEEESH).
So the girl came around wayyy before the EMT’s get there, and we’re all cleaning her up and I backed up her files she was working on, and eventually we help her sit up, and she’s all embarrassed, but she’s fine, and the EMT’s get there, and its all gravy, so I go back to watching my movie.
I’d never seen the Breakfast Club before. It was kinda cool. I like Judd Nelson’s character a lot. I hate the end where Ally Sheedy gets the makeover and conforms and lives happily ever after because she doesnt look like the incredibly cool freak that she is anymore. That part sucked rhino. I also dislike the part where the geek gets shafted (only 2 girls to 3 guys, who do YOU think gets left out?).
I still have to go X-mas shopping. I dont want to do it when I go home, because the only thing there is Target, and EVERYONE in our family knows what’s in Target, and anyway, I dont think there’s anything Mom would like. I also have to get Caron a present. Ugh. BUT I dont have time to do anything before I go home. Mom’s picking me up tonight right after work so we can go to Stern’s for dinner.
Dude, we need full cable at home. Last night on HBO, there was this documentary thingy called “Shock Video” and it was freaked-up shows and commercials from all over the world. The Japanese have some ISSUES.
I’m typing this on a non-CLICC school computer. Apparently it automatically changes cuss-words to “XXXX” when I try to type them. Fine. Whatever. Damn.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Bad Moon Rising
- Crazy Little Thing Called Love
plastic
2001-12-27-12:17 a.m.
Dear Santa, and everyone else who gave me stuff for Present Day,
Thank you for the lovely digicam, money, microscope, books, videos, coloring book, and musical cookie can with gingerbread cookies which I dont eat.
Next year, I want a webcam, a computer microphone, and the books on my amazon.com wishlist!
Sincerely, and with best wishes,
Me.
Does it ever occur to you that people don’t know you as well as they should? My mom knows everything about my dad’s nephews, but my dad’s sister-in-law sends my sister and I these completely off-the-mark presents each year. I mean, its cool we get stuff, but damn. Last year, she sent us CD’s, Toby a Sarah McLachlan album, and me this one of Rennaisance music by some chick I never heard of. Toby and I switched, but neither of us have even peeled the plastic yet.
This year, she sent us each a musical box-tin of gingerbread cookies. I dislike gingerbread. She also sent me a portable microscope, which is kinda cool, and I think she gave Toby a calendar or something.
At least my dad’s brother (the other one, not the one married to this woman) didnt insult us with his usual offer. Every year for the past couple years, he’s offered to send 100 dollars to the charity of our choice. Last year he changed the deal a little and demanded we write him an essay on WHY that charity is important. My sister picks a woman-and-children’s shelter and I pick cystic fibrosis. Duh. Theyre important because people DIE if theyre not there. We’re both full-time students. We dont have TIME to do extra essays. On top of which, its cool if he wants to give to charity instead of Crass Consumerism on Present Day, but just GIVE, don’t hold it over our heads when its supposed to be charity.
Anyway. I got a digicam! Its sooo cool! the only thing is the flash. If its off, my pics are gross colored. If its on, all you see is white, when I take it near my computer. PTH!
I bought myself a new skully. Its orange and grey and it looks pimped out with my hair. My sister picked it out. I also bought Neopets Faerie stickers, and now theyre all over my monitor and theyre PRETTTY. Ji came over today and named most of them. She’s the Light Faerie, and the Water Faerie is Caron, and I’m the Queen Faerie or the Fire Faerie. I think the Fire Faerie is prettier and she’s on the same side as the other two, so I think Im her. Ji said her because she has a pet pet and her hair almost matches mine.
Blah, spitting up blood again. I do so LOVE winter.
Ji helped me copy all the articles I needed today from YRL. She collated them and wrote the journal name and dates on them too. Tomorrow she’s gonna come over and help me write this damn paper. Im sooo glad she’s here!
My mom also got me a lot of bass and guitar books and videos. She accidentally got me a Queen songbook, but she’s taking it back. She’s not gonna exchange it. Ah well. She also got me a book on string bass which I dont have and never really intended to play, though I do have fantasies of playing beatnik coffeehouses someday. She also got me these videos on bass, which is GREAT. Im kinda a visual learner anyway.
Ooooh! and I got an Optical mouse just like at the lab! My life is sooo much easier now!
I also bought myself a mini phone at Claire’s, cause they were on sale and incredibly cute. I got one for mommy too, but she says she doesnt want it. Gee. Makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.
My dad gave me money, so I bought The Sims, Fast Food Tycoon 2, and a bunch of pajama bottoms.
It was a pretty good Present Day. My sister drew a tree and taped it to a bookcase in our living room. We watched Futurama and South Park X-mas specials. The mystique of Present Day is gone, but the commercialism lives on!
I’ve decided Im going to make my kids watch South Park X-mas specials. I’ve never seen It’s a Wonderful Life and I dont really intend to anymore. I used to watch A Christmas Story but now it just depresses me. It’s like the Wonder Years, only less funny.
Monday night, we went over to my mom’s friend’s house for dinner. Her name is Joanne, her husband is Tony, their kids are Devon and Savannah. Their kids are GORGEOUS. Joanne always makes stuff I dont eat. The one time she made steak, she wrapped bacon around it. That kind of thing. Usually they come over to our house, but this time we went over to theirs. Toby and I got put at the kids’ table. Its nice to have some traditions, I guess. Toby was pissed off on my behalf, but I didn’t really mind. They could have fit me if they wanted to, but they didnt. I don’t think Tony understands vegetarians or people with dietary restrictions. He kept saying Toby and I should at least TRY the duck.
I dont know if I mentioned, but Toby read Animal Farm in school, and has gone veggie. It’s cool.
I’m hungry. Ji took me to Sak’s for dinner, and then I took a 5 hour nap, so Im awake and hungry….and alone.
Something is happening to the living room downstairs. Half of it is walled off by a sheet of plastic…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Hey Mickey!
- I Will Remember You
another year another head trauma
2002-01-01-11:42 a.m.
I’m feeling really lazy. I finished my paper an hour before midnight last night with fourteen pages and a bibliography. I hope it kicks enough ass for my professor to pass me. That was his actual requirment: the paper “had better kick ass”. Im going to miss Professor Stevens. I expect I’ll get over it.
I want to write stuff by hand or draw or play guitar, but I dont have any pencils/unlined paper/guitar/guitar books. I wonder if Border’s is open. I should go buy some books. Its the only thing I can do that will never have to be entered into a computer…unless of course I write a review of the books I read…
Ji helped me decorate Reginald yesterday. I’ll post the pics soon. I want to decorate him more, and I’ve been making people sign him, too. It’s great. I got the workmen to agree to not move of him until at least Friday. I’m hoping some of the sorority girls that dumped him here will be more embarrassed by him than we are proud of him and pay for his removal themselves. Also, I just kinda like have a signed gold phallic statue as our house mascot.
This is the third year in a row I’ve spent New Years with Ji and Caron. I think I shall never see a proper New Years party, never have a New Year’s kiss…
Ji and I made a Jamba run this morning. Jamba Juice is a MuuMuuKeteers (me, Ji, and Caron) tradition. I like Peach Pleasure. I love me some peaches. I choked on a chunk, but I got it out. Yum.
While I was waiting in the car for Ji to hit an ATM, I just kinda zoned, and when Ji got back in the car, I just started singing, and I didnt know why. But when Ji started up the car, the song on the radio was EXACTLY the song I was singing at the exact part I had just sung. I think Ji was creeped. I can’t remember what song it was now. Right after it they played Basketcase, though. That song beats the hell out of whatever other songs are in my mind.
I’m so completely out of energy. Im just going to make a filler page for the Reginald Project and either take a nap or get Caron to take me to Borders. I dont think I can make it on my own. Especially not if its closed. Blah.
I did learn something last night. My miniphone is NOT the hands-free experience it should be lying down. It keeps falling off my ear. I didnt really need my hands free, but my arm tends to fall asleep when Im holding a phone and lying down.
John is gonna make a title for the Reginald Project. I would, but CLICC is prolly closed today. I could actually check that online. John is awesome. He made a great pic for Utopiate Nation, but its too big, and hard to read at a reduced size. *sighs* Ah well…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:Basketcase by Green Day
busy as bees
2002-01-05-2:56 p.m.
There’s somethig odd about the way CSS works. You may notice that the songs arent the same as the entry, if your text setting isnt right. You might also notice that the scrollbar is now cool. If you dont, you have a sucky computer. It’s kewl beanz and you should be in awe.
I actually did the revamp right after the last entry, but I was too tired to write about it. I had nothing to do New Year’s Day. Jan 2, Ji took Toby and I to Universal Studios. Jan 3, I just hung out with Ji until she went home. We played music, and I taught her how to read guitar tab. She took me to McDonald’s before she left. I got a 20-piece chicky nuggy. Yum yum! The rest of the day I spent online and sleeping. I really should be more productive in these, my last days of freedom.
At Universal Studios…well, it was an adventure. We thought they were only open till 6, so we sort of streamlined what we wanted to do. It turned out they were open till 9 or something. It was cool. The first thing we stood in line for was The Mummy Walk-through of Haunted Sets. Something was broken (which is wierd because hardly any of it does anything, except some stuff that pops out at you and goes “boo!”), so we eventually dropped otu of line, but not before indeliably leaving our mark on everyone else in the line. Toby and I shouldn’t be allowed together in public, though it was Ji who suggested we should “try to get as many wierd looks as possible today.”
We did.
We went through Backdraft, which continues to be the least memorable attraction at Universal Studios. Ji had never been on it before. She had never been on E.T. or The Mummy either. She has yet to go on Jurassic Park: The Ride, because Toby and I are big chickens, and the drop looks scary.
In the Backdraft line, Ji whispered to me that there was a kid going past who would drop his eyes to my rack and quickly back up when we passed him. I missed him the second time, too. After that, Toby and I concentrated on teasing him, sticking them way out, bouncing them up and down, covering them bodily, all the while pretending to be oblivious to the 15-year-old boy trailing in line with his mum. I felt a little bad, but it’s probably gonna be all over his school when break is over.
I’m going to say this now: I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE the collection of restaurants on the upper level of Universal Citywalk, and the next person who INSISTS that I eat up there had better be prepared for me to throw a fit. There’s nothing I like up there, on top of which its cold, on top of which, it’s all mundane food and it feels like settling on the Citywalk. Plus it started raining while we were eating and Ji and Toby decided we HAD to move again (the first time we HAD to move because they werent close enough to the heat lamps).
Yesterday, Dad took me to Westwood. We went into Fred Walecki’s Westwood Music, the owner of which knew my dad’s partner, and had an electronic voicebox. My dad is apparently looking for the ultimate accoustic guitar for his personal use. Hmm.
My dad dropped me off at the house, after checking out Reginald of course. I checked online to see what time training was, and found I had a half an hour to shower, change, and get to training.
The Asian Guy…the one who followed me nearly-home that one night…was outside CLICC. I said “hi” to him quickly and walked past him as I realized who he was. I saw Robert and threw myself into his arms. “Robert, pretend you love me!” Robert and Lisa hugged me until I made sure the creepy guy had gone away. Robert offered to do him violence, which was sweet.
Lisa had to work during training, and Robert didnt save me a seat, so I sat down with Tim, who loves everyone. Then we got put into groups.
I feel the distinct urge to give my mentor crap, even though he’s a really nice guy. Im just not used to having people only a little older than me go “Hey! Im your mentor. Come to me if you have any problems.” Especially when I havent had any real problems in a long time.
Anyway, after that, I went to buy books for the upcoming quarter. I couldnt find all of them, and my card was declined the first time, until the girl realized the computer had charged me full price for a used book. Still, it scared me, and I had to find an ATM to transfer money with. Whenever Ari goes to an ATM and she gets cash, she shouts “I Win!!”
I ordered a beef grilled sandwich, and the waiter brought me turkey. I freaked out. Ever since Sarah MacLaughlin and Anna Gasteyer sang “Basted in Blood”, I’ve had a REALLY big problem with turkey. The last two months of the year are devoted entirely to killing members of a single species, and now its the “healthy meat”, and it tastes nasty anyway, and it has thorazine in, and I refuse to partake of any of it. I didn’t throw a big fit or anything. I didnt even realize I was saying “ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!!” until I saw Lisa staring at me, and I couldnt stop myself. The waiter said something like “Don’t have a cow” and Lisa, my darling Lisa said “But she WANTS the cow!”
He took it back and replaced it and the manager came over and politely asked what happened, and me, munching cheerily on my beef, told him everything was fine and dandy and he went away. Then I bought us a pizookie, which is good and not to be approached lightly.
We took a bus home together, and Lisa saw Reginald, and my mom drove Lisa home so she didnt have to call all her friends for a ride from her stop, and we ordered pizza (icky Dominoe’s with half mushroom [blech!!!] and half olive [slightly less blech, but not at all appetizing on its own], because beauracracy sucks).
Ari is with us till tomorrow morning. Wheeeee.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Storybook Love
humans aint what they seem to be
2002-01-09-9:31 p.m.
OK, let’s try to play catch-up again.
After my last post,my mom took Toby, Ari and I to her nail shop. We spent nearly a whole hour in the 99 cents store in the same parking lot. I bought a “Happy New Year” sign to stick in Reginald’s urethra.
Ari, Toby and I went to see Lord of the Rings. Toby had already seen it, and she had her hands full with Ari and my clutching fingers and hiding faces. She was the only one laughing during the bloody scenes because of us hiding in her shoulders. Toby and I bonded over Oliver Bloome, the guy who plays Legolis.
Lisa emailed me and told me I spelled McLachlan wrong.
Dad picked us up from the movie and we went to pick up some stuff from the store. I needed to buy conditioner since my hair was nasty, but I accidentally picked up shampoo. Before we went into the store, the three of us were acting dumb and Dad threatened to ignore us in the store and of course Toby, Ari and I started in on “Daddy! Don’t you recognize us, daddy? Mommy says you can come home if you promise to stop a-whuppin’ us!” and Dad goes “Yeah, but I’m still not going to pay for her sex change!” which only shut us up because we couldnt think of anything to say back to that at the moment. But of course Dad thought that it meant he had embarrassed us into silence, which was stupid on his part. He gloated “See, I can play that game, too.”
Of COURSE we misbehaved in the store, and it all climaxed when Ari pantsed me (I was wearing pajama bottoms). We won that round. Dad should have known better than to challenge us.
Of course, Ari should have known better than to pants ME. I took it well, but later I made her monkey-dance for a bunch of Rachel (the girl who lives across the street)’s friends, and fly across the street and back. She refused to do it pantsless because it was too cold. I had to be satisfied even though Toby and I both knew she didn’t really mind.
Ari calls my parents “Weekend Mommy and Weekend Daddy” which Toby decided makes me “Weekend Big Sister” with all the rights therein. Toby can be cool sometimes.
Anyway, the next morning, Marco and Jordanna came over. Jordanna likes my hair too. Jordanna is my mom’s friend, and she’s completely cool. She’s one of the only friends of my mom’s that I like. I like Marco too. He’s my mom’s trainer. They’re starting a business together soon. It’s a good idea.
Anyway, Ari got picked up, and Mom’s day was booked up, so Dad decided he, Toby, and I should walk to brunch. The place he wanted to go to was far away and closed, but we walked a little farther and got to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.
The Galleria used to be a tiny, stupid mall just like every other tiny,s tupid mall in the Valley. Then it went bankrupt and closed for like five years. It just opened up again, completely remodeled. It has a Fuddruckers, a Ben and Jerry’s, a huge theatre, a Robeck’s, and a Cheesecake Factory. Soon it will have a P.F. Chang’s, and Im assuming someone will think to open a clothes shop there, too. It will be quite the place, and only a five minute bus ride for me and Toby. Yay!
I really want the 1st Season of Buffy on DVD. Buy it for me. Now.
We went to Fuddrucker’s for lunch. There’s a Starbucks in the Galleria too, and when we went to extract dad (Daddy has a wee tiny coffee addiction), there was this guy who looked JUST like Legolis. He was sitting so you could only really see him coming in, so Toby had to do quite the neck trick to see him on our way out. We bonded again. We almost never have the same taste in guys, but we were two for two last weekend.
Dad and Toby forced me to watch A Beautiful Mind. Don’t see it. It’s only good for the first half. If you must see the first half, at least the guy who played Chaucer in A Knight’s Tale is in it. He’s awesome. I love him.
That was Sunday. Dad drove me home that night so I could start school the next day. There’s a lot of new girls in the house and I haven’t caught the name of a-one. One Asian chick seems cool though. I introduced her to Drew Carrey last night.
My classes all seem cool. I’m taking Extemporaneous Speech, Phonology, Language Invention, and Psychological Statistics. Argh. Im really really psyched agout the first three. The last one can go hang.
Zack is in my Phonology class. He’s cute. He was in my Ling 20 class my first quarter here. He gave me hope. Its even better now that I talk to him. He rides a motorcycle that I saw tonight when I met him outside the place you buy Course Readers from.
Course Readers are compilations of articles your professors put together and local copy stores make booklets of and then they charge you a lot of money that you weren’t expecting from just looking at your book list. I still need to get mine for Language Invention. The line was too long, and I didn’t have enough cash and I was in the Cash Only line, because my professor said it would be only 10 dollars, but it was 22.50, and it wasnt worth waiting another 50 minutes in the Credit line.
Monday night, I worked from 6pm until 2 am straight, no breaks. Im supposed to take one by law when I have a shift that long, but I dont feel right about taking one ever.
I went to Borders tonight. I tried to buy like eight books, but could only afford three. I bought The Woman Who Rides Like A Man, the third in the Song of the Lioness series by Tamora Pierce, Acorna’s People, because in my Language Invention class, we’re going to have to do a book review on a novel that has a consturcted language in and the Acorna series has Linyaari, and this particular installment has the actual linguistic breakdown in the back. The last book I bought was Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman, which I just thought would suit Toby perfectly. I called her tonight and she had already read at least one of the Captain Underpants books, when she was younger, but I think this one is new, and it is very funny. I have some more books on hold at Borders, including the history of the British Punk Movement, the newest installment of the Acorna series, and two more Pierce novels. I need to go back and get those when I have more money on my card.
Lisa’s birthday is on the 19th, and my mom and Jess are both having THEIR birthday parties on the 19th. Im gonna spend the morning of the 19th with Lisa, the evening with my mother, and the 20th with Jess. That should suit all.
It strikes me that I dont have much deep thought stuff on here lately. But I havent been thinking deeply. I saw Anna on Monday and as I told her, I’m very kickback this quarter. No men, no drama, nothing except ogling Zack. I shook hands with Zack tonight. He has very soft hands.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- It’s been a while by Staind
- Man on the Moon by R.E.M.
- This is How You Remind Me by Nickelback
- Anything from Buffy the Musical
- I Can’t Watch This by Wierd Al
- It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye by Boyz II Men
- Oblahdi by the Beatles
never alone
2002-01-10-11:03 p.m.
OK, OK. I KNOW that it’s “Life Goes On” and not “Oblahdi,” OK? Not that anyone actually pointed that out to me, but if they HAD, I’d be pretty darn indignant about it.
Lisa pointed out that we probably took Ling 20 together and just never noticed it. Trippy, huh? I wonder how many people you ignore in your life that turn out to be important later.
Lisa wants it corrected that her birthday is the 18th, and her festivities are merely being held on the 19th for convenience’s sake (though obviously not MINE).
Last night I found an article “Acne Drug Prescribed for Teen Pilot Is Linked to Depression”. I wonder why the “i” in “Is” is capitalized, but not the “f” in “for” or the “t” in “to”. The world may never know. Anyway, the article is about the kid who ran his plane into the Bank of America in Florida this last week. Apparently he was on Acutane, which is linked to depression.
I used to be on Acutane. It’s basically high high high levels of vitamin A, which can cause growths on your liver if you’re not careful, so you have to have a blood test before you can be prescribed it. You also have to have pretty serious acne before doctors will even consider prescribing it, usually, which tells you something about my high school years.
I dont think Acutane affects anything in your brain. I think it builds on what’s already there. Acutane messes you up. It turns your skin to paper. One time I yawned and it cracked the side of my mouth open an extra half-centimeter. It wouldnt heal for the longest time because anytime I opened my mouth wide wnough to put a laden fork in, it would reopen. My skin looked blue because it was so thin. You’re also forbidden to drink anything alcoholic while youre on it, and for six months after you stop as well. But I was never depressed on Acutane, just really angry at my mom for making me be on it.
But I guess that’s the big difference between me an him. I think if you’re so ashamed of your skin that you do something huge like Acutane voluntarily, and then it makes you look even scarier than you were before, I guess if you judge your self-worth on how your classmates think of you and your skin, then I guess I can see how it would make you depressed. I’m not saying it excuses the kid for being a dumbass, but I think there’s a lot more to teenagers’ lives than adults are willing to admit.
Last night I had a panic attack, bigger than I’ve had in a while. I stayed up the night in the TV room reading the Tamora Pierce novel I had. I stumbled into bed at about 6. John called at 9 because he is my darling, but I opted to skip class and sleep in. I should not have. I’m supposed to be learning a new skill set in Phonology, and it wont do to go missing classes this early into things. Tomorrow I have a 9am discussion for Phonology. I do hope someone will lend me their notes from today.
I’ve been spreading the gospel of Buffy. Chris-who’s-not-Christopher has a friend who is in to Buffy and is teaching Chris Buffy games, so Chris asked me a lot of who, what, and what the hell questions today. Then at work, I explained some other stuff to Anand who had seen and liked the movie but never watched the show. I like having a field I’m good at.
I worked for two hours in YRL laptop pod, and when Kevin and Ed relieved me, Christopher was there. I nodded to him and walked out. It hurt me more than I like to admit.
The only newbie this quarter I’ve talked to for more than five minutes is Ed. He’s a poli-sci/philosophy major and seems pretty cool.
Winnie had an adventure today. Tim always teases her about looking at porn, although she doesnt, and she goes red in the face because she’s very proper about some things. Today some guys asked for her help because their computer had frozen while they were running RealPlayer, and when she went to help them, the silly things had not exited the program. It was a porn movie! When this gets back to Tim, Winnie will never live it down. It’s all in good fun though.
I need to call my mother. And find out how to get to Midvale with the least amount of walking.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Oh What A Beautiful Morning — from Oklahoma!
love is all
2002-01-14-11:17 p.m.
I. Am. Addicted.
I finally FINALLY opened the games I bought for myself for X-mas. Fast Food Tycoon is aiight, but The Sims is the shiz-diggety! I know I ought to be bored of watching people run through their daily routines thousands of times, but Im NOT. I think its SWELL. I feel compelled to learn the easter eggs and stuff, though, because theyre not progressing enough.
Oh, yeah. My classes are OK. *sheepish grin* Stats doesnt seem nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I bought graph paper today. And You Dont Know Jack Snack Pack, because, hey, how am I gonna beat an addiction without another addiction?
Im totally ignoring my Neopets.
My Language Invention teacher is spending this week on Phonetics. I may as well just skip Wednesday, and spend the extra time studying for Stats or Phonology. Who am I kidding?
More and more, Im feeling this intense burning for Johnny. I dont know if its because I love him or what, but its creeping into my dreams, along with my fear of rejection. Y? is going nuts because her classmates from high school are getting married. I want to join them.
Y? is going through a growing phase. She is trying not to be judgemental. She said she had an epiphany today, but I was watching Angel and playing the Sims, so I told her to tell me when I got home from work. How big of a bitch am I? I know Im easily addicted to mental stimuli, so Im getting weary of the Sims already. I talked to a guy in my Lang Invention class that used to play the Sims, and he said he got addicted badly too.
I told Caron she could play the Jack games. Maybe we can play each other this weekend. She’s taking belly dancing classes, and she’s working out. She’s so ACTIVE. She really is going to be a wonderful wife someday.
Lisa and I are trying to figure out how I can go to her birthday lunch and make it to my mom’s party. I’ve never been to a Cheesecake Factory before, and I think its my duty as a denizen of L.A., especially since the Galleria has one.
My mom’s brother James came in yesterday. He’s one of her favorite brothers. You can see it in her face. She adores him even while he tells the most revolting homophobic stories. My dad really doesn’t like him, because he tells so many paint stories. My dad is homophobic too, but only of men, of course. He doesnt see what’s wrong with James’ stories, although he tries to act like he does for Toby and my benefit.
James is a housepainter. Mom wants to put my dogs into a kennel while James paints the house. My baby Israi has never spent a night without a family member in the house. She HATES any dog that isnt Lorena or Maggie. How is she going to deal with a place she doesnt know with dogs she doesnt like? My mom swears she’s going to put them into a kennel that will spoil them rotten, like the ones her friend Gail puts her little rat dogs into.
Gail is an actress friend of ours. She’s quasi-famous and has a pack of miniature pure-breeds of all kinds. She’s eccentric and always has the in on the latest thing. She gave us Maggie because she was bullying the other dogs too much and my mom was the only person Maggie liked. Maggie doesnt lick people except on rare occasions, and then its not like…mini-tonguebath, its just a little lick to let you know she cares. Its why mom loves her and its also why she creeps me out.
Wow, I feel like I havent typed in a long time. And I havent really. I’ve been taking real notes with real pens and almost all my computer activity has been restricted to clicking a mouse to make the Goth family move around. I gave up on trying to create my own family. Im wretched at it.
I just called Anna! She’s taking costuming! Im going to design for her. I’d better research 1940’s stuff post haste. She’s bringing her new boy to my mom’s party. It’ll be funny to see Anna around my mom’s actor friends.
I need to do Phonetics and write up my research report for Speech, cause both classes are tomorrow. I may do the Speech stuff in-between classes. Im laaaazy.
Wednesday, I was thinking about how people change and grow apart and I started thinking about Bahar, this girl I went to elementary school with who went to my Jr. High, but we never talked, and I’d seen her once at UCLA but she was crying over a final she had just gotten out of and I was late for something. Five seconds later, she sat down next to me in stats. We’re both fascinated by the serendipity and we’ve talked a lot after classes.
I want somebody to love.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Glory, Glory We Adore Thee…
- Somebody to Love by Queen
- Oklahoma!
catching up
2002-02-10-12:48 p.m.
OK. Its time. Finally. I’ve been gone so long, yadda yadda.
My mom’s birthday party came and went. My mom’s favorite brothers are strange. James tells homophobic stories like theyre funny. I always wonder how every gay man in the Midwest can have such horribly wrong gaydar as to pick MY uncle to hit on.
My uncle Dave I’ve never forgiven for cornering me. He took me out to lunch once and as soon as we sat down (this is when I was 12) he asks: “So…why don’t you like Catholics?” I spent a miserable lunch trying to defend the fact that I had left my cousin’s baptism four years ago. I always used to get really uncomfortable in churches. My mom used to drag us to Presbyterian church whenever she felt guilty for neglecting her duty to Jesus. I always got antsy and would leave eventually. But that was when I was like…8 or 10. Cripes.
So anyway, Dave pretty much spent the whole time harrassing me. I wonder why all my uncles like Toby enough to leave her alone? One time, I think Dave tried to make it all up to me. Toby and I were watching TV and Dave comes in and goes “Can I watch, too?” which I took as a white flag because Dave doesnt watch anything that’s not sports, and Toby and I watch everything BUT sports. So I say “Yeah, ok, but don’t sit on my puppy” who’s of course lying on my pillow. He could have shoved her over, but he just looked at her for a moment and left. OK. Fine.
My uncle Greg is the best. He’s the baby. He was 18 when I was born. He’s in a catering company and he let me subject him to the Asian market. I introduced him to Mo’chi and Kimchi Ramen and lots of fun stuff. He’s gonna move out here probably. Im glad. He’s the only one who doesnt routinely piss me off. I think it might be good to have extended family near.
My mom’s only sister Joanne is cool. She always is.
Anyway, that weekend went like this: I took a bus to this place where Lisa’s dad picked me up. While I was waiting to be picked up, I bought Lisa’s present and wrapped it w/o tape or scissors (hehe. sorry Lisa). Lis was impatient and opened everything as soon as I got in the car. It was the first time I’d me anyone from her family and it was cool. At the Cheesecake factory, I met more family and friends. Her dad’s parents are extremely cool. Her great aunt and cousins are great too. She totally had the extended family thing down.
After lunch, we all went to this playground on the beach outside. The 20-somethings of us played and danced and had fun with plastic slides and static electricity and generally bugged people making what looked like a low-budget UPS commercial.
After that we went back to Lisa’s house. I rode with this girl that had been Lisa’s friend FOREVER. She was cool, lots, but of course my disnomic self cant remember the name. When we got to Lisa’s, Lisa and I forced the others to watch the Buffy Musical. Lisa and I laid out on our stomachs and mouthed all the words while the others just kinda looked on terrified.
Anyway, the same girl I rode with gave me a ride to my parents’ house where my house had been transformed. My uncle James had been painting the house since the week before. It looks pretty ok, but my room wasn’t touched yet. Its done now and it looks kinda wack. My uncle James might come back and change it.
Paint aside, the furniture was rearranged, and some was just downright different. My world had changed. My dogs were already stuck in my sister’s bedroom. They were painty. I changed pants and put on makeup and tried to avoid the hordes of my mother’s model and actress friends that insist they knew me when I was “thiiiiis high!”. They always get so offended when I stare at them blankly.
My sister had Ari over and Anna and her boyfriend were supposed to come over, but they…uh…didnt. He flaked, and she was stranded at her apartment. Ari and Toby and I were responsible for getting people out on the dance floor. We did this by having a three person mosh pit which looked so pathetic that people came and dances around us to keep us from our own embarrasment. Still, the only pictures of me from the party are me dancing with my 18 chins I didnt know I had flying around.
Toby and Ari bailed. I failed entirely to be entertaining to the other company, except for my great-cousin (or something)’s husband Hal who was utterly interested in my Language Invention class and my ghetto piano playing skeelz. Anyway, I spent the next few hours holed up with my puppies where I guess I fell asleep.
During the party, my mom’s friend Gwen who was in charge of picking out the paint colors for some reason, tried to convince me they had picked out the coloers I had really wanted which simply were different than what I thought I wanted. When I finally saw my room painted I cried. It was awful. My sister got great colors. I got one great color and one ugly one. I HATE when people decided what I REALLY want. Especially when they decide I want something grown up and stuffy. FUCK that. In the ear. My mom promised (rather crossly) to have it fixed when James comes back out, which made me feel worse.
I cant dance. I suck. I always think I can, but I cant. I always wanted lessons, but my mom always does everything in her power to not let me. She only takes me to studios WAY out of the way of both of us and/or to ones that have interesting theories about teaching styles. Why does SHE get exactly what she wants for working out, but if I try to be the least bit discerning, Im an ungrateful bitch?
Anyway…school school school, drama drama drama. Y? got pissed at me and now we’re not speaking. Anna, Lisa, Anna. I’ve shaken my addiction to the Sims, but yesterday I bought the Sims Livin Large Expansion Pack! Im never gonna get through this quarter. Anna made it her personal mission to get me laid. I feel so honored.
I stayed up all night Wednesday night and Thursday night. Wednesday I stayed up because I went over to Anna’s and didnt get out til 1am and then I thought I had a homework due Tuesday which I had to turn in Thursday. Turns out it wasnt even due til Friday. Lisa stayed up with me most of the night, until she went to sleep in the reading room. I kept Annie, who had the overnight shift, company and kept her warm while we made a field trip to the vending machines. The vending machines sell instant oatmeal!!!!!! My world is complete.
The next morning, I went to class, offered to take an overnight shift for that night, Lisa and I went to Farmer’s Market and I went home to sleep, during which time I got called like 8 times by people vying for my overnight shift. Finally the guy I had taken it from called and took it back. But the homework from the night before was still hanging over my head. Around midnight Zack showed up! Do you know Zack? He’s in my Phonology class. He was also in my Ling 20 class. He’s gorgeous but has this unsettling habit of growing bears (pogonophobia rears its ugly head). He’s really cool and laidback and a linguistic GENIUS and totally saved my ass, I think. But we stayed up the whole night doing the homework. Zack went home around 5 and I stayed up writing everything up by hand while Lisa conked at the table in the study room we had moved to. Hehe.
Which, weeks and weeks from my last entry, brings us to the reason for my new one. And now I dont know how to say it. My mind freezes at the thought of it. Its actually painful right now. I’m liked. Like, LIKE-liked. And I like her too, a lot. But…I don’t know. We’re great friends. I dont know if Im ready to take that kind of step again. Commitment is such an ugly word. Its uglier because Im afraid of it, and uglier still because she gave up something awesome for me, who’s afraid of commitment. We see each other sooo often. What happens when we break up? Can we just go back to being friends? It so much safer. But I guess we have to figure this out.
Is there any question that isnt loaded when asked by someone in certain moods?
So here I stand, naked before you, repentant. Unable to speak my peace for fear of being overheard.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- What It’s Like by Everlast
- Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers
- My Sacrifice by Creed (eeew)
- Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen — I LOVE how everything has to do with Queen these days!!!
- Boys Say, Girls Say by No Doubt — Gwen…for the love of ME…go back to what you’re good at.
- I Guess I’m Fuckin 40 by John Eddie — hehe. Next entry story
exploding babies
2002-02-11-10:18 p.m.
Oh gods above, below, and between…my head hurts. I cant see straight from pain and dizziness. I want to close my eyes, but Im not that good a typist. Basically, I went to class, ignored the teacher, went home, spent the rest of the day reading a book that the aforementioned teacher lent me, Native Tongue by Suzette Haden Elgin. Its trippy. It involves aliens, female subjugation, and exploding babies. Ordered pizza. Played the Sims Livin Large…bigger, I dont know about better. The love spell didnt seem to work for Sim Alana Torque. Oh gods, oh Me…My head… OK, so a couple Saturdays ago, Lisa had an extra ticket for this chick singer Jonatha Brooke. We went, cause hell, Ive only ever been to two concerts (well, three now). The opening band, John Eddie ricked my world. Their bassist was probably the best Ive ever seen. He smoked. It was awesome. They had a couple really good songs, and it was the kind of rock I love…the kind that tears out your innards and makes them dance. And they covered the Jackson Five…how cool is that? Jonatha herself was…ok. I mean, she had good technique and all, but she wasnt funny, and the lighting was always girly colors, and even when the music was supposed to rock, it never really crscendoed to orgasmic heights. Ah well. This psycho chick came up behind us after the intermission while Jonatha was covering a song I knew from a Gap commercial or something (and now its gonna bother me all night trying to figure out which it was). She was screaming at me “Dance! Make me look bad” and her girlfriend was just kind of rocking out on the other side of me, ignoring her. Anyway, after the set, we went next door to the Rainbow Bar & Grill. We had to. We worked our way in. In both the Roxy where the concert was, and the Rainbow, I had to argue with the bouncer (No, dude. Im ADMITTING Im 20. I dont WANT my hand stamped. Im UNDER AGE. Im TELLING YOU.). It was really dark and wierd inside, but they took really good care of us. There were posters of hair bands on the wall over our booth and at one point this guy came and was just looking at them for the longest time while Lisa and I ate. Then he leaned ALLLL the way over the table, so I went “So anyway, then HER girlfriend came over, and it was, like, this whole big orgy, which I was TOTALLY not in the mood for.” I then grinned in satisfaction as he scurried away and Lisa, who had not noticed him, looked around confused until I explained. I introduced Lisa to the concept of Pellegrino that night. And I got her to buy a drink. *wipes away a tear* Then we had totally missed the last bus, so Lisa and I walked up and down the street singing songs (mostly of the Buffy persuasion). We hung out on a corner for a while, hoping one last bus would show. One guy drove up and screamed (re: Pellegrino bottle) “Is that alcohol?” and I couthly replied “Hahaha! You wish!” Yeah, I dont know what that’s supposed to mean either. Then this car full of Persian guys drove up and the guy in the passenger’s seat calls “Do you guys have any marijuana?” and I called out “Dude, we just ran out!” “Dude! Just?” Then this drunk-off-his-ass guy in the back seat starts howling “Duuuuude! She said Duuuude!” And the passenger seat guy turns around and just tells him “Yeah, don’t speak.” He totally had my respect after that. Then they pull up a little farther and passenger seat guy calls out “WE WANT SEX!” To which I reply “How much are you going to pay us for it?” ’cause I figure, its cold, there’s no bus, and we’re prolly gonna have to take a taxi home… Which we did, cause after my response those guys peeled out. Fast. Ah well. And Im back to not seeing straight.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: I Want You Back by Jackson Five, but as covered by John Eddie
getting the vapors on v-day
2002-02-14-10:45 p.m.
Must stop…breaking…bubbles.
OK, do NOT read Native Tongue. Its got a stupid ending. It could only possibly be of interest to fad feminists and egomaniacal linguists. The language Hagin Elgin invented, Laaden, sounds interesting though.
I am a dumbass. Really. Big one. Yesterday when John called, I went back to sleep for a few more minutes. I woke up like at 9:48, decided I was gonna be late to class and RUSHED over. I opened the door to my class and a different professor was in there and he looked at me and I closed the door, figuring I had the wrong room. Then I realized I had the RIGHT room and thought maybe the strange prof was a guest speaker or something so I opened the door again and looked inside. It wasnt my classmates. There were too many of em. I looked at the prof who just looked bemused and I go “I think Im confused,” and he goes “You dont know if youre confused?” and when I look lost for response he takes pity on me and tells me “This is Arabic”.
Arabic! Holy shit! I was 55 minutes EARLY for my class! So I went to Northern Lights and bought orange juice and Vitamin D milk, got a Daily Bruin, flipped through it, got a Ten Percent (campus quarterly LGBT magazine), and a Dulce de Leche bag of M&M’s, and went to my real class. I think Foreman knew I wasnt paying attention really (cause of me reading Ten Percent the first half and eating warm melty caramel-chocolatey goodness the second half), so I felt bad when my breakfast milk came back to wreak mighty vengeance on my system and I had to leave class 5 minutes early.
This last weekend, I went home. I love sleeping in my own bed with my own puppy. I love having clean clothes! As much as I can carry! When my mom was driving me back to school Sunday night, we stopped at a gas station and she gve me money to get her a Diet Coke and whatever I wanted. I got Dulce de Leche M&M’s (have I mentioned they rock my world?), and my mom finally caved and asked to have one. Then she kept asking for more. Then she tried to take some from me. I think my mommy found a new friend.
Sunday day my dad and I met my sister and her friend at the Yama Cafe in the Plant lot. The Plant used to be a car manufacturing plant that went out of business and now the MASSIVE grounds are like the best family leisure place in the world. I love the YAMA. They also have a Hometown Buffet and a HUGE movie theatre there. Toby and her friend had gone to see Big Fat Liar. Toby said it wasnt half as bad as it looked.
I like teaching people about Asian cultures. My brain is the real melting pot of L.A. I know lots of stuff about most ethnicities and cultures here. I taught my dad lots of stuff about teas and Japanese food while Toby’s friend just watched, bemused.
Lisa’s been staying in our extra bed a bit lately. I feel guilty about letting her cause she doesnt go to class, but she didnt have class today so that was OK. She watches me play the Sims until she gets sleepy. Its easy to lose track of time when Im playing, so I have to force myself to stop or I wont sleep.
Last night Lisa and I went to BJ’s for dinner at 11pm and tried to go to the Zone d’Erotica, but it was closing JUST as we got there. Damn and double damn! I really wanna go in and look around.
John and I went into a sex shop in Seattle. It was cool, and had a lot of non-sex, pro-hemp stuff too, and beaded wall hangings and stuff. I loved Seattle. I think it would be my second choice of places to live if it didnt rain so much and there were more ehtnicities there. I actually met someone there who didnt know what Tempura was and she worked a block away from a Tempura House!!!
I have a pair of Lesbian Sims right now. Theyre cute, but I gave them a vibrating bed and they WOULD NOT get out of it for more than 3 Sim-days, so I had to evict them and bulldoze the house to keep them alive. It was for their own good. Really. Someone said it might be a bug, but Im not sure. They looked really happy for people who were starving to death.
I changed my computer appearance today FINALLY. My wallpaper is now this collage of Spike and Dru, and all the Appearance settings are shades of red, grey, black, and white. I call the scheme “The Bloody” after William “Spike” the Bloody.
Tuesday I went to my Extemporraneous Speech class. I usually skip that class, and I remembered why. I cant stand the prof. First he gives us an article to read and form an opinion about. This time is was an FBI memorandum reminding people to be alert of Terrorist attacks, and this time had a page of pictures and names of suspected terrorists along with it. A lot of them looked Latino or Phillipino rather than Arabic. It would have been so easy to attack the wrong person off of those pictures. When we got into circle to discuss the article, I said it felt like the FBI always issued one of these completely unhelpful and uninformative memos whenever patriotism starts to wane. It felt manipulative. The attacks never happen. We just get the FBI saying, without ANY specifics “we HAVE SO TOO stopped attacks you just didnt know about so THERE!”.
Tell us all or nothing, but these little half-hints are just manipulative. The professor went OFF making remarks, which in itself was OK. He said my views “no doubt came from experience” and obviously as soon as Im President of the USA, my first act will be to disband the FBI (which is bullshit. No president has that power, really). He turns everyone into stereotypes in those discussions though, so I didnt mind him too much. He calls Ali a “terrorist” because he’s Persian.
The real problem was when I gave my speech for the week. “Should politicians be able to keep their private lives private?” I argued “Of course not”, that we need politicians to be entertaining in order for Joe Schmoe to be interested at all in politics. I argued some other stuff too. It was really funny. It was a brilliant speech. I actually MESMERIZED someone! But on the review sheet he gave me afterwards, he wrote “Do you hate America?”
I was flabbergasted (do I get extra points for using “flabbergasted” in a sentance?). I approached him after class.
“Do I HATE America?”
“Do you?”
“No, I love America. I love the Constitution. I hate what Americans DO to the Constitution.”
“You seem so cynical about a lot of things.”
“Of COURSE Im cynical! Its our duty as Americans to keep an eye on the government! Its why its a republic and not an oligarchy!”
He dismissed me and went on to the next student. Im still mad about it. What’s the point of an argument if I get attacked for it ON PAPER? Its one thing to attack me facetiously in discussion, but in a private comment it’s just wrong. Im probably one of the few people in that class who actually know what the Constitution and its Amendments look like. I DID study it for FOUR years in high school. I have great respect for the Living Document and I think Loyalty Oaths and McCarthyism and G.W. Bush are all BULLSHIT because of it.
In short, I am a SOCIALIST (and even that’s only economically), not a commy or anarchist, or anything else that you fascist bastards try to pin on me.
ANYWAY. Today. Today is stupid icky gross mushy day. Luckily its not on a weekend, or I’d be having to avoid Sorority girls’ “social events” all day, like I did freshman year. I went to class, came home, Simmed, took a nap, talked ot Lisa, made some calls, and then…and then…
This has been the best V-day EVER. My dad took me to this place…Barney’s Beanery, somewhere in the heart of WeHo. He took my sister too. Im in LOVE. This place is awesome. It looks like a seedy pub, and the menu is printed on newspaper. The menu is HUGE and the food is AWESOME and I HAVE to find a bus route there. My sister decided she wants to be a Beanery when she grows up.
My dad always buys us stuff for V-day. This year is was a Teddy Bear taped on a box of hard candy with a huge bow on its butt and a little red heart balloon behind it. Its very cute.
Robert and I were supposed to go to this club tonight, Perversion, but he was tooo tired. Poor baby.
Ive totally been paranoid the last two weeks cause I hadn’t heard anything from Mike and Ben, but I called Mandy today and she assured me they werent avoiding me. Im gonna do something for them tomorrow. Yay!
Yesterday, Ackerman had its annual “Anti-Valentine’s Day Sale”. I finally caved and bought bearwear. It remains to be seen if I will actually wear any of it. I should have bought pants though. Today I bought a box of soft-center See’s chocolates. Again, I caved. I should have waited till tomorrow when theyre half-price. Im an embarrassment to my father now. They were packed with bubble wrap sheet on top and I’ve been going through and systematically breaking every bubble. I’ve got a system now. People who twist the sheet are cheating. This is the GOOD kind of bubble wrap, where the air cant escape to the other bubbles.
I have VapoRub type stuff (store brand). I bought it a while ago. Its cool. Just thought you should know.
Anyway, I think that’s all I can possibly say. Caron should be coming any minute with a knife so we can cut up all the chocolates and decide which ones we like.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Let Me Rest in Peace by Joss Whedon/sung by Spike
- For Once in My Life by someone with an incredibly sexy voice
- Tracks of my Tears by someone similar.
sound off — 0 voices in my head
oh yeah
2002-02-11-10:51 p.m.
Oh, the song Johnatha Brooke covered was You Really Got Me by either the Kinks (yay!) or Van Halen (meh.)
stand-ins
2002-02-16-2:24 p.m.
Dude, Im soo alive right now. I had the coolest night…
Winnie bought my 8-11pm hours so I could go shoot a scene. Two hours in the lab were way enough for me after that afternoon, when my mentor tried to politely chew me out for reasons neither of us were very clear on.
Well, I tried to meet Myles for the Mike and Ben show thingy, but he wasnt there after 9, so I went up and watched the movie being filmed on campus and James, Luke Wilson’s stand in came and talked to me, and told me lots of stuff. He told me their shooting schedule, a more detailed plot of the movie. He was trying to pimp me, so he was just chatty.
He left so I went home and Simmed and put something warmer on and was about to go out and I saw Theresa coming downstairs and I made her get dressed and come with me.
So when I dragged Theresa back, we went and sat near the stand-in camp and listened to them joke, and we talked a little, and Stephen, Will Ferrelly(?)’s stand-in came up and started talking to us, then went away for a little while to practice his non-existant juggling skills than came back and started talking to us a LOT, but mostly to Theresa. And he went away to work, and I was like “Girl! He likes you” and she was all shocked.
So he came back to talk for a little more, then he got told he was wrapped, so he packed up, signed some papers, filled out a few forms, and gave Theresa his number on his way out. I was like, Yay!!!
One of the times he was away, Art, a makeup artist started talking to us for a little while.
And then Josh, this stand-in for a bit player came up and started talking to us and offered us chronic, and he was nice, so we said no, but we’d watch him blaze, so we did until he got called away to wrap, and then we hung out at the catering table because one of the caterers was trying to get rid of some SERIOUS hot doggage, beef and veggie, so I took the former and Theresa took the latter, and they said we came through like champs. And then Theresa helped out with the donuts and drinks even though they didnt really ask us to.
And then we hung around trying to see Luke Wilson, but this set worker, Dean, kept trying to pimp us…BADLY…soooo…we just left after a while. It was funny cause we said we were gonna leave like a thousand times but cool stuff kept happening.
All the guys on the set who talked to us really liked talking to me cause Im energetic even that late. We went home around 4:30 am.
So today I’m studying, but Theresa said she’d take me if Stephen takes her to a party tonight or something. I didnt ask to, but its prolly safer if I go.
Song(s> most stuck in my head today:
- Suddenly Seymour which Im currently trying to pound into the head of everyone around me. Lisa is permanently infected, I think.
- Mean Green Mother From Outer Space
- Bad Moon Rising
starkitty
2002-02-20-9:45 p.m.
My kitty died today. Her name was Scraps. She was 15, older than my sister. She had one litter of five, of which we only kept Snowball for a while until my mom made us give him away. She whelped them under my parents’ bed and loved to keep them in my parents’ closets. Scraps lived the vast majority of her life outside, because my mom is allergic to cats, but we always fed her and petted her. She was very skittish and sometimes mean, but she loved me and my father. She died in the front seat of my dad’s car as he was driving her to the vet. The vet said she died of kidney failure. My sister says that Scraps let herself be cuddled by Toby for the first itme ever that morning. She had been getting a lot nicer the last couple of months.
She was my first mammal pet that I had any say in. We got her from next door neighbors when we first moved into the neighborhood, and Scraps was my immediate favorite of the litter. She was mostly a very fluffy grey, with a white curly underbelly, chin, and an orange star on her forehead. She was always very light, even for a cat, and you could always tell she was female. She had a very feminine meow. She had skin problems that started right after her litter was born.
I remember Scraps in the backyard, playing with a mouse she had found. She would pounce on it, watch it wriggle, let it go a few feet, and pounce on it again, and keep doing it till the poor thing escaped over the wall. I remember her lying on my stomach on those rare rainy afternoons I was allowed to bring her into the house. After we got the second dog, she never would come in again. I remember her terrorizing Lorena when Lorena was a puppy. I remember shooing her off my math notes in high school, where the diseased skin on her tummy had oozed all over them.
She belongs to the stars now, the Princess of this Universe.
Today was also my dad’s birthday. He’s 52. He loved Scraps. Now we’re both worried about Lorena, the eldest dog. Its so hard to lose them. The only thing I can equate it to is something neither of us has experience at: losing a child. I dont care if this doesnt fit in with your world view. My animals are my children.
I got a haircut yesterday. It doesnt seem so important now. Zack and I are probably going to work together all night on our Phonology homework. We got our Phonology homework back yesterday. I got a perfect score. He missed four. He did most of the work, but I think I explained mine better…and funnier…than he did.
Last weekend, I didnt study a lick. Sunday night, Theresa took me to my first club! Studio 56. It was a deep house club, and we met Stephen there. It was lots of drama, and a lot of fun. Stephen had said it was an 18-over club, but it didnt feel that way when we got to the door. All I had was my school ID anyway, and the bouncer looked at it, looked at me…
“Why did you dye your hair?”
“Oh, everyone’s brunette these days!”
“What’s your birthday?”
“October 14…”
“October 14 what?”
“Ninteen eiiii (realize) ghty.”
“OK.”
The bouncer was extremely nice and cool. I like him alot. He harrassed Theresa, and she got all flustered when we walked up.
“Oh, I dont know…”
“What? Am I dressed wrong? Oh, I knew I should have dressed up more!”
He turned to me, and I was grinning, much amused. “She dont even know when Im messing with her, huh?”
“You’re messing with me? Oh!”
Hehe. He also said something along the lines of “You aint even afraid of the big black man, am I?” and made Theresa promise to be his friend. He was AWESOME.
No one stepped to me. One guy stepped to Theresa THROUGH me, but at least he was nice about it. That’s partially the reason for the haircut.
Last night I slept at the lab, for no other reason than I didnt want to walk home. This morning I sat outside on the steps for a while while I woke up some more and this girl sitting next to me looks up and asks “Do you speak Spanish?” and I say “A little” so she asks me to figure out what’s wrong with a sentance that her T.A. marked as wrong in her essay. I cant figure it out, and all of the sudden Rahel walks up, and we BOTH say “hi!” to her. Rahel is apparently in this girl’s Spanish class, and I leave them to talk with this small-worldy feeling. Then later, after my first class, after I’ve gone home, while Im back on campus, on my way to meet with my Language Invention teacher, I run into this girl, Natalie, from my Phonetics class last year. We talk a little, but I see Im going to be LATE, so I excuse myself, walk a little further, and run into Lisa and this woman who was in both of my history classes, talking. The woman is fairly chronologically advanced, has two sons, one a born again and the other a skater, and she gave me tylenol once when I really needed it. Again. Small-worldness. And then I was REALLY late, but my teacher was fairly cool about it. He really likes my outline of Katism, and I can keep him laughing about it long enough to ignore the fact I really havent got much more of ANYTHING for the language.
Anyway, my parents took us to this place for dinner tonight, Michelli’s or something, where the waiters sing showtunes whenever they feel like it. I wonder why it’s such a tradition in our household to always buy my dad funky boxers for his birthday?
Happy Palindrome Day.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Moondance by Van Morrison. It took me allllll last night and today to figure out the title!!!
Praise Jeebus!
2002-02-24-2:30 a.m.
What’s been wrong with me the last few days? Well, let me count the ways…spitting up bloody grossness, pain in my head, ankle, and arse, bit a nail too close to the bed, hit my funny bone (NOT amusing!), and felt this knot in my larynx.
Oh wow, you’re still reading! That’s dedication!
I know I’ve forgotten something I’ve done since my last entry. I just don’t know what.
February’s almost over. Im not going to be allowed to work on my sister. I have too much studying to do to work around the schedule my mom thinks I should. My sister has FREE time and NOTHING to do in it. Why cant I use her? My mom kept asking me questions about it when she picked me up for my dad’s b-day, and she kept sounding/looking like she was expecting me to admit I was going to hook Toby up to electrodes and dissect her brain or something, when everyone knows Im saving THAT for my graduate research!
I really like those Dubble Bubble gums. Theyre good for the whole 5 seconds they have flavor.
This guy emailed me Thursday day. He found me through a UCLA Forums thingy. He’s…odd. And short. I know him because we watched a movie in Hebrew together once. He was a year ahead of me. Now he’s 2 years ahead of me. Oh well. He’s…very…unique.
Friday I did NOTHING. I stayed up until 7 Saturday morning watching stupid shows. I saw Curse of the Werewolf, which was either badly written or extremely profound, an infomercial for this fruit cutting juicepress thing, the Trinity Broadcasting Network childrens’ programming…involving a sherriff and these two sisters singing with 80’s stage presence and hair. Nothing says Christian like Hair Gel!
Friday, Lisa and I went to lunch at Ackerman, and we ran into my friend from last quarter, William! He had a friend with him, Anna, and she was totally cool! She came with Lisa and I to Venice Beach where I distributed chocolate to the masses! Stoners and Homeless alike. It was fun. One stoner was really interested in Katism.
Stoner Tom: Would you ladies like some *mumbles* buds?
Me: Sounds like a party, but we gotta drive home. You want some chocolate?
Stoner Tom: What kind of sick mind offers stoners chocolate?!!
One of the stoners asked if there was a catch, and I was like “Oh, well if it was Wednesday, I’d be converting you to my religion” at which point I had to explain I -wasnt- Christian and that Kat saves. When we finally went around and introduced ourselves, the stoner who was the most interested in Katism looked shocked that my name was Kat, but I reassured him without missing a beat “It’s a coincidence.”
Before we talked to those stoners, we got all the way to the end of the strip without talking to anyone, and I said something about all the close relationships we’d made that night that I’d cherish forever. And this stoned guy was leaving and I was like “You! I know you’ll remember me forever!” and he goes “I dont even know you!” and I say “We just met! Just now! Didnt this conversation mean ANYTHING to you?!” and we walked away, Lisa and Anna trying not to laugh tooo loud at the poor confused stoner.
Nothing was open by the time we got there though…I had been all ready to go alone, but…I was asked not to.
The other Anna, whom I love, got a cell phone, and never answers it. Its so hard keeping up a relationship with her. She disappears and never returns my phonecalls. She’s very very ill, but still. Its…hard. “And it’ll grieve me ’cause I love you so…”
We were supposed to get my roots bleached today (yesterday), but it never happened. *sigh*
Wednesday/Thursday night I went to Zack’s dorm room to do homework. It was fun. He listens to NPR. We talked about a lot of political stuff. He’s very into everything good, and likes to learn. This girl came over and studied for a while. I liked her, but I think she disliked me actively. At around 5 in the morning, I finished the assignment, but Zack wasnt done yet, and rather than track my sorry ass back home just to climb into bed, Zack gave me a sleeping bag to lay on. When he climbed into bed aroudn 6, he tossed me a blanket that landed on my head. I didnt really need a blanket, but I’ll never turn down a pillow! He woke me up at 8am by playing a cool station, Arrow, on his radio, that happened to be playing Bohemian Rhapsody!!!! How awesome? Then we went to Bradley’s “cafe” and Zack bought me breaky with my meal plan. Choosing the location was very tricky: the place with rice (I only really like rice and eggs and fruit for breakfast), or the place with cartoons. We agreed that cartoons are much more important to a fully rounded out day. We discussed Smurfs and Communism.
As we were walking up Bruin Walk, we ran into Michelle, who’s in my Language Invention class and who Zack knew from the radio station…Im not sure which one. Zack had to go to class, but mine wasnt for an hour yet, so I hung out with Michelle, trying to get people to join the United Arab Society. It was fun, sort of. Michelle tried to talk to people passing, and they would just look away, even if he wasnt trying to get them to join.
My hours are all fucked up right now. I keep waking up after noon, which just isnt right. And Im not using my time wisely. Today there was this girl watching TV ALL DAY FULL BLAST in the Dining/Study room.
I think I have confrontational issues with people I don’t know that well.
I hate it when people arent up front.
I’ve been thinking about this girl I know lately, the born-again I stay with when I work on the ranch in the summers. She’s so nice, but she scares me. She’s so naive and so judgemental at the same time. She has no curiosity about the outside world. She wants to bring Jesus to people, to help people, but has no desire to look at people who might actually need help. She’s such an awesome person, but I really hope the world bites her in the ass one of these days.
Someone over 40 who lives in Maine or someplace whitewashed like that once told me “Get with the real world!” over something stupid. We were arguing about how much sugary idiocy you should force down your kid’s throat. I dont think kids should be FORCED to “act their age” because there are a lot of kids who dont get to choose, and kids who see the real world and are taught young to deal with it do better later. I told her “I’m IN the real world, where kids don’t reach their 13th birthdays because they were born with venereal diseases, because they starved to death, were abandoned, beaten, shot, stabbed, driven crazy, given some easily curable disease that they didnt have money to fight against. I live in the world where I had to step over the bodies of driveby victims on the corner of my school’s block. I live in a world where kids are raped by their father or stepfather or mother’s boyfriends, or watch their mother being beaten and raped. I live in a world where some guy locked his infant daughter in his attic in Los Angeles until she was 13 years old. I live in the world where June Cleaver is a joke and the Beav would have gotten his ass kicked by now. Where the hell are you?”
After which she tried to tell me how HER real world is Maine, so obviously I still dont live in it. Or something. Twit.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Different Drum — sung by Linda Rondstadt, everything Im feeling right now about a few people.
- New York, New York — by Ryan Adams
- What It’s Like — Everlast, wow. I just understood the Lyrics. THAT’s what Im talking about.
- The Space Between — Dave Matthews
coming clean
2002-04-04-2:17 a.m.
THere’s so much to write. It’s been a month. Its been a hard month.
Ive gotten through another winter quarter and begun my spring quarter, and neither has been very easy. I’ve been in the emergency room, and I’ll probably have a face scar. I’ve been in fights. I’ve been afraid. I’ve participated in campaigns. Im losing friends and gaining others. All in a month.
But that’s not why Im writing right now. Im writing because she’s written. She wrote first, and this is my petty revenge, which maybe no one will see.
I made out with a man with a beard once. If you know me, you know Im pogonophobic. Beards are beyond repulsive to me, theyre frightening. But I did it. I found that as long as you close your eyes tight enough, you can let yourself go somewhere else. You don’t have to be there. Your body knows how to do certain things, your mouth knows what its duties are. I let him do other stuff to me. I can’t stand him, but I felt unable to leave. I felt I owed him something. I did get out in time, but I learned the trick.
Ignore it. Don’t bring it up. Give people what they want, but keep your own mind separate.
I told her Im not good in relationships, that people don’t like who I become in relationships. It’s true. I become a non-entity. If it’s not perfect, I’m not really part of it. So I let her do stuff, and I dont say anything because she’s my best friend and I don’t really want to hurt her. Because we’ve talked about it, and I thought I was clear, but she persues.
My darling Mattia…you dont know Mattia yet, but I think you will soon enough…he says that if someone wants a romance to happen hard enough it will, no matter what the object of desire feels. It doesnt work that way for me, but it certainly works that way against me.
Did I ever like her? Yes. Of course. She’s smart and funny and fun, and she can be pretty. She has pretty ways. But for maybe a month or more, I’ve seen the other things too. That sad desperation that I posess, but fear in other people. That jealous flare. That unwillingness to talk TO me.
I didn’t tell her she had to stop blogging about me. I told her she had to TALK to me before she did. I can’t have a relationship based on wistful little signs in a blog. She actually knows who I am, but she feels more comfortable amongst people she’s only met once or twice. She swears thats not so.
It’s other stuff too. A manic side that takes me aback. The finance thing. How open she is, how forcefully open about things I find disgusting and taboo, yet some things that must be spoken will not pass her lips. Likewise, the things I think fantastic, she finds beyond repulsice. The hints, the endless hints. The brushing up which I ignore. The kisses I ignored. The ones where I just kept my eyes closed to let her have her fantasies.
On some level, I’ve been guilty of all of this, but not on HER level. It staggers me. My lady is clever, beautiful of spirit, kind, but her soul and mine do not match.
So she wants an answer. She wrote, knowing I’d answer, but I think she did not know the manner. Here is my answer: We cannot be. I will always want to be your friend, my darling, but I cannot be your soulmate.
That said, I will probably have lots of spare time for a while until she stops being so unbelievably pissed off at me. I might even take up my studies for once.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Stuck in a Moment by U2
- There She Goes by Sixpence None The Richer — Hahahahahah! Its so FUN to get songs stuck in people’s heads!
- New York, New York by Ryan Adams
- The entire score from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast — Caron and I had a Google-full day this morning!
sent sprawling
2002-04-15-3:30 p.m.
I keep starting to blog and then something will happen…time, distractions, the computer will crash. I promised to write about my dog bite, about my weekend of starvation, about my fight with my mother, about my talks with my sister, about Lisa, about Mattia, Y?, Caron, Israi, about everything…I cant do it all now. I have to study, and that’s the problem.
No, it’s not really the problem…I actually like my classes. They’re starting to feel substantive to me. I like hearing about this stuff. It reminds me why Im in my major.
The problem is Im an addict. If you knew me, you’d know that. Im addicted. I’ve been using since I was fifteen. Ive written about this, Ive won prizes for my writing. There’s no aspect of my usage that isnt joyful for me, except what happens around the time Im using. I get tired, I miss classes, as I did this last Friday, and boy were those big classes. I feel comfortable, and no one on this earth should feel true comfort. It makes you slothful, decietful, a lot of stuff.
I never kicked my habit. I never went cold turkey. God knows my usage has gone down since 2 or 3 years ago, but I still do it a lot. But last week I kicked it up a notch. I went back to what it was before. Im using it more than I was using The Sims.
When I talk to people, my voice comes out hoarse. They ask if Im all right. No, Im not fucking all right. Im just tired.
So here’s the pinnacle, not of my downward spiral, but of my rage. Mattia told me I MUST help Lisa, I MUST be more active in her life, because Im stronger than her. Im not fucking stronger than her. Just because Im more stoic, just because I dont have as many outward problems, doesnt mean Im fucking stronger. Im so fucking sick of being stronger. Of being blamed for everything I have no control over just because Im bigger and calmer.
Then Lisa told Mattia that I’d told her what he said, and Mattia got even more pissed at me. He tells me what MATURE people do is finish a conversation before they go consulting someone else about it. Because he’s so fucking mature. Because he’s so fucking good with confrontation. He wont even talk to who he should. He plays at intrigues. Fuck Mattia.
And for the record, my issue with Lisa was a different subject that my issue with Mattia. I was showing her what Mattia was doing, not so she could intervene, but so she could understand what had been wrought by talking to him so much. Mattia thought it was tattling. Fine. Whatever.
Yes, I fucking logged off. It was 2am, and as I said, Ive been wearing myself ragged with my addiction. I have no patience to be lectured by either one of them. I wont have either of them INFORMING me how Im to percieve the world. I don’t see them as children, but I certainly don’t see them as aspects of myself either.
A few people have asked me, what is my type of woman? I have so many specifications for men, so what do I look for in a woman? The answer is, really, the same thing I look for in a man. It just sounds silly saying it. I want someone strong, someone who can stand their ground, and take up some of mine too. I want someone who cares for themselves as well as others. Someone who wants to be part of all of it, the whole world, like I do. That’s part of my addiction.
Im still mad, so I’ll write some more, but on different subjects. The dog bite…I was bitten by my landlady’s German Shepherd. My landlady is paranoid that someone is breaking into her apartment and “sabotaging” her, playing stupid idle tricks. I think she’s sleepwalking. I told her to install spy cameras in her apartment so she could have evidence. Instead she bought a big fucking dog. I consider it cruelty to keep such a large dog in such a small apartment. I dont blame the dog. We were walking home Thursday of last final’s week with Lisa, and I saw my landlady standing with her dog on the street corner. I asked her if I could pet it since I hadn’t seen it before. She nodded and let me. I know it was stupid. I tried to cuddle it, and it jumped a little and bit me on the eyebrow.
Cindy saved me. The girls in my house, once I got to my house, leaving a cold trail of blood in my wake, they took care of me. Cindy is premed. Lisa walked me to the emergency room, and waited with me, and got me food. It was a 2 hour wait, maybe, and then another hour once i was actually in the partitioned room with the other people. On the direct other side of the curtain were two Jewish women who had been on their way to a funeral. On had slipped and torn her wrist open. They spent the time “one-upping” each other on horrible things they had seen at different Jewish events… “And then there was that Rosh Hashannah where the boy got trapped int he fire on the third floor…”
On the other side from them was an arabic (?) couple. The man was much irritated with the two women, I think, and kept asking the poor harrowed nurse to get someone to see to his wife sooner. Across from me, a black man was wheeled in, but the curtain was drawn over him quickly, and he made no noise. I think I was separated from him so quickly cause I was singing Buffy songs to pass the time.
The nurse gave me a tetanus shot and was extremely nice under the circumstances. The doctor who finally saw me was a dick, and didnt know what a “phobia” was. He told me “you’re an adult!” as if that solved the fact he was shoving razor sharp pins into my eyebrow over and over, injecting burning novacaine, shooting saline solution at high speed over the cut. But again, if I had been a cute little thing, this would have been moot. No one expects someone who greets them with a firm handshake to end up begging for relief.
When the dog bit me, it was just the icing on the cake. That weekend I had lost my credit card and finally ran out of money. Lisa was again my savior here, lending me money and food. I got fully trapped in the bureaucracy that is banks that Monday. I got passed from branch to branch, all of them telling me they could do nothing for me. As it was, I spent so much time in the system, I couldnt finish the final paper that was due, so I begged an extension from the professor, with the help of my wonderful T.A. from last quarter, who took pity on me when she saw me slumped by my prof’s door, having found that he had left his office and I could not confront him. I have the emails still, and I shall post them.
I begged a dollar the next day, and they (oh, surprise) HAD my fucking card. I had apparently left it in a machine. After that, I took out a twenty and went off in search of a place to break the twenty to buy passage on the bus. I had been told that the branch I had to go to was only reachable by the fare buses. When I walked far enough, I spied a Yoshinoya! My truest love! When I got closer, I realized that I KNEW this Yoshinoya. It was the one by a Big Blue Bus stop! It was the one by my friends’ apartment!! I dropped in on one of the friends, to use their bathroom. He was mystified. I really mostly wanted validation that I was still alive, I think.
Anyway, the professor was REALLY nice about the whole second extension thing. I eventually got the paper in, and got a B in the class. Yay!!
I got a B in my speech class, too. Damn right! After my brilliant final speech, I had better have! I wonder if I have the tape to transcribe…
Anyway, it’s now 3rd week of school. The lab starts being open 24/6, so lots of study…uh…opportunities. Our Supervisor sent around a note about Mattia hanging out and taking liberties. Good. Im mad she knows whose friend he is, though. She only EVER hears the bad stuff about me. Nothing about how Im good, brilliant, wonderful, kind, smart, help out when Im not scheduled, stay there 12 hours a day sometimes, etc. Just the parts where someone says something nasty about me, whether its true or not. *sigh*
OK, Im tired, so Ill leave you with that…there’s other stuff I should mention, I guess, but its not burning in the front of my brain right now…
No songs. Its mostly Buffy and Beatles and a little Disney, if youre curious.
all night, all day…
2002-04-24-2:10 a.m.
Im working the night shift tonight! woot! vince brought me the Ling book that our Syntax professor requires we read. It was standard for Vince’s Ling 20 class, but mine had a different one.
Last night I was trying to do last minute syntax homework and Y? and I started talking and we called Lauren and Lauren had me call Sarah and we allll got caught up and Sarah came over and took Y?, Lisa, and I to Ralph’s, and we terrorized the market just like in olden, golden days! It was sooo fun.
While we were waiting for Sarah to pick us up, Y? was doing cartwheels to work of energy and I flashed her in the middle of one. I didnt even think she saw me do it, but she did and it broke her cartwheel and she fell laughing. The rest of the wait, she was miming what I had done, watching herself in a mirror. She decided she’s cute. Lisa was standing around the corner out of the way, and didnt catch my performance apparently. 
Now I have the night shift and I want to get all caught up. Today is Wednesday, right? I only have Lab tomorrow at noon. So I have to keep myself awake between now and then. I’m supposed to meet this guy, Marcel in front of the Toilet Bowl at 11:30. Marcel is in a hard rock band looking for a lead singer. The flyer said they want someone who can actually sing, not just yell…I can’t really yell anyway. I wonder how well i gotta sing…
I told Marcel my voice will prolly be shot tomorrow morning, but he really just wants to see me, to see if I have the right look for being a front-persyn. Yeah, I can see this going far. He has a good sense of humor on the phone though. And he said he’s 6′3″ with brown hair and a bassist. Hmm…
I need some time away from HER. Maybe a LOT of time. Y? can see it.
Y? is teaching me some Cantonese. Its fun. I never remember much. I just love languages though. I always wanted to be that person who listens to people talking in their language and then says something offhanded to let them know I understood them all. I love that opening scene in True Lies where Arnold is just walking among the international people and talking to all of them. It was kewl!
Anyway, so the D.A.M.S. are having a lil post-midterms party Friday, even though my midterms arent over till next Thursday. Ah well. It’ll be good to party with them again, uninhibited, with people who concern themselves over my sobriety…
My sister, father, and I saw Death to Smoochy during Spring Break…it was AWESOME…my sister has a new standard to hold movies to. It used to be Fight Club. We have a thing for Edward Norton now.
OK, here’s the correspondence between my Phonology professor and I, just cause I promised to post it…
Phonology Paper...
Mon, 18 Mar 2002 17:42 +0000
Sir,
I hate that this is last minute, as much as you do. I do not have a paper to turn in right now and I beg you for leniency.
Sheherezhad had her execution stayed for her stories, and so I hope mine will entertain you enough to show me the same mercy.
Today began a few days ago. My sister, who was to be my subject, who SWORE she would be my subject, decided not to be at the very last possible minute. I then tried to find another subject, but it is extremely difficult to find someone during finals. I have decided to test myself, and I only wonder how trustworthy the elicitation is since I already know everything Im going to ask me.
I had a statistics final at 8am this morning which I failed miserably, then stumbled to bed hoping to catch a few hours sleep before I began the paper. When I woke up, I had an extreme headache. Im sure you've noticed that I am always coughing or sick when I am not absent. I have chronic bronchitis which, due to not sleeping for many days on end, has come to fully bite me in the tucchus. On top of which, I have lost my ATM card, my only means of getting money, and hunger always gives me a headache.
I tried to email you at that point, around 2pm, but my computer would not connect to the net, and if you knew how dedicated I am to the web, you could imagine how much agony that sent me in to.
Still, I went to the UCU to ask them to issue me a temporary replacement until my card is renewed next month, and they told me I must go to the main branch. I spent my last dollar to take a bus to the main branch and get a transfer. The main branch does not issue money, only checks to be cashed at the Bank of America.
The busline does not let you use a transfer for the same line usually, but the driver saw how I was crying by then and let me get on anyway. I got to the BofA in Westwood 15 minutes before closing and waited an interminable amount of time before a window opened. When I finally got to the teller and handed him the UCU check, he asked for ID. I gave him my Bruin card, for it has been a long time since I carried a state ID. He went and asked his manager and in the end told me he could not issue me the money because it was not valid.
Sadly, I hopped a blue bus and came to Campbell to speak to you in person, but you were not here, which I suppose is wise, for you must get many supplicants on days when projects are due. Still, in the state I am in, I fell to crying again, and Rabecca, my T.A. from Phonetics last year, saw me and asked what was the matter. I confessed my day to her and she told me to come into this computer room and email you.
Now, it is a matter of business, which I have no head for and less so because I am hungry. I can definitely finish this paper by the end of finals week, and would gladly take a (small) hit on my grade for it. Otherwise, I would bring up the idea of allowing me an (I) for right now, which I am hesitant to do as I already have one on my transcript, not to mention I think it is most likely inconvenient for you to read an undergrad's forays into your field during your vacation.
Sincerely and with hope,
Kat Barron
The red-haired and tear-streaked
Ah, socratic question: in the process of wug-testing my sister for the preliminary (i.e., I gave her the wug-test in the article so I could better decided what to concentrate on in the test I make up), she gave an irregular form of past tense for one of the invented questions. I thought about it and it seemed right, but it is not the "correct" response listed by Berko. My sister and I spent much of that afternoon trying to decide why "fly" becomes "flew" when "fry" becomes "fried" and "try" becomes "tried", although "grow" has "grew", "crow" has "crew" but it also has "crowed" now (I think one may only be a poetical form), "know" has "knew", but "glow" has "glowed" and "flow" has "flowed", but "blow" has "blew". Is there a phonological rule? I toyed with the idea of a semantic reason (perhaps there were homophones that required a different past tense), but I really dont know anything much about semantics.
I shall, now that I have it stuck in my head, strive to find the environment. All of the words I have listed above have initial 2-consonant clusters in the spelling (you mentioned that we used to pronounce the "k" a long time ago in things like "know"), and they al are single-syllables with no phonetic coda in my dialect.
-------------------
Re: Phonology Paper
Time: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 17:59:02 -0800
Hi Kat,
Sorry about your woes. Re my own contribution to them, I had to go pick up Junior at school, my wife being sick. I should have left a sign...
So, let's say hand the paper in by the end of Finals weeks and the penalty will be very minimal.
Re patterns in past tenses: you can find little environments where the change works pretty well, but you can never get a rule that works perfectly. Settle for decent imperfection.
-bh
You ever have one of those weeks?
Fri, 22 Mar 2002 16:42 +0000
OK, Im really close to done on this paper, but the computer lab is closing early early today. I would BE done with it, except that I spent 4 hours in the emergency room yesterday due to the extremely big dog that bit my face. I got a tetanis shot in my right arm. My mom took pictures. Anyway, since I got bit as I was going home to take a rather strategic and important nap, and got thrown off by hours by Kujo, and then had to work until 2am and THEN sleep (Note to self: blood loss + head injury + 30-hour-days = tired), I lost way too much time on this.
You have been very gracious already, and my pride has been having rude words with my temporal existance. Also, my friend/witness had offered to email you yesterday, but I clung to the hope I could finish on time.
Now the hour nears and it is all too clear I will not finish by 5 p.m.
I will get it to you tomorrow. It is, of course, up to you whether you choose to recieve it or not, and I will not regard your decision in any sort of ill will.
RE: You ever have one of those weeks?
Fri, 22 Mar 2002 19:18:19 -0800
I will receive it, with only very modest penalty.
Hang in there.
Yay! Anyway, I just thought its probably amusing if it didnt happen to me.
I love meeeat!
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Everywhere by Michelle Branch
- You Aint Never Had a Friend Like Me from Disney’s Aladdin
- Cruel to be Kind by Nick Lowe, as covered by Letters to Cleo
- I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick as covered by Letters to Cleo
- Preacher Man by Aretha Franklin
- Sooooo many others….Queen, B:TM, Chicago:TM, Josie and the Pussycats, Ramones…
over night…
2002-04-25-6:10 a.m.
The overnight shift fucked up my sleep schedule. I slept for 10 hours yesterday after class. I went to Stevens first, because he had mentioned a book he was going to let me borrow, but he was busy and I checked his shelves while he was working, and it didnt look like he had it. I left my card with the reason I had came. *g* see? I KNEW there was a reason I had those things.
Ive been awake all night watching TV. I feel abandoned. I expect I’ll get over it. Y? says you need 20 minutes of sun exposure a day to get all your vitamin E…I was in the sun that long…well, assuming there was sun behind the clouds today…waiting and talking to that guy, Marcel. He seemed cool. His eyes were small and black, so they just looked all black.
I dozed in my discussion, but I still mentioned to answer questions correctly. I think my lab partner may be getting worried. So am I.
Stevens yelled at me to go to sleep when I told him about my shift. Aw. Sleep’s not all its cracked up to be…yes it is.
There are some really kind people in this world.
I look at my hands, and I dont see my hands…I see skin over muscle over bone…I see fexing and reflexing…and I see tools invented to make their limited abilities useful…knives, twist-tops…I see my hands growing old, wrinkled, gnarled, cold…dissolving…and then I have a panic attack.
Im supposed to meet Mike & Ben people on campus today to film a really quick sketch. There is a slight potential I may get in trouble. Meh.
You know what? Its not so fucking wrong to need space, LISA. There, I said it. Happy? YOU are whom Im writing about, Lisa. YOU know it, I know it, and pretty much everyone who reads this…all five people…know it. So why the FUCK do pronouns bother you? They’re just THERE…indirect indictment in a public forum.
And ALL I said is I need some space, OK? I said THAT much a week ago, in the living room. I need to breathe. We’re around each other too much. Its my fault as well as yours. But yeah, if you’re gonna avoid me for a while, that’s fine. We need a break from ALL of it. None of this pretending shit. Youre already stifling and strangling yourself with it.
That said, I think I can breathe easier now. Y? let me use her computer to write/print my homework that’s due tomorrow…we’re meeting in CLICC’s Classroom! Its so wierd to know Im on that little printout we make every day. I’ve never had a non-CLICC-related class IN CLICC…its like…a trip.
In one week during the Month of No Writing, two people told me in one way or another “I know you better than you know yourself.” This gnaws at me. And here is why: Neither the two people did or do. They dont care to, they will never want to know as much about me as I do. My rules only make sense in my head. Sometimes, there’s people…there’s Johnny or Anna or Y? or someone who really know something stonecold about me. Yet, its not something I didnt know about myself, its just something they phrase better than I.
I hate movies where the overwhelming assumption is “well, if you keep on her hard enough, that stone facade will chip away to reveal the lovely sweet girl she is within”, because it WONT always. Even if its a facade, it may be part of the building by now. I also hate that whenever a girl is a bitch, there’s always some deep trauma that has to surface later. Sometimes females are just STRONG or just BITCHES. It may not be pleasant for everyone, but strong women keep the race going. Bitches are what keep the race smiling as it goes.
When people ask me what Im like, I tell them. They ALWAYS assume Im bullshitting…not always…John, Chris, Anna, a few more…they knew…I was convinced it was part of the Y chromosome to tell me that I was just putting up a front, rather than actually getting a good look at me.
Lisa gets offended sometimes when I make cracks at Lisa. Lisa knew I did this when Lisa and I first met. Sometimes Lisa laughs at it…or maybe laughs it off. I think Im supposed to make exceptions for my comments when speaking to Lisa. Can I use pronouns now?
I watched ESPN’s Fitness competition for bodybuiling women…I’ll never be able to do most of it…but I may look like that with some work. I wonder if my breasts will shrink that much when I go for it though. They’re all tiny.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- I Want A Girlfriend by Weezer
- Mr. Farenheit by Queen — I really think one of those body building chicks could use this in their routine…all the commentators were hating on how slow their music was…
- You’re My Best Friend by Queen
fall into the sky
2002-04-25-7:02 p.m.
I just jump from sub-addiction to sub-addiction and back again.
I LOVER Baskin Robbins. I LOVER Mike and Ben. I LOVER my major. I LOVER my job. I LOVER LOVER LOVER Terry Pratchett!!! I guess I had a good day.
I went to sleep for a few hours after my last entry. John called at nine, I made him call back 20 minutes later. Then I went back to sleep until nearly noon. I just made it to my first class on time to get the lecture notes. I went to syntax, wrote out lyrics to a Buffy song and then wrote new lyrics of my own that I was thinking to the tune of A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, sort of. My brain tends to mutate tunes if I cant remember all of them until the little bit I remember seems complete.
Then I went to my discussion in Classroom C. Tim was on 3rd, so I talked to him and wrote out the scheddy on the whiteboard for him! I’d never done that before! Hehehe. Then I learned to use CHILDES and CLAN, which will be helpful for our final projects. I have a partner, Sergio, now. I didn’t before. I think he’s something like the only other undergrad in our discussion. I was gonna partner with this other girl, Janis, in the other section, but I saw Sergio after the Bilingualism Lecture. In discussion, we sat next to each other got each others’ AIM names. He’s really cool in a familial sort of way.
After that, I went down to Bruinwalk and found Grace and Mandy making random passersby do confessions for the camera. It was super fun to watch! Then we did our sketch, which…yeah, I dont know if it will come out very well, we had to make several modifications to the original concept, but I seriously disturbed some guys on Kherkoff steps, and I highly doubt they’ll ever EVER eat at Taco Bell again EVER. *evil grins*
Then I meandered, got psghetty from Sbarro, saw Arthur, from high school, at the smoothy place, we talked a little, it was pleasant. He’s pretty cool, but almost ready to drown I think.
After that, I was bored, so I went to Ackerman and read an entire Terry Pratchett novel that is very old, but I dont recall reading it. Ive SEEN Faust Eric a thousand times, but I think I’d always assumed that I’d read it before…or maybe I’d just read it when I didnt understand Discworld well enough to keep it in mind. Anyway, it was of course extremely funny. It was a Rincewind one, and I like him and Commander Vimes and the witches the best because theyre Jaded and Sardonic.
Sci-fi geeks are really nice and feel really bad about it when they ask you to please move your arse that’s spread out all over the Sci-Fi aisle of the bookstore. I NEED to start carrying that foldout chair with me. I could be the most erstwhile lazy person on the planet!
After giving the book a good reading in record time, I treated myself to a banana royale, which is just a banana split with less ice cream and toppings, and the banana is cut going the other way. Then I came here. I work at 8. Lalalala. I am going to live in the dining room this weekend and READ and DO Homework, dammit! I have 2 midterms this coming week, and I can probably bullshit Bilingualism, but I dunno about Syntax. Its actually a science and shit.
Oh! I forgot to mention that during my overnight shift, I revamped the titles on Utopiate Nation so they’re all streamlined now. I actually have a THEME going, yo! Now I just need symbols to replace the bitch dolls and some sort of background that complements the titles, while maintaining a basic blackness. Oh, and I wanna make the main texts separate scrollable frames, for neatness…yeah, I’ll just get on that.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton — I can’t get it out!!! Its like Ive read the Octavo!! Even Queen is powerless against it!!
super girl
2002-04-26-7:27 p.m.
I have the armed chair!!! Im armed and dangerous! Hahahahahaa!!! *rests elbows menacingly*
Today was boring and slow, but not altogether unpleasant. Its cloudy outside, so I feel slothful, but happily Im not depressed. Im rather cheery. I need to study syntax, and sleep, but right now Im at work so bullocks to that. I feel all British today. Pratchett always does that to me.
Tomorrow is the Festival of Books, but it looks like rain, so I dont know how well it will do. I half-hope it gets rained out. Serve em right for never having anything good, except the comicbook tent. What i really want is Samuel French or something with lots and lots of scripts, but they never deliver. The tents always go to some idiotic teenage “prodigy” or something. The last couple times Ive gone, there’ve been a couple cool bookstores aimed at childred of different ethnicities, and I usually hang out there for a while. I think Im really just going this time to buy my annual hot dog.
My freshman year, the comic book tent had a vinyl Angel figure I soooo bought. I also have some Batman and Powerpuff comics from there, a book called How to Survive a Horror Movie, and some lesbianic propoganda in the form of rewritten mythology.
Speaking of Powerpuff Girls, its come up TWICE today. A few days ago, I bought a Powerpuff Girls plate to eat my sandwiches from. It’s prettyful! So today, I took out my little plate because I was contemplating eating something, and this girl in the house I dont really get along with looked at it and was like “YOU like them?” and Im like “Yeah buddy! Dig the watch!” and she said someone told her that she is a lot like “green one” and I was like, me too! and explained each of them to her, and she was muchly amused.
When I was in laptop after that, this little asian girl came in who was way to chipper to NOT be a freshman, and she saw my watch and began to Adore it, and we compared what merchandise we owned (she won) and threw jokes back and forth at one another over her friend’s head. I dont know her name, but she was darn cool. Much power to the little Asian freshman girl!
Im working till 11. I was supposed to go over to the D.A.M.S.’ place tonight and drink, but theyre playing D&D and Im working, sooo…guess not. I wonder if I can convince Rob to take me somewhere tonight. Prolly not. *sigh* I want to get OUUUUT!
Ah well. If nothing else, there’s always the end of that godawful book Im reading, The Ill-Made Mute. It sucks monkey. She takes every stupid fantasy convention and expounds upon its idiocy, on top of which, its repetitious. I did a lil review on Amazon.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles — Sun, sun, sun, here we come!
- Supergirl — a tribute song by a Japanese band to the Powerpuff Girls. “Im a supahguhl! No one can stop me! Cause I…LIKE TO FIGHT FIGHT!”
cutting edge
2002-04-26-11:49 p.m.
Its time like this I wish I was a cutter. Im so FRUSTRATED! Im so SICK of this house! Im so sick of everyone! I convinced Robert ot buy some extra hours so we’d get off at the same time, and then his friend called and offered to give me a ride home, and Robert told me maybe we could ask him if I could go watch them get high or something, but the friend never showed up!! So I had to walk home, and the house is quiet and the day is over and the buses arent running and I HATE the rich white bastards that destroy everything fun in this town.
Im sick of the net tonight too. Im only on it for lack of other stuff to do. I ate the rest of my chicken salad. Maybe I’ll get food poisoning and that will distract me for a while. I know I should study, but I deserve SOME fun dammit. This is the first time Ive ever been really pissed off that Im younger than everyone in my class. By the time I turn 21, all my contemporaries will be jaded of the whole club scene. Ill never get to have any fun. Jesus, I can barely keep friends that DO drink or smoke out. There’s nothing more horrible than going to a bar/club/restaurant by yourself. If you cant even get a friend to go with you, youre beyond hopeless.
Maybe next quarter we’ll get some party girl in the house who wants to be friends. Or maybe Annie will be the first person ever who makes good on her offers to take me clubbing. I want to rave, dammit! I DO want that lifestyle. I want to destroy my body with alcohol and drugs AT LEAST ONCE. I LIKE house and techno, and I’d probably even like jungle if the friends I do have ever let me near it…
I hate it all…everything…I hate being the youngest, the most idealistic, the most unwanted. I hate not being sought out by people who want to help me. I think…I’ve always had an older-type person in my peer group to take me under wing, but everyone leaves here. The only person I can go clubbing with is my MOTHER…that place I went to the other night, the Sagebrush Cantina…they were gonna card me, until my MOMMY came and vouched for me…
This isnt a life…walking alone because no one will walk with me, and those who would, I will not allow; those who manage to keep up would pull me in a different direction than my true path.
I wish I had my bass here, or a bodybag to go rounds with. I need all this crap OUT of me…its GOT to get gone…
In evolutionary psychology, Stevens taught that females who do not have kids must help in some way to make the world safer and better for the offspring of their closest female relatives…I don’t want kids, but I don’t want to be the helper bee. I want an accomplishment that is my own. I want to shine for what I am.
caged bird
2002-04-27-4:55 p.m.
I spent the night at the D.A.M.S.’ house. I called Sarah, on the verge of tears ater I blogged, asking if I couldnt go over and watch them play D&D or something. It was really late. Sarah laughed and said the boys werent allowed ot play D&D anymore there because they ate what they oughtn’t. Her voice sounded a lil shaky, too, but it could have just been me.
I asked her, if I give you some money, will you buy me a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice, and she kinda laughed, but said she would, so she came and picked me up and we raided Ralph’s. We also got hard cider for her (which tastes like apple-y beer, if youre curious. blah) and Bacardi Silver for Mike, which was extremely expensive (like 9 dollars, yo!). I also bought a cherry-topped cake and Sarah got chips.
There’s this really cool old Latino guy who works nights at our Ralph’s. He calls all the females “sweety” or something, and all the guys things like “slugger” or “champ”, in this wonderful fatherly accent. I really adore him. He didnt card Sarah, so Sarah adores him too. He’s sly. When he sold me the cake, he said “Dont you want any champagne to go with this? Oh, I guess she’s bought all the liquor tonight!” He’s so cheerful.
Anyway, Sarah and I went back to her place, and Mike and Lauren were in Mike’s room. Sarah and I just talked and ate chips, I drank three bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade before I flagged (Ralphs was sold out of Smirnoff because its yummy). I still didnt feel a “buzz” or anything. I should have made myself drink the other three.
Sarah was tired after a while, so we pulled out her couch (I LOVE their couch. It pulls out into a FUTON!!!) and she gave me some blankets and I slept in front of the TV. Agnes and her boyfriend came in even later than that, and I WAS sick from the chicken salad, but only after I was all warm and cheered and whatnot.
I woke up “officially” because Lauren and Mike were making breakfast and Sarah was talking to them. I had some of the cake while Lauren and Mike shared ramen, and we all chatted like the happy family we were once.
I went to Koo Koo Roo for a more proper breakfast, hopped a bus home, walked aorund the fair, remain unimpressed. I did listen to Maya Angelou speak, though. That was awesome. She recited poems. I saw Zach up on a ledge, so I listened with him. He left early because he’s a mentor. I want to get into that stuff, Im just not sure I have anything positive to give to a kid.
I ran into the speech professor from last quarter and he asked after Lisa. Everything out of that man’s mouth sounds sarcastic. He actually looked human, for once, though. He was wearing a t-shirt and no glasses, so I hardly recognized him. There were long lines for all the food. There was a guy in front of the girl in fornt of me with a really heavy camera, taking pictures. He started asking us questions about our studies. His name was Nikita. I asked him if he’s Russian, he told me he’s Greek, and that I ought to go. Duh.
I finally finished The Ill-Made Mute. Nope, still sucks.
I have mad Jedi HTML skeelz. I helped this girl a lot last night with her class project website.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- The Great American Melting Pot — was being sung by some overly happy people on the Children’s Stage at the Festival
- A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton — still.
what child is this?
2002-04-27-10:34 p.m.
Just to get it out of the way:
Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By 
Growing.
Take the What animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz
You are the classic yellow squeeky toy.
Find your inner rubber ducky.
Red-eyed tree frogs come from the warm and humid rain forests of Costa Rica in Central America. Some believe that their red eyes are a form of protection called “startle coloration”. These frogs are very mellow during the day, and tend to be active only at night, so if the frog is awakened in the daytime, as might happen if a predator chanced upon it despite its excellent day time camouflage, the eyes pop abruptly open, hopefully startling the predator. This species tends to do better in a community of other red eyed tree frogs.
You are the original and therefore very popular. You also have those really cool polar bears representing you. But you have a bad after taste.
Find your inner cola.
Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She’s Crafty
What’s Your Style? Find out @ She’s Crafty
Take the What Should Your New Year’s Resolution Be? Quiz
Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley
I took the McDonalds test, and guess what I got?
You can take the McDonalds Product Test by Matio64 here!
Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
 |
Just another face in the crowd? Certainly not! You’re a people person, and you like everyone around to be your biggest fan. You may be called a sellout, attention whore, or prima donna, but anyone who says that is just jealous of your vibrant and outgoing personality. You’re concerned with appearances and with public opinion of yourself, regardless of whether you’re in a school or work environment. You have lots of friends and you’re hardly ever bored. You’re in good company with talk show hosts and politcians worldwide. |
Be cool! Take the What Do You Want Out Of Life? Quiz
which children’s storybook character are you?
this quiz was made by colleen
 I am Chocolate Flavoured.
I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You? |
I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by !
Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz
Made By: myway and teza
See which Greek Goddess you are.
So, now you know everything about me, right? 
I feel all defined as a person and stuff.
pain demands
2002-04-29-5:04 a.m.
I mostly just slept today. Went shopping with Y?, and talked to one of her friends on the phone, then studied/watched telly until now.
I keep dreaming about John…just random things. I dream he’s married. Last night I dreamed that I was pregnant. My dreams are so real, not because there arent any flying monkeys or anything, but because I react to them the way I react to all things. In the pregnant dream, someone told me it was time to like, give birth (which, by the way: ewewewewewewewewewewewewew. I wont watch A Baby Story on telly. Its groooosssss), and I started to cry and throw a tantrum because I didnt want to. I wanted to terminate. I’ll do anything to not face my fears.
I have a big problem with anaesthesia. When I got my wisdom teeth removed, they had to drag me into the operating room and tie me down because I dont like being asleep, much less involuntarily, because I dont like missing anything that goes on around me. My life is full of people wrestling me, fighting me, holding me down. One of my earliest memories is of my mom sitting on my legs, holding my arms above my chest in one hand, trying to give me a spoonful of some nasty medicine or other. I remember when I had to go in because I had a dark blue dot on my skin that my mother couldn’t wash off, I remember my mom holding me down while they shoved the local anasthetic syringe into my forehead, which had to have burned more than the knife and needle could have. I didn’t speak to my mother for MONTHS at one point because she guilted me into having blood drawn for a REALLY stupid an unnecessary reason (Acutane). I’m still resentful that she finally got me into an OB-GYN, and I have sworn it won’t happen again.
My mom has a knack for picking the most mortifying versions of any thing for me. I wanted to take dance lessons, she put me into classes that didnt have beginning or ends, so you just had to jump in with people much better than you already. I wanted to skate better, so she forced me to take the lesson with all the 5 year olds…when I was 14 or so. She’d been trying to force me into an OB-GYN since I was 14 or so, even though my pediatrician (ah yes, another shining mark: I had a pediatrician until I was 19) said I didn’t need to go to one until I was much older. When she did get me into an office, it was a male who was a conservative SOB, and told me that I was wasting his time with my objections. I kinda felt bad because he had a really nice female staff, but what part of my life-long hate of men did my mother not recall?
I’ve ALWAYS hated men. I’ve never trusted any man outside of my generation who wasnt my father. My mom’s convinced I was abused as a baby. My mom’s convinced EVERYONE was abused. No one can have a different leaning towards a body of people unless they were traumatized. In a way its good that she’s so cynical. In another it’s stifling.
My mom always tells me how I would cry and cry if men ever approached me. I was always the sort of child who was attatched to my mother’s skirts. I was also the kind of child who always told people what present we had brought for them, but we won’t talk about that. I was enthusiastic at that age.
I don’t have a whole lot of call to trust men. Some men are great…they’ll love you and talk to you and watch out for you, and treat you like their daughter, even if theyre a year younger than you. I realize that that is the sort of man I try to model myself after. I take my swagger, my handshake, my jeans, all from men I have loved and respected.
The rest of them…the ones that treat you like something less than human…I cant bear those. Or the ones with beards. There is a difference between treating you like a daughter and treating you like a pet. Which may be why I treat my pets like daughters…
Y? and I were discussing this the other night…there’s something sick in the land right now…the kids of my generation, the ones just a little younger than me…something’s wrong, and it’s not TV or music or the Internet…though all of those may contribute…something has killed off the souls of these kids. We were talking about the school shootings, but it goes beyond that…school shootings, kids murdering, raping, bombing, suicides…I think…I think something broke…and it must have been breaking for a long time for this all to only come out over the last ten years or so.
I’m not the cold-hearted wench some would make me out to be…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Kids in America
no play
2002-05-01-1:00 a.m.
Diaryland’s getting all high-class. It’s cool. I need to learn syntax righ quick.
I have Josie and the Pussycats songs stuck in my head. They all apply to someone. It sounds stupid, but theyre great songs. Ive always respected the women who wrote them.
I took a midterm today and probably didnt fail, even though I was first out of the class. Yay. I have another one tomorrow, which I very well may fail, but I have faith in me. Im glad I work for CLICC….I really COULDNT survive if I didnt print some of this out.
Sarah took us to SAV-ON tonight, and then we went to McDonald’s. I bought a lot of GIRLY stuff from SAV-ON…hair ties, Nair, Oxy, Apricot Scrub…JEEZ. I dislike me right now. I need purple hair dye. I dont feel like a real person right now. I have less pink in my hair than I’ve had in a YEAR…this is washing out fairly thoroughly.
Buffy was new tonight. Spike and Anya looked…really really fake, though it may have just been the camera angles. I want to SMACK Willow…Im really getting sick of the gay comments. Holy CRAP? YOURE Gay? YOU?! Who knew!! Jeez! I mean, there’s been like one every episode since she and Tara first started dating. Its like someone going around announcing that theyre black. Its obvious and redundant and takes up time.
I got this CD in my mailbox yesterday, and I can only guess who its from. It only has one song on it, In the Middle by Jimmy Eat Worlds…
For over a week, Ive been arranging sets for my fantasy band. They’d be all eclectic and have a message and stuff. The audience would tire itself out after the first. I even have alternate sets for like, gay clubs and stuff. Its fun.
I wanna lay out in the sun. I NEED to go to Venice at some point, buy hair dye, and lay out. You know?
Sarah and Y? are making me feel better about me. We’ve got that old fun familiarity between us that makes me feel alive. I’ve also been talking to John more. My phone bill is gonna suffer. Ive also been messaging with some OLD Arcadium friends…I hadnt talked to these guys in literally years.
I want to adopt the term “Jinkies!” According to Can’t Hardly Wait, Velma was “a real hip chick”, “a real cool lady” “someone who was really cool who never got much play.” At Sav-On I noticed that there arent any Daphne or Fred action figures. No one WANTS them. They were the useless good-looking ones.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Everything off of the Josie and the Pussycats album — Each original song hits me hard in a different place…
- In the Middle by Jimmy Eat World
- Soak up the Sun by Sheryl Crow
rationale
2002-05-02-11:35 a.m.
I’m having such a great week, aside from the mind-wrenching pain of midterms. Sarah, Y?, and I went out to dinner last night, and Lauren joined us when we returned home. They watched girly HBO TV, while I went to work for a whole hour. In laptop.
When I got there, Rob was just leaving, but we bantered and hugged, and danced! *giggles* We DANCED right in the middle of the staff area in CLICC. It was silly, but it was fun. My poppi and I used to dance all the time. Its one of those things I always wanted to do more, but never got the chance.
Being in a good mood at the get-go made the solitary hour more bearable. I like laptop when Im in a good mood, and people like me, because I always come up with new things to tell them not to do when they check out the laptop. “Don’t leave it unattended, don’t leave the building with it, don’t drop it, don’t drop it INTO anything, don’t sell it on the black market, don’t sacrifice it to a pagan god…” *grins*
When I came back home, Sarah, Lauren, and I discussed Fang, and the possibilities of me moving in to the D.A.M.S.’ apartment next quarter. Its all confused right now, but I must find a way out of this house. I’ve been here too long. My sister used to do this monologuey thing about a girl trapped in a room, in a perpetual mental cycle…its much creepy fun, but Im starting to feel that way…transient friends always always…
I love John, but I get the feeling he’s getting sick of me. Its hard sometimes, because I love him so much, and I find myself being that horrible annoying cajoling whiney stereotype with him that I cant bear in other people, much less in myself. I shouldn’t feel this bad about me, not around him.
Lisa is taking this sabbatical from each other to be introspective…it’s…good, I guess…there’s not nearly as much self-loathing negative crap on her blog as there used to be. But still, the epiphanies she’s coming to…if she’s 1000% serious about everything she says she’s realized in the last couple days…
Im looking at other blog sites, and I still think Diaryland is the best. I signed up for another one last night, just to test it, but it wasnt as pretty. I always loved getting pretty carbon journals, even if I never wrote anything in them. I always wanted this one in particular…my friend Jen in high school got this one bound in shiny blood red cloth that was covered again in black lace. It was from Hot Topic. There were also emerald green and poison purple ones. I may not have written in it, but I would have kept it always. Jen gave me a journal once. I wrote some stupid teenage shit in it, before I gave it over to being scratchwork for my rewrite of Snow White.
I love the Barenaked Ladies. They were on SNL year(s?) ago with Gwenyth Paltrow…its so awesome…not one of the males in that band is remotely hardcore or attractive, but they rock out hard on their little accoustic guitars.
Just because you can rationalize stuff doesnt make you right.
rainbow stickers
2002-05-02-4:45 p.m.
Some people are hella self-centered. They literally think everything is about them. The ones Im talking about are as bad as those religious freaks who search through rock music looking for signs of the Devil, or whatever the hell they’re convinced they’re fighting against. These ones will take any random sentance and twist it into an attack upon themselves. I swear, some people aren’t happy unless they feel persecuted. Ah well.
I took my last midterm! Wooot! Allll done. I have a rehearsal for Shakespeare Group and then work soon, or I’d be on the phone with Rob trying to get him to take me clubbing. We WILL go at some point soon, darn it! I need a nap badly, but I dont have time…
My director, Melita, is going to be mad at me. I couldn’t find a copy of Romeo and Juliet. I found REINTERPRETATIONS of it in the College Library, but no iambic pentameter to be found. I havent practiced at all, but Im half dead, so I hope she will understand. I can’t wait to meet our Mercutio tonight. Im always fascinated with that character and the actors who step into him.
Instead of taking the time I DID have to sleep after my discussion (we learned a program for presenting stimuli. It was highly technical and cool.), I went to Framer’s Market. The roasted corn is back! with a vengeance!! Its the one thing I’ve TRULY missed from back in the DAY. Its as good to eat as it is just to carry around. When you have hot roasted corn, you ARE the life of the party. Everyone wants to talk to you. Hehehehe.
Hmmm….
I decorated my monitor with neon rainbow stickers, which is in pretty contrast with the pastel rainbow stickers and the tru-color faerie stickers I had already. I just wish all my stickers were mroe sticky.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- God Rest Ye Merry Merchant Men
- Greensleeves
- You’re a Star! from Josie and the Pussycats
uggggh
2002-05-03-11:28 a.m.
I slept through my rehearsal!!! I emailed Melita, but she hasn’t emailed back. I hope she’s not TOO furious with me! I felt SOOO slummy. After I blogged, I lay down for a five-minute nap, and…well, you know how that goes.
Anyway, when I woke up, I had a message from Sarah on the machine. I dont know why I don’t hear the phone ring when the mobile isnt in the room. I mean, the hands free one is certainly loud enough when Im awake!
Anyway, Sarah needed funness, but I had to go to work (I woke up at like, 8:30 and had work at 9), so I had Y? call her and they played while I slaved for a WHOLE HOUR in laptop. Damn people and their cult of not-wanting-to-fail-midterms!
Lis and I are talking again. Yay.
Anyway, I went back to the house after work and couldn’t find anyone, so I walked to Rob’s apartment, and he, his roommate, and I, just talked a lot. I drank wine. I hate wine. It’s like beer. It just DOESNT taste good to me, but I drank it because I wanted to see if it would get me drunk. Lydia once told me that being drunk was like having a headache. I wonder if that’s what that was. Just a tiny lil headache. I didn’t slur my words more than usual though. Rob’s roommate is a geek like me. He watched Buffy too. Hehe. Rob knows all the cool people. He used to play poker with MYLES NYE for Mysake! Rob IS a cool person. And he’s affectionate, too, which is something I need. I need human contact. I got addicted to it in drama in high school.
I slur my words a lot…not because I can’t enunciate, but…I think there’s something wrong with my brain. Once in a while, I’ll go to say a word and my jaw will, like, spazz out and fuck up the vowel. People think it’s funny and they laugh and repeat the word just as I said it for a long time, but its NOT funny. I hate it. I can’t sound intelligent if I can’t fucking speak. Words are my LIFE. If I ever become famous, Im going to have to develop a reputation as a recluse just so I don’t have to give public speeches. I admire Maya Angelou on SO many levels.
Anyway, I took a cab back to my house. The cabbie was really nice AND spoke English, and it was $3.60 from Rob’s to my place, but I gave him $5 because he was cool and I can’t calculate tip that late at night.
This morning when John called for the second time, he told me he’s NOT sick of me and to stop thinking that right this minute. Hehe. OK. If you insist.
The lowest score on the midterm I took yesterday was -70 out of 85 possible. I haven’t seen my score yet, but I don’t think it would be too premature if I say I’d like to thank the Academy…
Damn. I have to go to class. Grr argh…
I have yet to use the term “Jinkies!”
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Endless Story by Shakira — Bitch needs to stop, ok? Joy Enriquez already has the label “The Mexican Britney Spears”…
- The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band — It’s sick what gets stuck in your head when you’re having lunch on 1st Level Ackerman…
radioactive sweaty girl
2002-05-03-3:36 p.m.
This is where all that cool stuff you see in geek movies comes from. Collect it all!
d00d…if you need more than three extremeties (and one is your head) for programming…pick a new field. That’s more excercise than Im willing to commit to.
After my class I went and hung out in the UCLA Media place in Kerkhoff. I watched Dagmar (pronounced Dow-mar) make a new Mike&Ben commercial. It’s way too high class for me, but if it makes her happy…:) She’s cool. She let me watch her edit all the stuff. We couldn’t get a camera for the scene we were shooting so we had to borrow Carolyne’s. Remember Carolyne? The Parisian she-devil? While I was waiting for the filming, she had the gall to tell ME that WE had been harsh the last month or so she was there. Nothing about HER going on fucking psychotic rampages, blasting her music at top volume when she was pissed off, and only turning it up when I asked her to turn it off. Nothing about how she threw a screaming tantrum when Y? told her she couldn’t use her computer anymore because she had used it for HOURS and used up all of Y?’s paper.
Whatever. Im sweaty. And tired. We shot this scene that once again had me running around on the sunny UCLA campus with wayyyy too much clothes on. All black. For over an hour. I love working for/with them, but can’t I be, like, a talking tree or something for once?
We scared the shit out of some people when four of us jumped Dagmar, tied her to a dolly and blindfolded her while she screamed and struggled, but no one helped. Harp says that people saw the camera when they looked around. Hehe, still there should be some great reaction shots.
Im too tired to walk the rest of the way home, so Im just like…chilling in CLICC, my lovely air conditioned home away from home. Sometimes in the middle of the night, people complain about the A/C, but we have to keep it on so the machines don’t overheat. And if you’re gonna be in CLICC till 4 in the morning, BRING A SWEATER!
I can’t even think straight…
I found this site after this guy in my Psych 100B class set up this little portable computer in class today. It wasn’t a laptop…it was a tower that was like three inches tall and maybe six inches by six inches at the bases. He also had this tiny lil flat screen and super-ergo mouse, but the “contoured” keyboard caught my eye. It’s WAY the fuck cooler than even my mom’s regular ergo keyboard. You look pimp typing on it. When you can look pimp TYPING, you know you’ve found a keeper.
I’ve had to go to the bathroom all day, but I keep forgetting. I suppose it will catch up with me at some point.
Im THIRSTY…I had a soda. Sean bought it for me, literally during the shoot. The chick at Rubio’s didn’t even blink and eye at four people in black wearing stockings over their faces asking her if she’d seen “THIS girl?!” Anyway, we set our sodas down on Bruinwalk to do the rest of the shoot, and I remembered it after the shoot. the sprinklers had come on while we were away, and my soda cap was soaked, but I just hoped no one had done anything indecent to them and drank some anyway. It reminded me of a Vietnam book I read once…talking about how when they found a stream, they just drank and drank, baring their teeth against the bugs, not even thinking about what they were drinking until after a few canteens full when they remembered to drop in the purification tablets.
Chris says Spiderman ROCKED. I need to get my ass home and drag Caron into Westwood!!!
crib notes
2002-05-06-12:18 a.m.
I had a badass weekend. My dad picked me up late late late Friday night after work. My new celly phone had come during the week, and it’s pretty!!!! No games though… Jeanine was in town, but she went to bed eventually.
Saturday, Daddy took Toby and I to P.F. Chang’s and to see Spiderman while mommy had a dinner meeting. Spiderman ruled! Except for the part where the computer graphics were PAINFULLY obvious. I tried desperately to suspend my disbelief, but DAMN! Anyway, yeah. Jeanine pisses my sister off as much as she does me. She talks to us as if we’re retarded three-year-olds. At least she doesn’t use baby talk.
My mom thinks up stupid things for us to do sometimes. While she and Jeanine went shopping for the dinner meeting, they asked us to clean up, and mom told Toby to empty out some jars and bottles to recycle. One of the jars was full of chili oil. If Toby had gotten even a drop on her, she could have been seriously fucked for the rest of the day. I told her, “Let’s do everything else and then be like, ‘darn! I didn’t have time to get to that!’” and we did.
Jeanine has a way of saying ignorant things. My sister is very submissive, and works her ass off. Before my mom’s 50th birthday party, EVERYONE was telling my sister to do things. Jeanine told my sister to clean her room. My Aunt Joanne took pity on my sister and took her out to lunch. When they got back, my Uncle Dave had “done and awesome job” of cleaning up her room. My sister had been amazed, but she heard Jeanine say something like “Well, what do you expect when she’s raised with a housekeeper?” Fuck that shit.
Anyway, after the movie, it was like 9:15, so we were allowed to come back, but the meeting was still on. Jordanna had come, and Marco, and a friend of my mom’s I barely know, Dena, and I think one of Marco’s business contacts. Dena was really nice to us and the dogs as Toby and I scrounged for leftover food and searched for the cake I had seen Jeanine and Mom with for Jordanna’s belated birthday. Mom saw me scrounging and held up the cake for me, so I had to lean across the dining table to get it, but turned it into an elaborate bow to save grace, which delighted everyone. Mom introduced me to the guy I didn’t know. I had been listening to him while I was scrounging. He’s a buyer. And he was trying to fend off the womenfolk’s idiotic ideas about how to run their side of the proposed business. I felt bad for him. I don’t know why my mother thinks that planning this thing with her girlfriends is a good idea. They keep kissing her ass, and they all propose stupid names.
I smuggled some cake to Toby, who was greatful and watched TV with her for a couple seconds. Then daddy came in and asked if I wanted to go meet a friend of his, Johnny. He said if I did, I’d have to put on nicer clothes. I put on my black hiking boots and pulled on this white linen doctor’s coat my mom had given me that morning that flows prettily behind me and has good lines when I tie it in back.
We stopped at the studio first. I only go to the studio if I had three good reasons, and this time I did: to meet Johnny eventually, some second reason that escapes me, and to finally FINALLY play Grand Theft Auto 3, which would have been badass if I had any driving skeelz at all, but I kept wiping out. Seth showed me how to play a little but he had to work. I met Aimee Mann! I dunno who she is exactly, but Ari likes her, and other people seem to have heard of her, so Im all yay! She and I had a lil repartee about videogames, I think.
Oh, on the way to the studio, dad called his “friend”, this chick in some state far away he met on the internet and “makes him happy”. I talked to her. She has no desire to see Spiderman. She doesnt watch TV, except Oprah. My dad says she listens to music on an amazing level he has no idea how to get to. Next time I talk to her, Im going to go “Are you my new mommy?”
Anyway, we met Johnny at this bar called Tangiers which if you know where Los Feliz is, it’s right down the street from Louise’s Trattoria. It was like…culture in bar form, and EVERYONE was connected. I adored listening to Johnny who says fun things like “Fuhgeddaboudit!” and knows people named “Eddie” and “Vino”. He used to be a history teacher, but now he’s a record promoter. I’d love to intern for him. He’s also a singer, and he’s going to start having regular shows at Tangiers and daddy says I may go. I drank half of a really strong White Russian that made my mouth numb, but aside from that, I didn’t feel a thing. My dad had a tiny bit of thirty-year-old scotch. Johnny insisted, since he was buying, but then this guy William showed up and offered to pay for Johnny’s first round, including us.
The next day, I just lolled around with my doggies watching telly and reading Ella Enchanted, which I had started at about 3am that morning, and resumed around 3pm. I helped Jeanine learn to use the computer. She honestly did not know where to type the URL’s…and once while we were waiting outside for Momma, she started asking about meeting Johnny, and told me to stay away from him. Pth on her. Mommy and Jeanine took me to Hamburger Hamlet for lunchy-dinner. Jeanine feigned interest in my plights for almost ten minutes before the subject degenerated into old-people sex and I had to start reading again.
I came home feeling drowsy and lightheaded and twilighty, and Y? came in to say Sarah and Lauren were coming over. Sarah came over first and we went to KFC and then we came back, met Lauren who’s sick, poor baby, and we watched Six Feet Under as we ate. I don’t like the show a ton, but Sarah and Lauren need a housemember to validate their being there.
They went home, I finished the book, and now here I am
Oh! Friday, this girl asked me to help her put a site together. I tried to teach her HTML since I DON’T do Dreamweaver, and I got her kinda set up with a cool Javascript for a slideshow. We couldn’t do a whole lot because she wanted to upload a bunch of pictures and couldn’t find a large enough grip of free webspace. Then I had to go to laptop. Lisa has joined a netring, and it inspired me to make one. I made the skeleton of the site during the solitary hour in laptop, including the graphics. I finished a lot more tonight. I just need to find a cool enough remote-server forum, since Im just building up unused Geocities space.
ANYWAY, I should sleep…or study…or…um…work on one of my sites or novels more…
My mom and dad doubt that I have any future, I think. I want to be a writer but cant get into the writing classes at UCLA. I really think my major would be helpful to my writing, and I think I could do other stuff as well with a Masters or PhD, but they want concrete plans, and being a bestselling author doesnt qualify. And all of this came out of my wanting to move into Sarah’s crib.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Spiderman — why wasn’t it in the movie?!!!
- A Very Merry Unbirthday from Disney’s Alice in Wonderland
once and future
2002-05-08-5:44 p.m.
OK, I’ve been Angel‘d. I’ve been Buffy‘d twice. Im content.
Angel was cool. Monday was a very nice day alltogether. I woke up at three and mostly worked on random stuff until Angel came on. I didn’t even eat until five, and then I had a HUGE HUGE roast beast sammich. MMM.
Anyway, Conner rocks. Cordy and Groo need to run off to Pylea or something. I know Holtz was just supposed to be old, but he kinda looked like Sahjahn in the last shot. Connor is still a hottie. On ESPN, I watched a National Karate Championship, and I was thinking how those kids are gonna have such awesome careers later. I wanna be a rock star.
I kept wanting Angel and Holtz to both burst through the motel door with swords drawn and see Connor and Sunny together, first day out and both of them say at the same time “That’s my BOY!” Hehe. It would have amused me. Ah well. For some reason, it didn’t feel like an hour show. I didnt feel like they got anything DONE really.
I watched Buffy once last night and once this afternoon, to help me relax before work. My shift is 4-11 today, and my class let out at 2. *pout* Anyway. BUFFY WAS AWESOME! There hasnt been an episode this good in a LONG time! Xander has lost weight too. He looks like he did before, all young and sweet, and loyal. And Anya’s lines were ocnfined to an easily fast-forwardable scene. Yay!
Double yay because Tara’s dead. She has an awesome voice, and she looks damn good in a black boustier (uhh…winamp skin..), but she ALWAYS bugged me, she always was either a kicked puppy or way too motherly for my tastes, but mostly it was the kicked puppy thing. No woman should act like that. But she IS contracted for next season. We have a pool. Ghost is leading, but whenever people come back in that show as not-zombies, its in flashbacks or dreams, never ghosts. I don’t remember even seeing ghosts (not poltergeists) in Buffy ever.
Andrew is all cuuuuuuuuuuuute. I want to cuddle his little evil self. I like Johnathan too and hope he gets redeemed next season. He may have had a hand in it, but he’s NEVER taken pleasure in the death of others, as Warren and Andrew obviously do. Warren has ISSUES. He’s all cute and badass in that uber-geeky Jew-boy fast-talking bad-dressing way of his. He’s like…the culmination of thirty years of mysoginistic geek culture. Think about it…women are nothing but objectified in most of the stuff the Troika watch. If they do have any strength, its a weakass kind of strength, and the male heroes still have to rescue or beat them in the end. I think the ONLY exception to this in their whole repetoir is Xena, and…um. Yeah. I need to read over the transcript where Katrina dies…I want to see if there were any previous Andrew indications…umm…
ANDREW: We can really have anyone we want.
JONATHAN: It’s like candy.
ANDREW: Juicy, pulsating candy.ANDREW: No! The redhead! I want the redhead!
ANDREW: Oh, she’s kinda cute — (Jonathan tightens his hold) Ow! (looking up at the screen) Oh, no, go for the leather skirt!
ANDREW: Oh, bazoombas!
Cut back to the restaurant. Warren checks out the cleavage as the girl walks past him.
ANDREW: (over earpiece) Go for the one with the bazoombas!
JONATHAN: (over earpiece) Yeah, go for the one with the bazoombas.Warren continues looking at Katrina. In the earpiece, the other two begin chanting “Bazoomba, bazoomba.”
Hmm…ok. *giggles happily* Yeah! So anyway. Maybe Clem will join the Scoobies now. No Spike, no Anya, no Willow, no Tara…just Buffy and Dawn now.
Anyway, last night I went to this Indian place with Sarah, Y?, Kari and her boyfriend Doug. It was okie doke. When I got home I FINALLY made a semi-decent collage of my Taeyle family on Furc. Now I just need to find some space to put up a little site. I think I still have some Geocities space left SOMEWHERE. Im all about making really simple sites right now, even if that means templates. All my sites look really juvenile. I need a symbol for Katism to base a faded black wallpaper off of, and I want to find that script that embeds other webpages into a page. Its all nifty and makes things look cleaner. Im fine if this site never looks really professional. A journal should look like YOU.
Last night Y? and I caught East Meets West. Y? always swears that his parents must have disowned him for selling out Chinese culture like that. But last night he had his mom guest. They made potstickers and dumplings and Y? and this other Asian girl who was watching with us said they did everything 100% correct. His mom did kinda get quiet when Ming Tsai told his viewers they could cheat about rolling out and shaping the dough, though.
I bought Tim’s overnight shift for next Monday night. He’s paying me an extra 20 to take it, on top of which he’s promised to make me dinner. Hehe.
I gave Dongbin the rest of my nai wong bao and durian fruit. She made some immediately and they WERENT BURNED! Oh so THAT’S how they’re supposed to be. Aiya.
Rob came in without a beard!!! He went to get a haircut and shaved his beard too! Yay!!!! *dances around* Damn, I hate facial hair. I think Karen C. thinks Im a twip now because I was all excited when I saw him.
I really don’t have any songs stuck in my head today. My Psych T.A. is a twip, but I think she’s trying to be nice about stuff.
OK, I just called my lab partner, Ken. He’s really smart, so Im not too harsh with him. I need his brain. My grade depends on it. He didn’t show up to class today, so I got stuck with something that was weeeeeeak, and Franny let/made me redo it, so I did, but we’re still gonna get nicked for it.
Anyway. Yeah. Oh, and I’ve been emailing with Lydia again. She’s going to Boston. Dude, I don’t think Im ever gonna see her again. I don’t think Im ever getting out of California again either. The world is conspiring to keep me here. Of course, Im also being lazy about applying to Leeds, but I dont think now is the right time to go, exactly. I’ll try for next next Fall. Or even sooner if I go through the other place. I’ll go.
three a.m., i must be lonely
2002-05-09-3:06 a.m.
OK, I was just looking over my major’s requirements, and did some math and IF everything was offered when it was supposed ot be, and IF I never wanted to see the light of day next year and IF I didn’t work, I could actually graduate in four years. Which means graduating in five should be no problem. Which means that I might actually be able to do my fifth year’s winter/spring quarters in England. And still maybe study Ab Psych a little. AND…well, it would just be cool. I wish I was a better student. I wonder if a thesis is required for my major.
I dislike Usher muchly and P. Diddy muchlier, but there is something sweet and good about “I Want a Girl”. I can’t find the lyrics online though…Im not sure Im allowed to like it so much. I know P. Diddy’s not exactly a role model for the black community.
(To the tune of “I Want a Girl”)
I want a boy who’s all mine
Or a girl who’ll always shine
Just someone to call my own
Mate of mine in soul and bone.
I want a love to make me think
Always push my life to the brink
I want someone so we can fly
I want a love who’s always shy…
OK, not perfect, I’ll grant you, but come on, its 3 in the morning.
I’ve been watching Howard Stern a lot lately. He’s much more palateable now, I think. He gave 5 of his guy friends a month on the Bally’s Challenge, and saw how much weight they all lost. It really made a difference in some of them. One of them got an enema and two of them (one being enema guy) shaved off all the hair they could reach. The winner, Gary, forever aka EnemaGuy to me now, lost 19.09% of his total weight, but the excercises they showed them doing seemed unsafe and stupid. But still, they did all look better for it, except Artie who looks VERY familiar.
Howard Stern has this deep-seated appreciation of the female form that I find fascinating. Beneath the misogynism, he’s reverent of women. Y? finds it hard to believe he’s married, but the more I watch, the more I know the type of woman that could stomach him. How sick is it that Im blogging this? Anyway, he’s introduced me to Kelly Hu and reintroduced me to Chynna Phillips. How hard must it have been for Mackenzie Phillips to grow up next to her half-sister? Mackenzie is awesome, and has a great voice, but she’s had such a hard run of things until recently…Maybe I have it wrong though. Maybe Chynna and Mackenzie hardly know each other…Mackenzie is nine years older than Chynna.
Anyway. Yeah. I’m never going to be pregnant. Not even on accident. Not even for a short while. Never.
burning alive
2002-05-10-6:15 p.m.
I cannot think properly right now. My head feels all warm. Rob is closing YRL and then he’ll come and begone. Caron did her presentation today, so she’s DONE. She all but has her terminal Masters in Information Science. She and Y? are going out to eat and shop. They may take the new girl.
The New Girl is going to move into my room tonight. Y? and I were watching telly and we thought we heard the piano, so we turned off the telly and went into the living room and one of the asian girls was playing. Sitting next to her was the New Girl. She studies French and writes songs and sings. She’s very Christian…I think Catholic, actually. She has serious aspirations of being a singer. And when she heard I play bass, it was all over. She wants to move in tonight into OUR room. Caron might have to clear off the bed. She’s very enthusiastic and good. Im just terrified what will happen when she learns her new roommate is…well, me. Athiest. Bi. Hellbent. She seems to think some of my deviltry is funny so far. Y? doesnt like her and I KNEW it was going to happen. New Girl is very touchy…not huggy, just, hitting your arm lightly and what not when she’s joking. And she didn’t get it when Y? started to freak out.
I also dont know what’s going to happen with the racial stuff. I’ve heard tell that there are people who don’t call each other “ricer”, “slut”, “cracker”, “fob”, and whatnot, but Im not inclined to believe that.
I’m going to go home on Sunday real quick for Mother’s Day dinner. My daddy is leaving today to go to Pittsburgh for Uncle Bill’s birthday. Finally, someone in our household will meet Tong Yan. I wonder if my daddy will be around in time for Johnny’s first regular show at Tangiers, or if I shall have to find a way to go by myself.
I need better clubbing/bar clothes. I have my pretty skirt, but I always lose it. I need knee-high lace-up boots, and some cuter tops. And more bras. Between leaving a pen in the washer and dryer and putting them in the dryer at all, I’ve trashed a few bras to unuseability.
On blogger.com, they define “blog” as a short entry. Mine are NEVER short. I only speak when I have something to say, I guess, but then I have a LOT to say. New girl wants to do Karaoke. Some day, maybe.
I sent in my application for CSz, but I missed the earlybird deadline .
My cheeks are burning, my forehead is burning. The New Girl said my face looked red. She keeps messed up hours, which is good. I just hope she’ll understand the 9am call(s).
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- I Wish You Well by Josie and the Pussycats
- Preacher Man by Aretha Franklin
- Somebody to Love by Queen
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