The basics
2001-10-17-1:42 a.m.
OK, its really freaking early in the morning, and I dont know if this is going to make any sense, but I just found out about this place, and Im giving it a whack.
My name is Kat. I am an autotheist. If you wanna know what that means, go here. I’m really hardcore on the outside, but I have a lot to bitch about. I’ve never been good at keeping a journal, but I figure now is as good a time as any, and heck, why not share it with the universe?
Lets see, where am I right now? I’m at work. I work in the computer lab at UCLA, where I go to school. Currently, I have one boot, sock, and ACE bandage off, because the bandage hurts. I have a badly sprained ankle, but its getting better.
I’m really tired. Yesterday…well, technically yesterday, though also partially day before yesterday too, Chris and Anna came over, and didnt leave till nearly 2 am.
Chris is the guy I love. My housemate, Rachel brought him into the house. The first time I met him, we talked for over 5 hours. He’s really funny and gorgeous. Im funny, but not gorgeous, and Im more paranoid over him than I’d like to admit. He likes to talk to me, but he’s the sort of guy who talks with girls really well, so I don’t think Im special, except that I love him.
Anna is this girl in my Phonetics class. I actually met her for the first time last year when me, John (I’ll get to John in a second), and Caron were waiting for a bus outside Borders last year. Anna and I both thought we knew each other, but we didn’t. Last year we had a history class together, but we never really talked much. This year we are almost best friends. She’s totally sick and funny and dependable.
So ANYWAY, Chris and Anna came over for various reasons, and the three of us had an awesome chat session. We keep each other laughing. It turns out, Chris and Anna live in buildings next to each other, so Chris walked Anna home. I thought that if Chris likes me, he LOVES Anna, who’s smarter and cuter than me. It apparently crossed Anna’s mind too because yesterday morning she assured me over and over again she had no interest in him. Im so greatful to her and her intuition. I would have hated to bring it up.
She came over again today, and I confessed that most of my paranoia came from the fact that I was convinced that if they hooked up, it would be karmatic, because I slept with John Sunday night.
John is now my ex-boyfriend. We love each other, but I cant stand him and he cant stand himself. He lives far away, but comes out for my birthday and suchlike, and I went to visit him once too. He’s my first, blah blah blah. My birthday was Sunday and our physical relationship lasted exactly a year (happy birthday to me!).
Anyway, Anna was neither shocked nor horrified that I had slept with John, and she seems to understand how insecure I am, and how little a fight I will put up if Chris chooses someone else over me.
Part of it is, I believe everyone should be free to make their own decisions. I hate when girls scheme to get a guy who doesnt want them. I hate the mentality that guys cant possibly know what’s best for them. It’s so petty and stupid.
OK, so John and I had “really really official this-time-we-mean-it break-up sex”, and if Chris and I hook up, I shall never again be tempted to stray. Can you stray from one who doesnt quite own you yet? *sigh* I’ve already written a poem for him. It took me nearly a year to write one for John.
I’ve only got 14 more minutes to work, then I can hobble home and sleep. I dont have class till really late tomorrow, so Im going to shower and do my phonetics homework and catch up on my Cog Psy reading and notes. Who am I kidding? I’m going to play Daria’s Inferno till I drop.
One of my housemates, Yiloc (of Yiloc Say… fame), gave me this game which rocks hard. I love MTV’s Daria. I think I am Daria, only without the fashion sense or well-behaved hair. OK, now that Ive set this up, Im going to link it to my websites and try to keep it relatively updated.
Addendum of basics
2001-10-17-1:53 a.m.
OK, I forgot to tell you something that is also kind of important to who I am right now. My best friend in the house is Lydia. She’s a singer. She’s totally great, but she rubs people the wrong way. When we go shopping she lets me pick out clothes for her to try on. I cant fit into the clothes in most stores.
Anyway, Lydia went home to New Mexico to see her family and doggy and love interest, and she’s supposed to have come back days ago, but no ones heard ANYTHING from her yet. She was to drive back, which will be great, because none of our friends left in the house this year drive, but I dont know where she is!
I need to talk to her about Chris and everything. But the problem is, I know she doesnt see me as a girly best friend, and her real best friend is in New Mexico. Also, if I tell her about Anna, Im afraid she’ll resent it. Lydia’s not really a jealous person, but sometimes we’re all each other has.
Anyway, me and Lauren have a date to go dorm-food hopping, and Anna and I have a date to get Matzah Ball Soup at Jerry’s. Anna and I also have plans to go to Zankou chicken at some point for their garlic spread. We’re going to be food whores as soon as we figure out transportation.
The morning after…
2001-10-17-10:22 a.m.
OK, just before I start my day, I wanted to do this so I can try to make it a habit.
Its a little hard for me to get to my upstairs room, especially at night, so I’ve been sleeping on a couch since I sprained my ankle. I love that couch.
Anyway, I missed Caron, my roommate, leaving this morning. Caron has been awesome in taking care of me while Ive been down and out.
Around my heel, the skin is completely black, except where its reddish or blue.
I called Lydia’s voicemail today and left a third message since she left. I hope she calls back at some point. Or maybe I dont. I need to charge my cell phone and she never seems to think of calling my ground line.
Oh, Yiloc told me to stop using her name, so Im just going to refer to her as “Y?” from now on, which is funny if youre me. Or if you ever used to watch The Adventures of Pete and Pete on Nickelodeon. The only cartoon I like on Nick now is Rocket Power and sometimes Rugrats, but I have to be in the mood, you know?
Im going to call Chris today after class. Or maybe Anna and I will go to Jerry’s. Or maybe I’ll just do my Phonetics homework, take a bus to my parents’ house, and crawl under my bed with my puppy.
My puppy’s name is Israi and she turned two years old on September 9. She’s like my daughter. I feel bad we’re bonded so much though because she’ll starve herself if I dont come home from school often enough. I was away for nearly 3 weeks this summer, and when I came back, I didnt even recognize her! She also wont go outside when she’s told to if Im away for too long. I guess I could look at it as a guarantee my mom wont move without telling me, though.
My mom is a whole nother entry for a whole nother day. I really have to be in the mood to talk about my parents, even to my diary apparently. Plus I have to go shower and pick up my backpack. I left it at work this morning because it was 2 am and because I of course didnt study like I told myself I was going to.
OK, that’s all I can think of for now! Ta!
a regular day in my neighborhood
2001-10-17-9:59 p.m.
Hello, devoted readers! Actually, there apparently arent any yet. I doubt anyone has actually seen these yet, except for my friend Chris who is NOT the Chris I mentioned before.
I took a nap today and when I woke up, the house was empty! The downstairs was completely dark. I thought there had been an anthrax scare or something. Usually you cant get the girls in my house out on a weeknight. It was weird, but within an hour, girls started showing up again.
I called Chris but he wasnt there, and Anna, but she’s sickly. Y? was in her room after all, but I didnt find her until I had eaten something to make myself sick: tiramisu and salisbury steak! I also had a piece of slightly-stale sourdough bread to spread the mashed potatoes and corn that come with the salisbury steak on. Blah!
OK, I finally got around to doing my Phonetics homework and it wasnt nearly as bad as I had thought. Now I just have to make sense out of my Cognitive Science stuff and everything is easy like cheese!
Ugh, my Comparative Literature T.A. will NOT give me a break. This guy William and I are far and away the best students in the class, but I get totally shafted on the in-class quizzes, plus she’s constantly telling Will and I to give the others a chance. I dont think the others WANT a chance. If they did, they’d jump in voluntarily, instead of Jennifer having to drag it out of them with pliers!
Oh! and I got a package from Lydia today, dated 2 days before my birthday. She sent me Offspring’s Pretty Fly for a White Guy and a No Doubt CD! The card was cool, but she didnt mention why she might be a half a week late coming back. I wonder if she will. The card says I should email her…
I hate email. I really truly do. I like instant correspondences (ICQ, baby! Wut wut!) Its such a PAIN to check your email enough to ensure your responses arent obnoxiously late.
Oh, and I d/l’s a UHF module for Daria’s Inferno but there werent any supercool easy ways to get around the steam room. Maybe I should take out an advert for a girl to get my games through that level so I can continue. It’s obnoxious to be stuck on the same level in every single game I have.
OK, Im gonna email Lydia now and then do some Cog Psy reading/notetaking. The guy on the computer next to me (Im in CLICC, even off the clock I live here) is looking at some cool gaming and vid sites. Wish I had a bigger interest in that stuff. Its pretty, but usually boring.
Oh, and my friend Chris (again, not the Chris on whom I dote), says I should add in some chick-on-chick action to make this thing more interesting, but if he cant find something interesting about a house full of college age lonely-yet-nubile girls, he’s probably a eunuch.
Hmm, here’s an idea: every day, Im going to try to put up the song(s) that is/are MOST stuck in my head. OK, so here goes:
Song(s) in my head today:
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nooner
2001-10-18-12:45 p.m.
Not much to say right now. Im kinda spacey. I have Cog Psy, and am going to talk to Prof. Stevens afterwards. He’s really cute. Gives me hope for finding someone worthwhile in my field if Chris and I dont hook up.
OK, but here’s the songs:
Song(s) in my head today:
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quickie
2001-10-18-6:47 p.m.
OK, so I went to Prof. Stevens’ office hours and I feel a little better about the whole thing. Right now me and Art are hanging out in the laptop pod of CLICC. Art is going to have been in here for 10 hours. That’s nutsness!
Blah blah blah. Anna wont be at discussion tomorrow cause she’s leaving to go home tomorrow for the weekend. I’ve gotta be vigilant and take good notes for her. Darn. I wont really have time to socialize though anyway because I work most of Saturday and want to go home on Sunday, too. So I can do mass quantities of laundry.
I feel a little slummy cause Art is doing all the work, but not TOO slummy.
I should bring my bass from home this weekend. Oh, I play electric bass. Badly. Im still learning, but my teacher is a little flaky, so I want to teach myself. I’ve bought all the necessities, but have been a little remiss on the actual application end of things. I have a blonde peavey that I havent named yet, but it has a cool cheshire cat sticker on it that my sister gave me. I have a great strap too. I totally have the look down. Now I just need to learn to play it.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Smile by Vitamin C
dream a little dream of me…
2001-10-19-10:13 a.m.
Last night was interesting. I was starving because I’m totally out of food. I finally found my wallet with my ATM card and Bruin ID card, so I had a ways and means to get it. Jen was there when I got home and she invited me and Y? over to her apartment for pb&j’s which were really good. She had this funky kind of bread that she toasted a little before smearing pb& grape j mixture on it.
It was all for the best, because when I shop hungry I make really stupid descisions. But ANYWAY, I talked Y? into going with me on campus to an ATM and then to go shopping at Ralph’s, but when we got to the campus corner, Y? took off home with nary a word to anyone. I was really confused, and incredibly abandoned, so I hobbled around campus on my own looking for a functioning ATM. I finally found one, but by then didnt have the energy to actually lug groceries home, so I took the evening van into Westwood and grabbed dinner at Headliners!.
I dont know why I keep ordering cheesburgers. I hate cheese. But I also hate dry burgers. I hate pickles, onions, lettuce, and tomato slices on burgers too. Mostly I just want really good meat with catsup and mayo to dip it in. Have I mentioned Chris is a vegetarian? OK, now I feel slummy.
So anyway, I took a bus home and found Y? and asked her why she ditched me and she just said “I thought you were right behind me,” which Im not sure if I believe or not since she really hauled ass home, and she knows I can only hobble really really slowly still. I think she was embarrassed by Jen and her b/f making out in the middle of the street and didn’t bother to convey that to me.
Blah so anyway, after I got home and was all curled up on my couch downstairs, I called Chris, partly out of boredom and partly out of REALLY wanting to hear his voice. We talked for maybe an hour…I didn’t keep track…and then he got a call on the other line for his roommate. He told me he’d call me back, and I made him promise to, but he didn’t anyway. I kept falling asleep and waking up waiting for him to call. I even dreamed he called a few times. How sad is that, to dream about phone conversations?
Anyway, maybe he’ll call tonight, and maybe I’ll make him feel really really guilty…or maybe I’ll suggest we grab dinner. I dont know what we could grab, though. There isnt a ton of veggie fare in Westwood, and I really dont want to eat meat in front of him. I don’t care one way or the other about my omnivory, and I like veggies just as much as meat sometimes, but I really dont want to give him something to pick at mentally about me. He’s already got my height, weight, and face to contend with.
Anyway, before we hung up last night, Chris was going on about how girls see him as a gay guy friend. Someone safe, someone they’ll never have to worry about sleeping with. Someone they’ll never want to have sex with. I wanted to jump in with something like “Shows how much YOU know!” but then either I would hang up, following through on the whole childish tantrum thing, or he would, having had the shizz scared from him. Good thing I didn’t then. We mostly talked about Anne Rice, the hypocrite of the feminist and fantasy writing universes.
I don’t know why I’m inspired to talk about my hair right now. It’s short and darkish punk red. It was blood red when I did it, and I might touch it up before Halloween. I love color so much. It ticks my mom off, I think. She keeps asking me when I’ll go back to the blackish brown that is my natural color. I tell her when I’m 25, but I harbor fantasies of sitting on a judge’s bench one day with green and teal dread locks.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show
test entry
2001-10-19-10:51 a.m.
OK, Im trying to figure out the web-log style thing. I got an email from Lydia yesterday that said she may never come back to California. Ugh.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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blah blah blah monkeys!
2001-10-19-6:57 p.m.
Hmm, I tried to use the members’ chat for diaryland, but it plays merry hell on my computer apparently. I cant even log on now, because I had to artificially terminate my session, and it says Im still logged in. Too bad, I was meeting some really nice people.
I realized that that chat is probably the only chat int he universe where the chatters wont try to hook up with you, because when they want to find out about you, they just read you diary and will know the score. My world had gone topsy-turvy!
I pretended to stalk Chris today. I went into the library he works in. The problem is, he works in the biggest library in the universe short of Library of Congress itself, and I had no way of knowing where he was, short of actually asking for help, and I can hardly ask one of his co-workers, now can I? They’d tell him, and then he’d get freaked out and run away.
So I checked out a laptop, and failed entirely to make it work properly, thereby shaming myself, my family, and all of CLICC. I think something was wrong with the ethernet cable. Or the laptop itself. It took a BLOODY long time to load up, which may or may not be Jacob’s (the guy in charge of making new versions of drives for our computers) fault.
Anyway, when I got home from class today, Y? was sleeping. We were supposed to have gone shopping together today. I NEED groceries. Badly. But I decided to let her be nice and sleep, and lay down for a nap myself, but now that I’ve woken up, she’s nowhere to be found! Argh! Im starving, and don’t want to waste nearly 20 bucks on ordering.
I really really wish Chris would call. Maybe he HAS called, and cant get through because Im online. Damn me.
Oh, before the whole chat fiasco happened, some people said that they have two diaries. I was horrified, because what the hell can you do with TWO diaries? Unless you had MPD or something. But they said that they write diaries for their alter egos. So Im thinking of starting one for one of my novel characters, Li. It might help me pound out a plot. I write better in increments anyway sometimes.
Oh, Y? just walked in! We’re going shopping! Quickly! to the songs!
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen!!!
whirling dervish of worry
2001-10-20-12:52 a.m.
I met some really nice people in the chat.
Chris and I talked for maybe five minutes today. He might come over tomorrow night, if I can put off coming home until Sunday morning…of course, if life was like it was supposed to be, I’d wake up at his place Sunday morning.
I wish I knew if he likes me like THAT. If I know a guy loves me, I dont think I would get jealous. When I know Im loved, I can turn downright stupid.
Now I’m going to torture myself with another worry: protection. I have an oral contreceptive, but I hate condoms. I think theyre a great idea and everything, but they slow things down, and theyre just WEIRD to me. Im not going to insist that a partner NOT use them, but nor will I stop things if he doesnt. Did that make sense?
To hear Chris talk, one might think he is a virgin. Actually, he’s never said whether he is or not now that I think of it. I dont know if I can deal with the guilt of taking two guys’ virginities. Of course, the first guy took mine right back…
Of course, if Chris really doesnt want me, all this is moot. There’s so many reasons this could all go to hell. My newest fear is if he does like me, it may just be because he thinks he’ll never do better. I’d hate to think that someone is settling for ME.
This is all juvenile. Rachel is in San Diego. I can send Yiloc away for a while. Barring any huge hormonal disasters on any of my other friends’ parts, this might actually be the first time we’ve been alone since the first night we met. We always talk openly and intensely, but rarely interpersonally.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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prosletyzing
2001-10-20-10:27 a.m.
I’m mesmerized by the amount of types of layouts that exist on this site. I wish I had the energy to come up with a really kickin one. Im half tempted to swipe one for my regular sites. The only problem is that there is a block on the source codes, so I’d have to do a lot of guesswork. Meh. Too lazy.
I called my dad this morning and he said he’d pick me up tomorrow morning as opposed to tonight. Yay! I can hang out with Chris!
Of course, I do want to go home. I miss my puppy, and my sister is cool sometimes, too. Plus I have a BUNKLOAD of laundry to do, and don’t wanna pay for it. Hmm, maybe I should call my sister and ask her to do the laundry I have at the house, so I have a head start! Or maybe not. I have a bad habit of wearing jeans and stuff several days in a row when I have no where to go. Things could get pretty rank, and I dont know if I can afford my sister anymore. It’s been years since 5 bucks was a small fortune for her.
My sister’s name is Toby, which Im saying for no other reason than to save myself typing. Yes, Toby is usually a boy’s name, but she was actually named after our great aunt. And anyway, isnt that the trend these days? To give girls “boy” names? Not that I believe in the idea of gender names, although I would sorely love to see a girl named Bob. I loved Titan A.E.
Anyway, Toby sometimes tells her friends her name is Tai, but not as often as she could. I thought she’d insist on being Tai 24/7 once she got into high school, but I think I finally impressed upon her my own apathy about gender-specific names.
Toby is pretty cool. She and I have a lot to bond over/against. No, I still dont feel like talking about our parents.
I have this thing about charitable works. I want them to exist. People are always shocked when I tell them a big part of Katism is charity. I ask my followers to donate time/money especially on the Katist holidays. Of course, I still need to compile a list of charities I believe in. So far, I’ve only thought up categories, really:
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Song(s) most stuck in my head today: |
firends and lovers
2001-10-20-3:10 p.m.
I think Im only doing this because I have songs in my head. I’m at work now. Woo. Go me. Im spinning off all sorts of sick little fantasies about what might happen tonight. More than likely it will be what usually happens: he comes, we talk until ungodly hours, he leaves. Everyone I talk to says I should just hit on him…well, ok, they say I should grab his ass and kiss him, which…uh…yeah, I wont be doing thankyousoverymuch.
So what happens if I tell him I like him tonight, and he runs away? I mean…he cant possibly be that mean to literally run out of the house, but guys are plenty hypocritical when it comes to “little sibling syndrome” or LSS, as we afflicted call it. Anyway, I could get the stammering and uncomfortable speech about how we’re just “good friends” that I’m all too familiar with.
And if he does react negatively…I’d hate to think I can handle it. I’m good at just glossing over friendships if they start to negatively affect me. I think if I do that with Chris, I may never be a real human being anymore.
I think it started with Juliana, my best friend since 2nd grade until the summer after 12th. Of course, we really stopped being friends before that. She would change what room she ate lunch in without bothering to tell me. She stopped going out of her way to be nice to me. She started wearing makeup and hanging out with girls that were downright abusive to me. The most hurtful thing she did during high school was the slam book thing.
This girl, Nancy, who was queen bitch at our school, started a slam book for all the evil reasons one does. Everyone had a chance to read and write in it, including Juliana, excepting me. I begged Juliana to let me see it when it was in her possession, harboring all of the horrible paranoias that a teenager does, but she refused. I think she was afraid I would recognize her writing. In moments of desperation, I asked Nancy to let me see it, too, but of course she always found ways around that circumstance.
But the worst thing by far was during our senior trip to Europe. Actually, it WAS our senior trip to Europe. The whole thing sucked. We went to Paris first, and on the very first day, it was made clear I was merely a tertiary part of the group. I was told to stay with a girl I barely knew who kept wandering away, like we were five, and there was no objection on Juliana’s part. It turned out Jessica was pretty cool, so I didn’t sweat it out too much until we got to London.
The first night there, I was sick, so I had to stay in the room while everyone else went out to the pub. The next night however, I really really wanted to go, but the only person who wanted to go with me was Jess. I had to wrangle Juliana and Pollyanna to go with us. We sat at the outside tables, but at some point I went in to get a drink. While I was waiting (and waiting and WAITING) for my drink, I started talking to these guys. Jess came in to see what was keeping me (I STILL didnt have my drink). She started talking to them, too. They were three marines, very jovial, and very drunk. It was all OK until I looked up and saw that Pollyanna and Juliana had LEFT without saying so much as a word to me and Jess. Even I, so young in the world, knew that it is wrong to leave your friends, two high school girls, with THREE REALLY BIG FUCKING MARINES! When we extricated ourselves from them hours later, I went back to the hotel, fully intent on giving her a piece of my mind, but she was in bed, pretending to be asleep. And the kicker was that Pollyanna cussed me out on her behalf!
Pollyanna was named for her temperament. Her being indignant is like G.W. Bush being smart.
So fine, but the next night, Jess and I were walking back to the hotel, when this guy started walking behind us. He was also a marine, so I turned around and teased “what’s with you british marine guys stalking us american girls?” While the poor guy was trying to come up with an answer, Polly and Juliana came out of a store we were passing. Juliana didnt say a word but Polly said something to the effect of: “Geez, I GUESS, Kat!”. I yelled after them “Some people are so fucking JUDGEMENTAL!”, by which time the poor marine had ducked into a shop. But even this was not the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
See, Juliana and I share a passion for this British author, Terry Pratchett. Until recently, it was damn near impossible to find certain volumes and certain versions of volumes in the States. When we went to London, our big thing was that we were to buy up all the Pratchett we could stuff in our suitcases.
When at last our free day drew nigh, I asked our tour guide where a good bookstore was. He told me, and I turned to Juliana expectantly. “Oh, I’m going to do that with my aunt after you leave,” she told me. I was crushed beyond all belief. Even moreso when I found out later from said aunt that Juliana had ditched me to hang out with a guy who she didn’t even end up hanging out with.
So that was it, I ended the relationship and havent really spoken to her since. And I’ve done it on several different occasions since, too. I dont like that I can do that.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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good morning
2001-10-21-4:01 p.m.
Hmm, I’m at my parents’ house today, doing laundry and trying not to talk to anyone. I waited for Chris to call forever last night, but he didnt. I kept dozing off and waking up. Finally, I called him about 3 am this morning, and we talked for a couple hours.
I was so tired when my dad came to pick me up. My dad decided the area near my couch was too disgusting for words, so he started tidying up, all the while looking at me as if I were the antichrist of hospitality or something. So less than ten minutes into seeing each other for the first time in weeks, and my dad was picking fights.
Whatever. I cuddled with my puppy! Im all covered with fur.
Earlier, my mom took me and my sister shopping. Well, ok. We went to a Walgreen’s to buy tape and stuff for my ankle so I don’t have to wear the bulky ACE bandage anymore under my boot. I also got shampoo and conditioner and chicken sticks!!! You remember those baby food chicken sticks you loved when you were a kid? I still love ‘em! Theyre a great snack. Y? won’t let me buy them when Im with her. For someone who doesnt like people on a social level, she sure is self-conscious about how people see her because of the people she hangs out with.
My dad and my mom have both noticed I’ve lost weight since I sprained my ankle. Not that I don’t love disproving Suzanne Sommers, but it still kinda rips that I can’t eat any decent amount of food because of something that happened entirely on the other side of my body! Im so tired all the time. Im going to have to start taking multi-vitamins again.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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reality decieved
2001-10-22-7:35 p.m.
Ah, reality has set in. Yum. This morning as I was walking to class, Rachel caught up with me. Basically, she told me that Chris never mentions me around her, which that plus the fact that NOTHING has happened of any real note in the past couple weeks all add up to:
Chris doesn’t like Kat
So all day long, I’ve been in the ho-hum doldrums. I even wrote a song. I’ve only ever written one other song before, and it was basically on the same subject: me being wrong about a guy. I’m sensing a life theme here.
My favorite Buffy scene of all time is the one where Angel and Buffy kiss while he’s in vampire face, after she slits some assassin’s throat with her ice skate blade.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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update
2001-10-24-7:33 p.m.
Sorry I didnt write yesterday, I was thinking things over.
I’m in love with Christopher. I don’t know if I can get around that. I called him today, despite everything, and left him a really short message. I doubt he’ll call back. He never does.
Midterms are coming up soon. Damn.
I worked until 2 last night, and Im going to do it again tonight. Yayme. I bought tonight’s hours from this girl Julia who was desperate to get rid of them. She offered to buy me dinner. I bet she doesnt. Im not hungry anyway. I never am anymore.
I fell again today, this time in the middle of Royce Quad. I wasnt hurt to bad, but I definitely re-fucked-up my ankle, and bruised my right thigh, so stairclimbing hurts a LOT.
Daddy’s on AIM. He’s a chick. He finds all the best clothes for me when we go shopping together. He has a plaque from some women he recorded that says “Honorary Lesbian”. It’s so odd that he’s straight.
My sister got her first “little black dress” today, courtesy of my dad’s shopping taste. She’s only 14! Oy.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today (and yesterday!):
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love, lust, or lost cause?
2001-10-26-11:25 a.m.
Like a dumb dog, I keep coming back here.
Lauren and I went and picked up my stuff from Sarah’s last night after work. Its so completely weird how Sarah has no problem excluding me from her conversations. She does it to everyone when she’s talking to Lauren.
When Lauren dropped me off, Rachel and Christopher were coming out of the house to go into Westwood. I introduced Lauren and Christopher really quickly before Lauren took off. They were going to Lamonica’s N.Y. Pizza to study, and I begged to be allowed to come along, so I didnt have to hang with Y? another night.
They consented, I raced through the house, dropped my stuff off, grabbed my backpack, and we were off. The three of us talked easily while we were walking, and it even wasnt that bad at Lamonica’s. Christopher was really nervous about the German test he has today. I hope he will do alright. I have faith in him, if in no one else.
But for the most part, he didn’t give me a second glance, and I never got a chance to ask him if he got my message. I think I’m going to have to let that one go.
I’m going to have to let it all go. If he doesnt want me, I have no business trying to endear myself to him. And I realized last night I can never be “just friends” with him. I’m mesmerized by the way his lips form words when he’s proofreading a paper.
I must only call him Christopher now. He prefers Christopher, but thinks its too pretentious to introduce oneself with. I agree, but I also think people ought to be called what they want. I still dont see why my nametag at work doesnt say “Most Beauteous Princess of the Multiverse”. I think everyone ought to address me as such: “Hey, Most Beauteous Princess of the Multiverse, how’s tricks?” Hehehehe.
Anyway, the part of me that’s watched too many movies wants to confront him with my feelings, but I think that I would probably start to cry, and my mom says its not fair to cry in front of guys. They don’t know how to handle it (if you are one of those guys, here’s a hint: give her a quick, firm hug and a hanky, and then keep talking. Don’t falter or become apologetic. Sometimes crying is a tactic, other times is a stupid, irrational reaction that we cant always control, like wet dreams, only less fun).
The part of me that wants to be a melodramatic teeny-bopper wants to start avoiding him altogether, but the problem with avoiding someone is that they have to be AROUND to avoid them. Which would mean stalking him and acting surprised if he sees me, and running away quickly. Which is just STUPID.
I’ve had crushes before, but there’s always been some fatal flaw about the guy that conflicts with my personality enough for me to understand why it didnt work out. I DONT GET IT THIS TIME! Its driving me nuts! We agree on everything. We learn from each other. I’m not ugly anymore, just a overweight. He’s everything on my list of things a guy has to be! I don’t get what in my personality offends him so, and I hate to think this is because of my weight. He told me several times that he doesnt care about looks, but everyone says that, I guess.
Is the price of loving someone having to live without them if they don’t love you back? Or maybe it’s just going insane. I really feel like Im going nuts over something that’s happened to me a million times.
Maybe its not that I love Christopher more than I love other guys I’ve crushed on, but maybe this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m a better person than I used to be. I feel like I deserve someone. I feel abandoned by John, who was always my safe place, and I have no one to love me now.
Or maybe this is the final straw because I love him. If the guy I know Im supposed to be with doesnt look at me twice when we part ways, what hope is there for me ever?
But this is all selfish and stupid thinking.
Good luck on your test, Christopher. I know you did well.
Song(s) I have most stuck in my head today:
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ring around the diaries
2001-10-26-5:18 p.m.
I went on a diaryring joining spree today. It was interesting. A few applications are still pending. One of them, the barefoot ring, messed up my HTML for some reason, so I had to dismiss it. Aww. I really like being barefoot.
Believe it or not, I didn’t join EVERY ring that applied to me. The only pop culture ones I joined were for La Femme Nikita and Buffy. I should try to find a general music ring. Well, I found one, but I want to weigh my options.
So WHY did I clutter my layout with diaryrings that clash? It makes me feel like home!!! My room is sooo cluttered. I hate when my mom tries to throw things away.
I did join 2 bi rings. Im not sure if that’s ironic or just sad.
It turns out, Christopher did want Anna, and he stopped talking to her when she made it clear she had no romantic interest in her. Maybe he blames me for that. Anna’s going out with some guy tonight who sounds great for her.
Did I mention I’m programmed to work from 8pm to 2am on HALLOWE’EN?!! Suck! I actually was trying to make plans with either Anna or Lisa (a really cool girl at work), and then this. Im trying to get rid of the hours desperately. Otherwise, I’ll just be pathetic and show up in my costume.
Some of the webrings were arrogant, even if they were well-meaning. Statements like “Join me in the fight against racism!” are all well and good, but its a webring for DIARIES for sobbing out loud.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: There’s a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place) from Rocky Horror Picture Show
sarcasmic
2001-10-27-3:27 p.m.
Talked to Christopher last night, got hope. Talked to Rachel last night, got hope shot down. Went shopping, bought a little over 30 dollars worth for the whole week. I don’t think I will ever have a proper appetite again. Woowoo. Go me with my weight-losing self.
I use my own words. I say “aminal” instead of “animal”, I say “sarcasmic” instead of “sarcastic”. I don’t do it to be cute, I do it to be me. My friend Sarah says “ron-dez-voos” for rondesvous, and “fa-kade” for facade. I like her versions better, so I try to adopt them.
I wrote one of those letters that never are meant to be sent, but that always find themselves in the wrong hands. It basically apologizes to Christopher for making him uncomfortable in the house, and promises to keep away from him in the future. It sounds too puppy-doggish. Even if I didn’t mean it to, it would make him feel guilty and harsh, when he has nothing to feel guilty about and hasnt the capacity for harshness.
As Lauren would say: “Wah, wah, call the wah-mbulance.”
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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shortie
2001-10-27-5:31 p.m.
Woowoo. Work is almost over. I have to go to some guy’s apartment for a study session for Cog Psy. I havent finished my part yet.
I got accepted into my first diaryring that requires acceptance. I belong to Bite Me. Woo. OK, that was the entire point of this.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Closing Time by some really cool band
day by day
2001-10-29-7:27 p.m.
I think they’re avoiding me, and I’m pretty sure I only get along with William so well because he’s gay.
I saw Rachel and Chris hurrying down Jaans Steps today after my Com Lit midterm (1 down, 2 to go!). Rachel told me that Chris has insisted they used the steps. I think he saw me and was avoiding me. It’s too hard to miss me these days.
Arthur saw me today. He hasnt seen me in a while apparently, because he was blown away by the hair. I’m gonna have to redo it soon. Rachel says its fading. I wish I could find a permanent Blood Red color. Im sick of this redying shit.
I’ve been obnoxiously chipper today. I do that sometimes. Caron actually threatened my life again because I was exhorting the beauty of the morning. Hell, I wanted to slap me. I only partially do it to annoy people though. Sometimes I just feel like doing jumping jacks, but because of very real problems with gravity versus my cupsize, I have to settle for being annoyingly happy.
I’ve been noshing all day out of nervousness, and that pisses me off, because I was just starting to enjoy the weight loss. I fell again today, so maybe that will put my appetite back in check. I can’t believe I just typed that sentance.
Oh yeah!!! This guy Brad G. bought 2 of my hallowe’en hours!!! I can party till 10!!!! Go me!!! Go him!!! Im gonna have to bring him something pretty when I relieve him.
Ummmm…what else? I think that’s it. Lisa thinks I just called her cool because I know she reads my diary, but she gave me sugar today too, so that counts for SOMETHING. ;P
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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blush
2001-10-30-9:52 p.m.
Oh my Me, oh my Me!!!! I’m about to die of embarrassment.
I didn’t see Anna at our midterm today, and I called her twice over the course of the day to figure out why. She was feeling sick when she left the other day, and I kept having horrible visions of her, like, curled up on her bed, dying in pain or something!!!
So tonight, when we’re watching Roswell, I ask Rachel to call Christopher to go over and see if she’s alright (remember, they live next door to each other). So like five minutes later, he calls Rachel back and…um…yeah. Apparently his face was REALLY red.
I want to die. I offered to call Christopher back and apologize profusely, but Rachel told me she would do it. I’ll call Anna tomorrow afternoon and apologize to her and David.
Oh! Did I mention David? That boy Anna had a date with a few days ago, and apparently they’re totally great together! Im so jazzed one of us is getting some. I just wish I hadnt had to expose Christopher to it. I havent met him yet, but maybe tomorrow night, we’ll all do something really quick together before I have to go to work.
I want to go to bed. A lot. I work until 2am tonight. I only got 2 hours of sleep last night (well, ok, 6:45ish this morning). I took a nap after my last class today. Well, first I helped Lisa out with her Dreamweaver workshop. Well, OK again. I stapled all teh packets together and then goofed off on a computer and asked standard questions when there was a lull. It was fun. THEN I called Anna’s machine and took a nap until Buffy was on.
It was good, but I can’t wait for the Musical next week! I looooove Spike. He’s awesome, and he looks great in the trailer shots of him singing!
OK, I guess I should get to work now. Blah.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Theme from Diff’rent Strokes
flesh and blood
2001-10-31-12:56 a.m.
I can feel it happening. My heart is scabbing over the pain. I’m making myself not care about anyone or anything again. I’ve done it so many times before that its just habit now. I have to make myself not care. If I cared, I’d cut myself.
I’ve always had fantasies about cutting myself, but my aversion to actualy pain, and the prospect of future scars always kept me from it, even when I was seriously thinking about it. I told my mom once that I used to dream of suicide, and she told me I was trying to emotionally blackmail her. I told her it would have been blackmail if I had told her about it when I had wanted to do it. I love how my mom can make anything about her.
Y? tells me every day that I’m losing weight. Who do I have to lose it for? What good does it do me? I want to gain it all back, wrap myself up in my cellulite. Maybe its my protective layer. Its ok if people dont like me because I’m fat. Its horrible if people dont like me because they think Im a bad person. I cant force myself to eat though. I’ve lost all my taste for the cakes and oily bar food I used to relish. I miss onion rings, but Im disgusted at the thought of them.
My soul and flesh are being stripped away. Soon I will just be a walking skeleton. Hmm, maybe I can finally make it in Hollywood.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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en el dia de los muertos
2001-11-01-5:22 p.m.
OK, so all the drama between Christopher, Rachel, and myself is resolved. I’m back to just being obsessed. I can deal with THAT.
I dressed up all day yesterday. I finally decided that the title of my costume was “I’m Just A Ghoul”, cause…you know…the hair…and…yeah. I looked bad ass. I got hit on by two guys. Halloween is good for my ego. There was this guy Diego, from Napoli, Italy who’s 31 but looks 25. He was really nice and I gave him my number. Really, I just want to use him for my Phonetics term project. The other guy was Frank, an 18-year-old kid who works at El Pollo Loco.
I wanted to go to West Hollywood badly for the carnival/festival/parade/whathaveyou, but I thought I had to go to work at midnight still. When I got home, I checked and it turned out this guy Mike bought ALL the rest of my hours!!! By then I couldnt get to West Hollywood with any guarantee of getting back, though.
I went to 3rd Street Promenade for a little while with Diego, then went and visited Anna and her roommate Katy-bird for a little while. Then I came home and guess who was asleep on our couch? Yup? It was all weird for me, but by 2:30 am, he was gone and all was resolved so yay!
Yesterday morning I went to Anna’s apartment with chicken soup, 2 shakes, and in full costume to cheer her up. Poor baby has strep AND the flu. She had to get a Flu Shot AND a Penicillin Shot…in her tucchus!!! She couldnt even walk, the muscle was so sore. I blew off lecture, but I rushed to discussion. 
. My T.A. gave me candy, so good job for me!
Today Lydia finally came home, but she’s leaving early Saturday morning. We went to Farmer’s Market after class. I’m so pissed she’s leaving. And I’ve totally scheduled myself to do things this week, so I cant spend the time I do have with her. I hope things are different when/if she comes back in February.
I got this great note from Lisa, short but wonderful for my heart. I’m sorry if I scare people with my crap. I will never commit suicide, but that doesnt mean I dont think about it sometimes, a lot LOT less in the past 3 years.
OK, enough babbling. I have to go to work! I bought Brad B’s 2 evening hours because theyre usually mine and I LIKE stasis. Soooo…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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tangible tangents
2001-11-02-10:21 a.m.
I was really depressed last night. When I got home from work, Sarah and Lauren were here to see Lydia. We all talked until Saleema asked us to leave because we were being too loud and she had a midterm tomorrow. But of COURSE she couldn’t go to the library that’s open 24 hours, could she? Of course not. Her boyfriend, Charles, comes over almost EVERY day to study in the general vicinity of her. Hearing them speak to each other is the most pretentious thing in the entire world! I don’t get the part where he’s a musician. He doesnt look like he’s got any sort of looseness that comes with having jazz lines down your spine.
ANYWAY, I wanted to go to sleep on the couch and feel sorry for myself, but the others decided we should go for coffee. I dont even drink coffee, but they meant well, so I allowed myself to be led. The entire time in the Coffee Bean, I was quiet, didn’t take anything, and only spoke when spoken to. I was letting myself feel bad. I think it unnerves my friends to see me depressed. I dont TALK my problems to death like they do. I just get really quiet and really hurt.
While we were in there, though, this girl, Haddas nee Grace, came in, and we hugged and I chattered airily with her until she left. I think it made my friends suspiscious I was just being depressed to gain attention, but they WERENT paying attention to me anyway, plus I didnt want a 5th person feeling bad for me. Haddas is a really sweet girl. I was gay around her because I didnt want her trying to fix my problems. She has too much on her plate anyway.
I went to bed early. I sleep when Im depressed. I’ve told Y? this, and asked her not to let me do it, but she wasnt around last night.
I really need to get over him. It would be a lot easier if I could talk to him alone ever, face-to-face.
I think my Cog Sci prof is great. He’s a “cyber punk”. Like me, only he’s more into the pre-established culture. I love talking to him. If you go to UCLA, consider taking Psych 85 with Greg Stevens. The class sucks, but the prof rocks.
I cut/punctured my finger last night on a laptop battery right before I left work. Someone really nice helped me with the First Aid kit. I really wish I could learn names better. I keep calling people the wrong things, thanking them for the wrong deeds. 
My other main wierdness is I say random things to random people and scare them. Yesterday, I asked Jacob out of the blue if he liked the baby food chicken sticks. He looked scared, but I think Lisa was amused. Unless she was laughing to keep from running away quickly. She told me “You’re so random!” and she’s right. I am. It keeps people on their toes around me. I dont do it all the time though, and I always know in the back of my mind that Im being wierd. There’s just always so many things running through my mind, that sometimes the wrong things come out at the wrong times. Like they crash into each other and my mouth is the “reject” door.
Blah. Lydia wants me to help her drag some of her stuff to the post office on campus to ship it to herself, so she doesnt have to fight with airport security that much. I hear LAX is REALLY awful right now.
I really wanted to join that contest where you write a novel in a month, 50k words minimum. I hope they do it next year. I just COULDNT this year, though I considered it. I can write 10k words a day when I have a completely empty day. If I had lighter weekends, this wouldnt be a problem at all. I wonder how many words will be in my diary after a month!
Several people who I’ve told about Christopher says he is exhibiting asshole behavior, but I can’t imagine him being an asshole. He’s too kind. It’s just me he’s avoiding. I called last night and left a message, wanting to talk. I want to make sure we’re still alright. His roommate scares me sometimes. He has this really high voice, like the bad guy on “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” Do you remember that dance? I used to be good at it when I was, like, 10.
His roommate answered “City Mortuary: you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em!”, and I didnt recognize the voice, so I was like “Uh…I think I have the wrong number then.” As distinctive as the voice is, I ALWAYS think its a chick. ALWAYS. I can never remember. Then I hear his (I think his name is Peter, but again, Im disnomic) girlfriend laughing in the background, and he’s said “Well, who are you looking for?” and I replied “Christopher” and I hear her laugh, so he must have made a face at her to indicate the psycho stalker was on the line, and he said “Oh, Christopher is here! But…he’s not here…right now.”
Is that not shady? I realize that can be interpreted in a couple different ways, but in my depressed state I decided that Chris was there shaking his head violently. And the fact he never called back didn’t help.
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funny girl
2001-11-03-3:41 p.m.
Last night I went to a meeting with Lydia. The Mike and Ben Show, a UCLAtv sketch comedy show is looking for writers and actors. I could do that! I could DO that! They were really funny, although the show is a little over the top for me, but I can adjust.
When we got home, Lydia was really tired, so I let her go to bed. We were supposed to go out drinking with Lauren at the DAMS (Dennis Agnes Mike Sarah) apartment, but Lauren didn’t call at 7 when she was supposed to.
I was feeling sorry for myself, but didn’t want to go to bed at 8, so I threw on Caron’s sweater jacket, stuck my cards and (I thought) my money in the pockets, and walked down to Westwood.
I love Westwood, but there is NOTHING to do there. Its really pretty, but the council has run all the clubs out of town. The people who arent UCLA students in Westwood are really rich, really white, really conservative republicans. Its gross. Its also ironic because UCLA is such a ghetto school, and USC, the private college, is so upscale, but in such a ghetto neighborhood. I really think we should just give it up and switch campuses. That would be a pity though, I love UCLA. It’s gorgeous.
So anyway, I wandered around Westwood for a while, and bugged my friend Rudy at AHHHS!. He JUST works there. It’s his life, and he bitches about it constantly, but its good to have someone to speak ghetto with. Its getting harder and harder these days to get my native language back in my mouth.
After that, I realized that Ultimate Improv! was playing in an hour or so, so I ran to the line at the Westwood Brewing Company (BrewCo). I was first in line, and the kids right behind me were great. There was Sid, an entertainment reporter for the Daily Bruin, and his friends Emily, Justin, and Valerie. Wow! I only got there names once! Go me!!!
Anyway, Sid was doing a piece on the show, and wanted to ask me questions about it once he found out I used to be an improv junkie. He was faaaabulous, and we kept the other two laughing until it was time to go in.
When I FINALLY got to the ticket table (run by Doug Lief, who I’ll get to in a moment), I realized I didnt have NEARLY as much money as I thought I did in my pocket, so I had to run to an ATM across the street! So I ended up at the end of the line! How sad is that? Luckily, they made a seat for me, right up front, and only a few seats away from my line friends.
The show was great, and really lifted my spirits. There was this guy, I think his name was Dan, and…well, it is now! He was this tall Aryan guy who was really funny and really fine. At one point in the show, his castmates started lifting up his shirt, and it came out that Dan shaves his chest and stomach, much to the poor boy’s chagrin. The others started giving him crap for shaving his “Treasure Trail” or his “Happy Trail”, but I thought it was kind of cool, and said as much to him after the show.
After the show, they asked people to stick around and watch them do a couple of prepared sketches so they could get audience feedback. They were ok, but not fantastic. Then they played freeze tag to get more ideas. That was much better, much more improvisational.
In my high school drama class, I was in Comedysportz, an improv program that’s fairly international, and which J.D., the leader of Ultimate Improv, belongs to. He was one of my counselors at the summer Comedysportz camp I went to. I really rock on the improv scene, because it can get so weird, but also because its kind of cool to see MY teachers on TV. J.D. is on Dharma and Greg and used to play Mackey in The Smart Guy with Taj Mowry, as well as in that string of commercials of him interviewing big stars for office jobs. Jason Winer used to be on The Blame Game on MTV, and was on that commercial about the blind date and chick wrestlers for some collect calling number. There used to be this guy, Chris, who was a giant, but he was on commercials and even on Angel once. He’s my hero!
OK, so ANYWAY, between the main show and the sketches, there was a little intermission. I talked to Doug Lief for a while. He’s graduating this year, and looking for a law school.
Doug Lief is the star writer for the Daily Bruin’s Viewpoint section. He’s hilarious and incredibly smart. In his spare time, he works for UI, as a ticket taker and DJ. He’s awesome, and has an amazingly large following on campus.
I looked really good, because of the interview last night, and because I’ve been steadily wearing makeup since Halloween. I loooove it when people are nice to me. I was wearing a longish black skirt, my black laceup boots that come up to my calves (I REALLY want knee-high boots!!), a pretty see-through white wife-beater, and a black bra, which is only improtant because the wife beater was so darn see-through! I was also wearing the necklace I’ve been wearing since Halloween, a black chain with red stones hanging down. I like it better than my eagle claw right now.
I asked Doug to play some Queen, and he played Bicycle Race, and we mouthed the words together. I think he was impressed.
When I got home, I was cold and tired and happy, but as soon as I walked in the door, Lauren and Lydia, who had been woken up by Lauren, flew at me frantically, pointing at the TV room, whisper-screaming “He’s here! He’s here!! He’s in there!!”
I automatically went into the TV room. Rachel was curled up on a couch, sleeping, and Chris was there, wide awake! We talked! Not a lot, and he made it a point to be more interested in Lydia and Lauren than in me, but we did talk, and I even made him laugh at one point. You know, he’s the only guy I know who doesnt look at me MORE when Im dressed like a hooker.
I was supposed to go over to Anna’s this morning, but I slept in ’til noon. All I had for breakfast was a couple nuts and some total flakes, and the inside of a REALLY burned biscuit. I also had some vitamins and herbal pills. Yum. Im not even hungry now though. Hmm.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Bicycle Race by Queen!!!!
weekend shorty
2001-11-04-11:43 p.m.
I talked to him tonight. I dont know why talking to him makes me feel so much better. Im just going to feel awful again the second someone sees fit to point out he doesnt want me, as Anna was so kind to do this afternoon.
His voice fills my heart with something warm and sweet.
I love getting feedback. Lisa rocks on the feedback. I should get better at giving it.
I should study now, or do the paper I’m putting off.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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lah-ti-dah pooftah
2001-11-06-10:20 p.m.
Anna gave me a bone last night, and I’ve been chewing on it all day. Christopher might like me. She only said the things she said because she thought that I had told him how I felt. Because that would happen. Actually it would, if I could ever get a decent chunk of time alone with him.
Lauren is having big problems with Mike, and she sent me an email entitiled “vegetarian men SUCK!” which I think is pretty general since in the same email she says how much she likes Christopher. I hope she doesnt like him overly much. He’s too sane for her.
I really like Lisa-from-work. She’s awesome. And she teaches me Adobe stuff. I think she and Anna might like each other, too. I think I read somewhere that Libras like living entirely within a close circle of friends, that we get sick or depressed when left to our own devices for too long. Its true. I am most definitely a Libra.
Anna and I looked up our horoscope readouts on witch.net. Its almost always dead-on, well, it never actually changes for each sign, but it usually applies to the people I’m thinking of when I read it. She’s an Aquarius mostly.
I’m letting myself get behind in classes again. I feel so tired. I know its just the daylight savings time ending, but it’s really gonna kill me if I let it.
Thursday night is going to be a poetry open mic thingy at Kherkoff Coffee House. I hope I dont forget this time. This Saturday is a Harry Potter roleplaying game, which I want to go to, but Anna said that she’ll come just to laugh at me. I’ll feel silly enough doing it. But Ive never done live roleplay before.
There’s this guy at work Steve, whom I’ve only seen a few times. He’s really funny, and I like talking to him a lot. He says he wants a girl who can think, but that there isnt one in L.A. Ass. He also says that he wont like any girl who isnt religious. I wish he’d make up his mind. I wanted to debate him, but this girl, Sharon, was getting on my case for hating on blondes, pointing out that I bleach my hair. I tried to respond that I bleach my hair just so I can dye it a decent punk color, but she was being obnoxious. Anyway, defending myself any more would have made it seem like I wanted Steve or something.
Being in love with Christopher…I dont feel attracted to other guys anymore, really. I just want him. I may squeal over some British hottie, but…that desire just isnt there.
A lot of people have commented lately that I look like shit, that I look tired, that I look dead. Yeah, well. I think part of it is the makeup though. I didnt put any on today, but I think the eyeliner was smearing and making the circles under my eyes seem darker than regular.
Im getting hungrier lately.
My mom doesnt believe in bi. She thinks its something you say you are when you’re figuring out your sexuality. My mom is not going to know my sexuality or anything else about my personal life until Im married with 8 kids, and since I plan to adopt 2 at the most, I guess my mom is never gonna know.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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playing catch-up
2001-11-08-4:41 p.m.
Make-up phase is over for now, but I might pick it up again. Its nice to be looked at…
I feel really physically good today. I was feeling emotionally good, too for a while. In my Phonetics class, I got my test back. I think I set the curve. I got 141/146! Go me. Its my birthday. I tried to call Anna to see what she got on Tuesday, but she was already at work. Ah well.
I went to YRL between classes to snag some books for my Cog Sci paper, and half-hoping I’d run into Christopher. He’s wasnt in the stacks. However, when I went back down to the first floor to check out my books, he was there, asleep in a chair! He seems to sleep a lot when I see him, poor thing.
I waited until he woke up, and we talked a little, but I imagined something of a hunted look in his eyes. He had to go to work at 1, so I let him go and checked out my books. The girl who checked me out was named Brianna. She looked at me when she called me to her station and went “Is your name Kat?” Apparently she knew me from Orientation or first week of freshman year from three years ago when I was a brunette! Wow…I feel…well, kinda numb. But I guess its cool. She was really cute, with these painted little lips, and a baby doll haircut…ahem. But yeah, so…I guess I’m popular in Library Circles.
I know I haven’t written in a couple days, and I’m sorry for that. I saw Caron’s tape of Buffy: The Musical yesterday afternoon before work, and may I say…that was the funniest thing EVER!!!! It was great, down to the half-time ballet. The only problem was that because the showing ran long, I didnt get to see the end credits or the preview for next time, because Caron’s VCR cut out after EXACTLY an hour. Ah well. The last thing I saw was Buffy and Spike kissing, and my heart was filled with wonderful hope right up until I ran into Christopher again today.
Did I mention I’m trying to give up beef? I’m figuring out ways to get around it. I had an avacado sandwich for lunch today, because they were out of egg salad, and I REALLY hate Dos Hermanos’ chicken salad. The sandwich was nasty, but it had alfalfa sprouts for me to munch on after I cleared away all the bread and carrot shavings!
We’re studying Language learning in cog sci, so I finally feel a little comfortable in the class. Last lecture was good too. It was about sex, jealousy, mating choices, all the stuff that makes life worth living for most children of the Kingdom Animalia.
DId I mention I loved Buffy? I loved Tara and Willow’s exchange in the park “Boys are looking at me? I’m cured! I want boys!”, and I LOVED the look on Willow’s face when she heard what happened to Buffy. I ADORED that she and Spike are finally together and they had better STAY together for a while, too. I want Spike and Angel and Riley to fight over Buffy, only Riley gets hideously mangled by Spike in the first few minutes…but I guess that’s impossible…unless Riley comes back as a demon or a vampire or something. I LIKE the shiny metal chip in Spike’s head. Its like he has a little Prozac dispenser/shock collar in there.
Lisa-from-work showed me this short story she wrote, a fractured fairytale version of Rapunzel. It’s mad depressing. I always wondered why Rapunzel didnt just climb down her own damn hair and go tuggee on everyone, though. But that’s not how real fairytales work. The chick always has to be saved, and if she does have a hand in her own rescue, its somehow a credit to the man she ends up with. Bunk that.
Both Mike AND Pete were in CLICC yesterday. I used to see Mike all the time in Powell when I worked for hte library, but I think something actually broke in my brain when I saw Pete, who’s been on Academic Probation more often than I have, and is an ex-frat boy besides, in CLICC. He was picking up Tracy, his wish-she-were-girlfriend. Tracy is really nice, but I have no idea how she and Pete even get along, except that he worships her, and I suppose that can be pretty addictive. Pete and I get along because I dont wear a whole lot to parties, and let him fix me drinks that I promptly give to someone else.
I think that’s about it. I should take some vitamins and stuff, cause I feel myself getting stuffy, and that’s never good.
Oh!! Yesterday the CLICC supervisors sent out an e-mail with the consultants voted the ten best, which Lisa was on. This guy Shamaun was on it too, which kinda bugs me, because, while I’ve never seen him on duty, I’ve seen OFF duty WAY too much. He doesnt hesitate to harangue us for any infraction we may or may not have power over at the time. Best Shamaun scene EVER was when I was on crutches a few weeks ago, something like the first time I’d gone to work since I fell, still heavily immobile. He came storming up to the desk, with a piece of paper he’d found on the floor, and began going on about how the place was a mess. He ends by shouting “Pick up a broom! Clean up a little! It’s not like you’re crippled!” then he looks at me, blanches, and goes sheepishly “Well, maybe YOU are…”
After he left for the night, I was busting up. I can’t stand people who let themselves blow their stacks because they can’t deal with their own shit. Espescially when they blow up at something unrelated to the real problem. My parents are both like that. They LOVE to take their shit out on me, and sometimes on Toby.
But I guess that doesnt make him NOT good at his job, just a fairweather people person. Still. A lot of people say stuff to me behind his back.
But ANYWAY, guess who was on the OTHER list? the one that was mailed separately and only to the people on it, the one with the ten WORST consultants? Yup! Yours truly! Apparently I am devil incarnate. The 2 criticisms listed next to my name was:
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Song(s) most stuck in my head today: |
good morning starshine
2001-11-10-3:54 p.m.
I woke up at 3:30 for the second time today. The first time was at 10, but I couldn’t…whatchamacallit…see straight. I feel a little better, but I’m hungry, have a slight headache,a nd need to brush my teeth again.
I think I dreamed about Algernon, this guy I went to high school with. And I think my dream was pretty boring. I got woken up by an AT&T long distance telemarketer.
Lisa called me a “real friend”. I feel speshul all over. 
Last night Y? and I went to Trader Joes and Ralphs. We got healthy junk food (can I get a whut whut for Tofutti Cuties?) at TJ’s, and I got a salad from the salad bar at Ralphs. Im very picky about my salads. I only like this: a bed of spinach with some darkish leaves of iceberg lettuce over it, hard boiled eggs, preferably whole, garbanzo beans (chick peas if you live in some heathen lands), peas, corn, avacado, bamboo hearts, cherry tomatoes, and italian dressing over all. There was no avacado.
Mmmm…salad. I wish I had some left. Its bloody EXPENSIVE to get it from Ralphs, but I was feeling sick from the frozen dinner I’d had for breakfast 5 hours before, and felt like I needed something to cleanse my palate. It did the trick.
When I went home, Rachel and Sherri were ordering pizza from Papa John’s, and they had invited Chris and his roommate Peter. Peter didn’t come, but Kiki, the new ethnically greek girl in my house, met Chris and now we can talk about him. Kiki agreed to be my speaker for my Phonetics project too! Norma sorta punked out. I have to get my butt over to YRL and change my books.
I should have done that the first time I got up today, but like I said, I didnt feel well, and I emailed Chris last night and now am in terror he might actually read it. I think its a pretty innocuous note, but Im not sure if it can be interpreted badly. Probably. Well, at least he came over when I didnt outright say I WOULDNT be in the house. That shows progress against my paranoia, right?
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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walking through fire
2001-11-12-11:19 a.m.
“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it…” -Dawn, BTVS:TM
Im hard-boiling a dozen eggs right now. Why? Because its FUN!
Lets seeee…Anna came over yesterday for us to trade notes (I didnt get to copy hers yet though) and then we went over to my parents’ house, because I thought my sister would be there and we could all three of us could watch Buffy The Musical. My sister wasnt there. She had gone over to Ari’s, a fellow autotheist and Tovah’s best friend, to spend the night.
Anna and I watched it anyway, and we’re both equally in awe of the glory of Spike and Giles. Anthony Stewart Head (Giles) espescially because he’s really British and can REALLY sing. He used to play Dr. Frank N. Furter in Rocky Horror in England. He’s got a great set of gams….uh…lungs, I said lungs!
I wrote some more poems last night. Well, I wrote -a- poem, and the other was more of a reinterpretation of a Sappho fragment:
Drop by drop
My pain flows
Out of me.
OK, its not exactly Shakespeare, but there’s only three words to interpret/transalate. Anyway, I was feeling depressed again yesterday. Im personally sick of my whining. But I’m also sick of people trying ot tell me that the reason Christopher doesn’t want me is because he’s stupid or an asshole or (thanks to Aaron) posessed by aliens or on mind-altering drugs. He’s NOT.
Im starting to not resent Spike’s song in the musical as much, although I would still love to tweak it and have him re-record it. I need to watch Angel tonight and have someone tape Buffy again tomorrow. Guess who hasnt been able to sell off her hours again? Lucky ducky me.
I emailed Lisa a couple days ago and she hasnt responded yet, but she’s definitely been online. My name isnt on the staff list on CLICC’s main website.
John has been reading my diary. He wants to console me. I want him to read my latest poem first. He’s part of the pain, I think. He loves me, but he doesnt want to be WITH me. How much does THAT fuck with my ego? Why is it fair that he can be happy without me or anyone else? I can’t find anybody else and I HATE being alone. Anna says I need to forget about Chris and as soon as I do, someone will walk into my life, but I’ve tried that before and Chris was the answer to that method. I really almost thought he was a SIGN, or like, cosmic karma or something for me for being good and tortured. I still do, but now Im wondering if its not meant to be punishment for something…
I love my dogs. I have three: Lorena, Israi, and Magrat. Lorena is the sweetest kindest dog in the world, and a boxer/pitbull mix. Israi is the prettiest and my personal favorite, but she’s very spoilt (by me); she’s a besenji/german shepherd mix and she’s my baby. Magrat is my mom’s mini-schnau who’s mostly annoying but she can be cute and manipulative sometimes.
They’re mad at me cause I wont share the egg salad I just made. Its not very good. I put in too much honey dijon mustard. I hate relish so I didnt put any in. I couldnt get enough mayo out of the bottle.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
Not so much songs as fragments from Buffy the Musical:
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playing with nature
2001-11-12-4:02 p.m.
I just finished watching Buffy the Musical again. Music opens up parts of my mind I would rather leave closed.
I just connected the evolution section of my cog sci class with the fact that Israi has been spayed. I didnt want her to be, but my mom did anyway. We’ve completely fucked up a perfectly good dog’s chance of being represented in the next generation. It made me cry. Israi tried to lick my tears away. She doesnt care if she isnt represented in the next generation, but it still makes me mad. I want her and Lorena to have legacies. They’re more important than me, for all they’re so loved.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:Walk Through The Fire from Buffy the Musical
the skinny
2001-11-12-5:41 p.m.
I just called Chris…he wanted to know my CLICC hours. He said he’d try and come visit one of these days…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: “It’s just one of those days, when shit dont go your way…”
on my own. . .
2001-11-13-12:38 p.m.
I’m crying. The second time in less than 24 hours. The last time I cried was on Halloween. The time before that was time out of mind…
When I called Chris last night, something had changed. He was being nice to me. He told me he and Yiloc had stayed up the night before talking about Chinese politics till 7:30 am. I knew Yiloc had talked to him about me. When I got home last night/this morning we talked for an hour or so. Chris has decided to forgive me. He’s decided we can be friends. Yiloc cleared up all his misconceptions about me. She also told me he never liked me, even that first night. He was acting wierd because he had a crush on Lydia.
I hate him now. He wants to talk to me and clear the air, but I dont know if I can stomach it. No one has ever thought of me as a particularly manipulative person. Im a bitch to people’s faces. I dont even know entirely how he drew that conclusion. He thinks Im insane, he thinks I’m bent on world domination by means of fucking with his pretty little head. But he wants to be friends. Actually, now he thinks Anna is the witch, which isnt right either.
You have to love someone before you can hate them, right? I hate Christopher. He made me feel. He melted the ice and peeled away the scabs and I felt something for the first time in years, like I hadn’t felt in high school. I made a fool of myself over him. I let myself get distracted and soppy and all the other things I hate to the marrow of my being. Its not his fault entirely, but this is high school bullshit, and I tried to keep it away from that.
So he wants to be my friend now. He thinks very highly of me now. Woo-fucking-hoo. I can’t stand the thought of being near either him nor Rachel.
All those times I thought he was avoiding me, he was. He and Rachel made rules for avoiding me. She thinks Im some whiny wench, when I told her outright I didnt want her to be a conduit between Christopher and I. I dont want a relationship with ANYONE that depends on a relationship with someone else. Its too complicated.
But that’s the reason I cried early this morning. The reason Im crying now is because of John. John always touches me when he shows emotion. He owns a very real part of me, but only when he’s letting himself be human. When he is too controlled, I don’t have anything to reflect but control. I want to post the note he sent me, but I’ll ask his permission first.
Christopher knew about the song(s) I wrote about him, because Rachel probably saw them in my notebook for a sort of complicated reason. I dont know how I feel about that. Its none of their damn business, really, and the song isnt entirely about him. It just starts off being about him. It’s sort of about John too, and sort of about every guy I’ve ever known EVER. Every guy who decided I wasn’t worth anything besides their pity. Every guy who ever kind of liked me, but never moved forward because I’m not the sort of girl he should like. I’m making it sound like a much better song than it is.
I found myself scratching at my arm with the metal part of a mechanical pencil. I barely made a scratch before I stopped. I’ve got to find a band or SOMETHING. I have to get this shit out of me and on to others. I can’t remember how to scab up and freeze my heart again. I’ve lived three happy years with it in storage, never feeling anything real, not even for my puppy who I claim to love so much, who Im so guilty over. Now I’m feeling everything and it SUCKS, because I only had a couple days of feeling anything good. The last five weeks have been gut wrenching.
Chris is gone, and John is gone, but not gone so far. I think John and I shall continue to be the pains in each others’ sides for many years to come.
In my dreams, and in the fantasies of my mind, I’m loved by someone sweet and intelligent and artistic and musical and ambitious and funny and liberal. And sometimes British. But now, this is the last time. I’ll hide myself away somewhere before I ever let myself follow anyone. I am not meant for love. I am meant to heal others, to save others, to support others. I feel I must work silently. I wish I wasn’t a linguistics major, or I’d take a vow of silence, at least for a year, pour my voice into my bass and my books.
I stopped by Rolfe, by the way. I am going to apply to join the two creative writing courses offered here, in poetry and short stories. I know exactly what I’m going to sent the professors, too.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Let Me Rest In Peace from Buffy: The Musical!
broken floodgates
2001-11-16-5:40 p.m.
I had a great night last night/this morning. Lisa and I stayed up all night being big dorks at the lab. I cant go into all of it, but it involved a stuffed pumpkin and Buffy. We decided that “Under Your Spell” is probably the most lewd song ever written. Oh, and she made me listen to someone called Dar Williams who was pretty cool. I worked on my site a little too.
I got home a little before 7:00 am this morning and slept through my chance to get to my 2:00pm class on time, so I didnt go. I really needed to shower anyway.
But today, I’ve been really very depressed again. I don’t like being angry. It twists my stomach all up in knots so I cant sit down with any sort of concentration.
I’m trying ot get a hold of Lauren so she can get me out of this house for a while. I DONT want to talk to Y? anymore. I feel like I’m perpetually on the verge of tears, and I refuse to let anyone see it. It doesnt help that I’ve only got sad songs running through my head.
I’m having the fantasies again, the ones where I walk around with cuts all over my arms, as if they meant nothing. As if they were no more significant than the color of my hair. Just there for the look. I find my mind trying to compose poems about the joys of cutting, but I wont let it. I will NEVER cut myself. I have no right to write about it. I watched this movie once, Secret Cutting. I had the fantasies before, but the look of bliss on the girl’s face while she chopped herself up solidified them.
Lydia asked me to email her, so I did. I had to explain that Chris had had a crush on her. If I have to type things after I’ve typed them in my diary, it just is hurtful. I wish I was snide enough to just send everyone who asked after me to this site.
Except for when I’m with Lisa, I feel like I’m walking the earth alone again. I feel this horrible weight on my shoulders, urging me to sink into the earth. I miss Sarah and Agnes and everyone when they lived here. The only person in the house who I really thought I could make a new friend of turned out to be the worst enemy imagineable.
A huge part of me hates myself for letting me feel sorry for myself when there are so many worse things in the world than my own trivial dramas. I make the tears stop as soon as they start. Deep breaths.
I’ve been programmed to work the Friday evening and Saturday day of Thanksgiving weekend. We are supposed to go to the Weezer concert that night. I’m going to try to get out of working and buy hours earlier in the week. I don’t mind working Saturday though. I dont think I can be around my family for more than four days. I can only talk to my sister, but I dont want to put my shit on her. I dont want my parents in my personal life, and at the same time, I know they wont take any notice of my sadness. I won’t even let myself cry on Israi’s neck again. It worries her too much, and she drowns me with her tongue, trying to make me feel better.
Star 98.7 keeps talking about tomorrow’s football game. I dont care! Play something happy! I need some hard rock to beat this shit out of me.
Besides Lisa, I think Buffy is my rock right now. I want her and Spike to hook up. It wont make my sights seem so impossible.
Half of me wants to call Christopher and tell him “If you want to talk, come over now so we can talk. Otherwise, we never will.” When/if we talk, I have to be prepared, give myself a window of time to be strong in, or else it will come to either tears or blows. I’ve never actually hit anyone…besides my sister and this girl I got into a fight with in Kindergarten after school. I think her name was Jennifer. I think we were friends before that.
I’m ICQ’ing with this guy Brandon, who is, short of actual blood, my brother. He is exactly a year older than me to the day. We dont talk much anymore, but we are fast friends, and used to always tell each other personal shit.
Come ON, Lauren! Call, damn you. Take me away from this pain. Make me forget, if only for a few hours…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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wake up little suzy
2001-11-17-2:15 p.m.
I’m at work right now. 1-6 pm.
Rachel found me and hugged me last night. She seemed really worried about me. We talked for a couple minutes and she seemed confused about the accusations. I also got an email from Christopher yesterday, asking me to ask Y? about their marathon conversation. The note was vague, but the tone was ominous to me. I think I may have stumbled upon the one case where Y? did NOT blow things out of proportion in amy way, shape or form.
Anyway, I hopped a bus last night out of nervousness and rode all the way to 3rd Street Promenade, walked around fo rlike 10 minutes, and hopped a bus back home. I had a message from Lauren saying that she was going over to Pete’s and did I want to come. I left a message on her machine (she had gone out running) that yes, I was desperate to get out of the house. I went downstairs and talked to Rachel (already noted) and Lauren called back to say she was going to hop in the shower and come pick me up. I got all prettified and we went.
Before we got there, we stopped and got Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Strawberry Daquiri flavored beverage with alcohol in. Since I hadn’t been officially invited, the best way to soften Pete up is to bring alcohol that you’re willing to drink. I only do things that dont taste like alcohol. So it was strategery, as Sarah says. Plus, Lauren paid for it (duh, Im only 20).
Anyway, it was lots of fun, even though Bryan, one of Pete’s roommates who is a sweetie, left fairly early. There was also Nick, a fencer/nerd who is extremely loquacious when he’s drunk, Eric and Helmut (Helma), the oddest couple ever ever (Eric is a 6′4″ republican and Helma is a tiny asian women’s studies/LGBT studies major), Mike, Pete, Sarah, and Lauren, all of whom were at my birthday party just before I started journalling. The only other person there was Pete’s 16-year-old cousin, Michael, who we will call Little Mike. He was visiting to see if he wanted to come to UCLA. I think getting him drunk and introducing him to the world of Del-Taco-at-3-in-the-morning won him over.
Del Taco is something of a tradition with my friends after they’ve been drinking all night. For those of you outside of So Cal, its like Taco Bell, only a trillion times better and cheaper.
I wasn’t drunk last night, but I was really tired, which amounts to the same thing. I’ve never been drunk, but I get slap-happy when I’m tired, which is why my friends allow my sobriety in their presence.
ANYWAY…I feel a little better this morning. Mike and Lauren are more open with their affections than when I last saw them together, even though Mike still only acknowledges Lauren when he’s drunk. It gives me hope, though. I’m trying to take hope where i can find it. Not the kind of hope that Christopher and I will ever be together, but the kind of hope that there is light in adversity.
Right now I’m trying to sell off my evening hours for Friday so I can go to the Weezer concert. I can’t believe Thanksgiving is so close! I want unburned biscuits! I want mashed potatoes! I want candied yams without marshmallows! I want…uhhh…uhhh…cranberry sauce? sort of…I want to sing!
I hate turkey. I dont eat it. Did i tell you I’ve given up beef? Now I only eat chicken, though I dont know how long this will last. I dont think I could hold out if we ever go into a Tony Roma’s or Dr. Hogly Wogly’s. Plus, well, I kinda only gave it up because of my dislike for eating right now, and I wanted to gain favor with Chris. This is me being a genius. So maybe there will be brisket at Thanksgiving, and maybe I will eat some and fall from bovinian grace.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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i must do what i must
2001-11-19-3:06 p.m.
I sold off my hours for this Friday! I get to go to Weezer!!! Yayme!
I havent done this in a couple days, so Im trying to figure out where I left off, and if there was anything i meant to write last time. Hopefully it will come to me.
Towards the end of work on Saturday, Robert, who I think I mentioned on Halloween, asked me if I wanted to go to a party. I said yes, so we went to his place for a couple hours (work ended at 6, party started at 9). He lives like one of my uncles in Minnesota…stuck in the 70’s. THeir furniture is actually FROM the 70’s, and I think they stole it from St. Paul. Their whole apartment reeks of smoke and marijuana. His roommate is also named Rob, but I never met him. We grabbed dinner at Headlines! and booze from Breadstiks before heading to the party.
Anyway, the party was being thrown by this guy Seth, who Robert had run into earlier in the week for the first time in the quarter, but hadn’t seen Seth’s new apartment. Seth lives WAY the fuck up the hill on the Gayley side of UCLA, in the apartments. All Robert’s friends are really cute and ultra-liberal, and I had a blast listening to them talk.
Afterwards, we all wanted to go see the meteor shower, which is only supposed to happen like this once every 200 years. After much confustion, me and 4 guys drove to Mulholland, while the rest of the party went to see it on the roof. Me, Robert, Seth, Dawson (Docile?) and this one guy who’s name I didnt catch, but was sober and drove. Dos seemed to know the most about all of this.
Before we got to Mulholland, we stopped at 7-11 for snacks and drinks. There was a girl and her boyfriend (john? pimp?) going in ahead of us. The guy was kind of stupid, and the girl kind of knew that. The girl was wearing ultra-lowcut jeans and a red lace thong under it. She was also wearing a cowboy hat. The guy went up to her “Look! I got a frozen pizza!” like it was the coolest thing since ribbed condoms. She nodded with that exasperated-but-neccessarily tolerant look on her face. He turned to me and grinned again “Frozen pizza!” I nodded and moved away quickly.
The meteor shower was beautiful, but badly planned. Most of the night involved us trying to find comfortable ways of sprawling across the car, and cussing at the inadequately sized meteors, and lauding the huge ones loudly. We scared the people in the car in front of us away.
Anyway, I got home at 4ish. And stumbled into bed for a couple hours, until my dad called 7 or 8 hours later to ask me if I wanted to go to Harry Potter with Toby, Ari, and he. I said sure. I got up, checked my email, heard them downstairs, got ready quickly, and ran downstairs. By the time I got into the living room, Toby and Ari were going up the back stairs to find me. I called them back and we were off.
We called Anna and Katy-bird to see if they wanted to come with, but they said they couldnt go to the 1:00 showing because they were going to workout just then. We parked across from Brew Co, because its the cheapest public parking I’m aware of, and I led the way to the Fox, in a roundabout sort of fashion. The next showing was actually at 3, so we bought tickets and went to Boba World for lunch. Mmmm…Pineapple-banana boba smoothie and chicken satay! I was happy happy. Ari and daddy had never had boba before, so it was a learning experience. I think it disturbed poppi to see Toby so at home with the concept. I’m so proud!
Then we went to Katie’s Pet Store to play with the rescued kittens, which dad put up with for about five minutes before going, saying we should meet up at Borders. He came back maybe a half an hour later, a little angry we were still there. We all went to Borders, looked around, I put 3 books on hold which I have to go back for, and then we went and found daddy on a bus bench across the street, reading.
Toby, Ari, and I thoroughly embarrassed poppi by singing and being general idiots on the streets of Westwood. Its our job. Its what we live for.
The theatre was CROWDED. Full UP. We all had to split up. Harry Potter was beautiful, but they cut out ALL the humor, and barely acknowledged Ron’s older brothers, who are terribly important later. It was pretty, and the set were exactly what they should have been, but it wasn’t funny or even very engaging. The one thing Im REALLY mad about is that they cut out the cheeky comments from the announcer at the first Quidditch match.
Afterwards I went with Anna and Katy-bird, who showed up at the 3 o’clock showing on their own, to B.J.’s where I’d never been. Anna sprung for me. I had a grilled roast beef sandwich, breaking my no-beef resolution. But it was REALLY good, so it was worth it. At least I didnt blow it on Burger King or something like that. Anyway, Lauren says I can always get back on the wagon.
I talked to Chris for a couple hours last night, and I let the whole thing be settled in his mind. He’s coming over Tuesday, and I’m not to avoid the house.
Right now, Aaron is working on this guestbook script I want for my website. I owe him so much…
I’m going with Yiloc now to Ralph’s, and later I might go over to Sarah’s for a vegetarian Thanksgiving meal.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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im good enough…
2001-11-20-10:55 p.m.
Lessee…last night was cool. I did go over to Sarah’s for veggie food. Actually, it was more “meatless” than “veggie”. Meatless lasagna with plenty-o-cheese, and mashed potatoes with lots of cream. It was good, but it made me sick as sin. I’m lactose intolerant, on top of which, I forced myself to eat too many potatoes.
During dinner, we watched 7th Heaven, the worst show on TV, and we made fun of it collectively. We’ve decided that Lucy is an escaped lawn gnome and Ruthie is adopted. Sarah was calling her “nigger-child”, but she looks more Latina, so she calls her “Mexican kid”. She’s a LOT darker than anyone else on the show. Actually, I think the actress is Jewishish. Her last name is Rosman.
Tracy gave me a ride home so I could watch Angel, and because she had to go to work at CLICC anyway. OMK! Can I just say that? Lisa and I were up till wee hours IMing each other about it. Angel is now a father. Darla staked herself to give birth to the kid. I’ve decided the kid’s name is Liam. I really really want to see the episode where Buffy finds out about him! I can just see all these fight sequences, where they have to stop killing demons to change the baby’s diaper. I can totally picture Gunn wielding an axe and wearing a baby backpack!
Anyway, Christopher is both tired and shagged out from writing a paper, so did not come over today. I don’t believe I shall ever see him again.
I went to a poetry reading tonight (and therefore missed tonight’s Buffy! Arrrrgh!). It was pretty cool. There were candles. Hehe. Fire. 
I liked everyone there. I think its a positive thing to have on campus. I’ll go again next time, if there is a next time.
This one girl, tiny and beautiful and Asian, read off a poem about one of her visits to the OBGYN, like it was the best thing in the world. She ended it by dimpling and saying “What can I say? I love my cunt!” She flies in the face of stereotypes. I think she may be my new Jeebus.
I hate the OBGYN. I’ll kill someone before I let my mom drag me there again. I’ve been shirking my Loestrin treatments to stretch out the time between needing to refill prescriptions. But is she can find beauty in it, I take my bra off to her, as my mother would say.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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less than magic
2001-11-21-12:47 a.m.
I have to get this out NOW. I don’t want to go to Juliana’s house for Thanksgiving. I haven’t done ANYTHING this year. I’m worthless. I haven’t got John to hide behind this year. I’m terrified. I’ve no way to prove myself.
Every year since Juliana and I broke up or fell out or whatever, we’ve still done the hols together with out families. I mentioned this before, Im sure. I’ve ALWAYS had something. Usually, its Nordic Oil, this band my dad brought into our lives, whom we all love, except Juliana, whose never said three words to any of them. Last year, it was John and my poems. This year, I have squat. I have the song Olivia arranged for me, but I havent got music, and I cant sing it properly anyway.
All I have this year is pain and nervousness. I havent been such a wreck in AGES. I’ve never worried about this before. My hair is strange, my bass-playing is the suck, and my grades bite monkeys. I haven’t a boyfriend, or any extra-curricular activities. All I have is an extensive knowledge of Buffy and Weezer tix.
I hope Toby is in a generous mood. I can get through this social shit if she hangs by me. We’ve become strong together, her and I. I think she knows how much I hate crowds. And we both have a common distaste for our elders, especially the dumb ones.
I think I have like agoraphobia or claustrophobia or social anxiety disorder. I HATE HATE HATE being in large crowds sometimes. Sometimes I dont mind a whit, but I feel the panic coming on. I wont be able to bear it very well…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today: Hanging by this Moment by Lifehouse
who’s the turkey?
2001-11-22-11:40 p.m.
I finally caved in to my own sensibilities and got rid of most of my webrings. I’m once again developing an appreciation for the sleek, svelte modern looks. I feel bad about leaving most of the rings, but they were really tacky. The only one I kept was Bite Me, because it’s the one that requires the most activity and brain function. Plus, I’m kinda over the idea of extra-curricular activities after today.
But lets start with last night. My mom picked me and my laundry up. My mom asked me a lot of point blank questions, and told me a lot of point blank stories. My mom has done drugs a couple times in the last few years. Dope. It’s a narcotic. I looked it up. Suddenly my mom seems a little more human. But I still cant stop myself from thinking about how she snapped at my sister and I a couple months ago when we jokingly called her a crackhead. She was really upset and defensive about it. We chalked it up to my mom’s general lack-of-humor at the time.
I told her, flat out, in no uncertain terms that I’m bi, and no, it’s really really not “just a phase” as my mom always asserts bisexuality is. She thought about it for a few minutes while she pumped gas. When she got back in the car, she said something along the lines of “it’s not that I don’t believe in it, it just doesnt make any sense to me…like Jews for Jesus!”
I’ve been compared to the cult I most deride. Fabulous. Makes me all warm and squishy inside. Oh wait, that’s me being sick from whatever I ate tonight.
Tonight was not quite the hootenanny I’d expected. Too much drama, not nearly enough music. In fact, almost no music at all. Travis and I roughoused a little. Toby and I were adorable together. Juliana and Pollyanna talked near us a bit. J and I are still highly uncomfortable when in the same…state? continent?
My dad has this tiny little electric guitar with a built-in amp, called a Pignose. It was the highlight of the evening. It’s cute and sounds great. You should go out and buy one. Now.
My sister and I looked great. I was/am punked out in this tiny little black dress, with full on makeup. I’m a hottie. My sister was cute too, in sparkles and this black skirt and beautiful faery shirt. My hair was literally the center of attention at several points during the night.
Speaking of, Martha, J’s cousin’s wife, decided to break her 20-something year ban on meat, and made herself incredibly sick. My mom thinks she just did it to be petted. My mom thinks EVERYTHING Martha does is to be petted. I’m not sure if I disagree.
Aside from that, I got to sing “Could I Be Wrong?” for Gramwitch. She’s Anita, J’s grandmother, but she loves me a lot. It makes her happy to see my creativity. She’s an artist. According to her children, she’s also very manipulative.
I was pure veggie this year. There was no chicken at the table/buffet, so I just had salad, this spinach/cream cheese/artichoke heart thingy, steamed veggies, mashed potatoes that were brown for some reason, veggie gravy, and lots of black olives. For dessert, there was this chocolate/marzipan tort that was altogether too sweet, and I’m not talking to it at the moment.
I LOVE FX…I can almost always turn on the telly and there’s Buffy on!!!
I don’t eat/like/approve of pumpkin. I wish my families were hip to sweet potato pies.
I saw J’s Jr. High School class pic. Lisa was right in the front row, all cute in her sweater and shorts chic. The only thing J remembered about her was that Lisa’s uncle and father went to high school with J’s mother, and that Lisa used to be into serial killers when she was in Jr. High.
Juliana is into Buffy.
My puppy is licking me and whining at me. She wants to cuddle.
I miss Angel and Buffy being together. I miss Oz, too. I really do. I’m watching Graduation Day, Part 2.
Trav lent Toby and I a Dr. Demento CD that Toby burned as soon as we got home. Woo!
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
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