we want the funk
2002-05-12-12:53 p.m.
We want the funk! Gotta have that funk!
Hmm, what did I do yesterday? Sarah called me, woke me up, invited me to breakfast, I got dressed, talked to Wynnde (new girl), went to IHOP with Sarah, went home, took a nap, met Patrick to better learn the mysteries of syntax, called Rob, went home, washed my hair, then…hmm, oh yeah…
RODE THE MOTHERSHIP!
Rob’s roommate had to work, so I got to go!!! It was sooooooo awesome on SOOOO many levels.
Trevor met Rob and I there and we talked and whatnot (I have GOT to start carrying that chair around with me!!). They made an announcement that cameras wouldn’t be allowed inside, so Rob and I went to drop my jacket and backpack off in his muchly pimped-out Oldsmobile. When I got to the gate, I was pretty much naked. I was wearing a tank top and really tight jeans, so it was obvious the only thing I was carrying was my wallet. The security girl laughed and started to pat me down. Then I go “I’m giving you twenty minutes to cut that out” and she laughed again and I went past. Hehe. The chick who patted me down at the Weezer concert wasn’t nearly so cheery.
The concert was held behind the Sunset Canyon pools in this HUGE grassy area I didn’t even know existed. Trevor said that during the summer it was the shiz. I’ve only been to the pools a couple times…that place would be great to picnic, sunbathe…like the park my mommy’s company picnics used to be held at. By the time we got in, the line for the food was as long as the line we had just come through, because they were grilling the meat which smelled…soooo good…, and Rob, Trevor and I stood in it for a while, before deciding that the express lane, and therefore salads, were good enough for our fathers, and their fathers before them…:P
OK, the opening act was Medusa and Feline Science. SHE rocked…a LOT…I mean…yeah. This is why I like hip hop. Medusa is a hardcore fe-male. She has an eight piece band, including three drummers (one on bongoes), two backup singers, and a chick DJ, DJ Sparks. It was an awesome group, and the songs…well, the last one is called “This Pussy’s Just a Gangster”, and yeah. Hardcore fe-male.
Then there was a brief intermission. Rob and I hung out and talked a lil, and then we ran into the press. Zach was there, and I’d seen Sean and some other Mike&Ben people earlier, and Mandy and Sandy (from Art Festival which I WILL enter next year), and this totally hot little redhead who I think I’ve seen at some party somewhere, and Mandy et. al.’s group was standing right near us. There was also this cute little asian chick and this fine black guy with dreds who was beautiful and waaay into the music. I also saw Matt, this ex-CSO who is nearly as funny as me. I think I mentioned him before. Anyway, by the end of the night, I’d gotten hugs from everyone who’s name I knew, and it was a yay! and Rob shook hands in that silly way men have.
ANYWAY, the PFUNK…that’s a culture I want to be part of. George Clinton is like, a benevolent puppet master. He made the whole audience to what he wanted when he wanted them to. If I thought Medusa had a big band, its NOTHING compared to the Pfunk All-Stars. They had two guys who just wrote signs, held them up, and then threw them into the audience. “To Each His Clone” was my favorite, cause they held them up after George Clinton had just made the entire mass do like fifteen different things without saying a word.
Also, the pot…the group I mentioned before had a joint that kept falling apart that they were passing around before Pfunk came on. To keep the smoke going longer, the little redhead girl would blow the smoke into her friends’ mouths. She was wearing a rainbow belt. They let Rob take a hit.
I want to do my hair in all different colors like Clinton’s. It was awesome and fun and I think everyone should do unnatural things to their hair. I saw a girl in red overalls with blue hair. Maybe next time I can do my head half blue and half purple. It might look funky if one starts to fade though.
I think Trevor might have resented my being there. He didnt hang round us very much, and Im too sociophobic to have left Rob’s side. I wish I knew how to swing dance. The group near us did during “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On”. It was a cover, but it was a FUNKY cover.
I danced and danced and generally rocked out and felt much love.
Afterwards, Rob dropped Trevor, then me off, I came upstairs, called Sarah, and went over. We watched Unbreakable, which I still hate, and came home. Pretty boring.
I’m hungry.
Ain’t no party like a Pfunk party, cause a Pfunk party don’t stop!
night jitters
2002-05-14-2:09 a.m.
Okie dokie!! Now I’m in business!! Someone told me how to do the nifty window embedding thing, so I can make my sites all prettiest now! I’m learning more every day. I just wish I was learning the right stuff.
I need to do syntax. It’s due at noon. I have a 10am class. Im working 2am to 8am so I have six hours to do that and hopefully make some of my Taeyle profiles. I don’t know why Im so obsessed with purple. When I was younger, I would read some of the Sweet Valley Kids books and be apalled at the idea of Jessica’s group, the Unicorns, having to wear purple. It was so girly. But I think, as my mom has been pointing out lately, I was more apalled at the idea of it being a group effort than the actual color. I hate groups. I hate group mentality. I hate people changing who they are to fit in with the group they think best represents themselves. Because that makes sense.
Sarah told me Dennis is moving out, so I’m definitely in. We have to find a fourth roommate and a subletter or two, but Sarah is taking care of that. Sarah took me to McDonald’s tonight, and I et muchly of the dipp-ed cone and the benuggeted chicken pieces and the large Mac of lore. On top of that, Wynnde had made me rice, and all those carbs made me tired, as I hoped they would, but my room was SWELTERING when I tried to sleep, and Im afraid I didnt get much sleeping accomplished by the time Y? ‘woke’ me up. My eyes feel heavy even now, despite the Coke I grabbed from the house machine when I left.
When I went to my dad’s studio last weekend, he had a Pepsi machine with Coke products in it. It was cool. We’d been talking about getting one for a while now, and Im all happy. I’ve been in love with the idea of having a soda machine since I saw Big.
My fingers are really tired, and I still have hours to go. I wonder if I’ll have the energy to tree sentences.
OK, I can’t even think straight right now…
ring around the rosy
2002-05-15-10:54 p.m.
I need to take a shower and then lock myself in the computer lab forever tonight and tree sentences.
I wore my pink beanie today to cover my greasy hair. I’ve decided it’s my good luck beanie. I had such a good day once I escaped my class. Although to be fair, we did get a 10-minute break instead of 5-minute break because she wanted me to fetch her a plastic spoon, and there was a bake sale down there and they were selling raspberry cup-cheesecakes and regular cupcakes and this is the second time in two weeks I’ve seen it so Im all warm and fuzzy. After class, I stayed and Ken and I worked out a lot of the kinks in our research project. Serge and I also had worked out our project online earlier. I need to find 5 bilingual Span/English people. There are some in my house, but I dont think Im talking to any of them right now. Plus I tried to give one a grammaticality judgement task for another class, and she failed miserably.
Anyway, afterwards, Ken and I walked and talked to Bruinwalk. I felt bad for the sketch I’d done with the…uh…taco(s)…and felt I owed Taco Bell some reparations, so I went to lunch there. Afterwards, rather than going back up Bruinwalk, I walked down intending to take the elevator up to 2nd floor to Kherkoff and walk home from there. In front of Ackerman, they were having the bazaar, which is like…a bunch of vendors on campus convening in Ackerman Square. One was selling body jewllery and I had talked to Cindy about these supercool belly button rings I had seen before earlier that morning, and the vendor was there!
*breath*
Anyway, so then I was looking at the cool belly button rings, and this girl next to me was looking at noserings. I noticed she had an eyebrow piercing and asked her if it had hurt. She told me no, they use a clamp on your eyebrow, and that’s all you feel, and that neither of her three piercings really hurt. I was like, OK, thanks, and went back to looking at bellybutton rings while she agonize over the 3 for $9 nosering sale, trying to pick out flowery birthstone nose studs. Finally she turned to me and was like “Help me, strange girl, I dont know” and I was like “I’m Kat.” and she was like “I’m Kristina” and then we were friends and we spent like half an hour picking out nose studs and a tongue ring (she had broken hers earlier in the week) and then I played the will-I-or-won’t-I buy a ring. I bought a ring. It’s cooooool and everyone must be jealous of it.
Anyway, we talked a little more, and then she was like, do you wanna go get some coffee, and Im like…uhhh…ok. So we started walking towards the Ackerman turnaround, and we walked past the Indian clothes stall, and I commented on the “authentic” Indian water-bottle holder. However, I DO want to buy an embroidered satchel. Zack and Kristina and a whole bunch of other people on campus have them. They’re swell. The niftiest ones are in Mexico or on Olvera St., but I could be original and get an Indian one…hmm…black and red or purple and gold?!!
Kristina thinks Im funny. She’s funny too. We amused us. Before we got to the Ackerman turnaround, she’s like “I don’t even drink coffee” and Im like “Oh…me neither…” so we busted up and decided to go to Coffee Bean anyway, because we could get other stuff, and going to coffee shops is what college students DO on first meetings, right? We also decided to take the bus, because we’re both lazy, but we had both been prepared to put on a show if the other one had wanted to walk.
We talked a LOT, and she had to go home, but we swapped digits. I dont know if she’s bi or she just wants to sleep with Angelina Jolie, but she’s at least all cool and liberally. We hugged when she ran to catch her bus. I was all like, yay! I filled my friend-a-day quota! So then I came home with a new ring and a new friend, putted around on the net, missed my opportunity to sleep, made a guestbook for my Taeyle site, Caron and I ordered Soybean!!!
When I was eating in the TV room, I looked up and saw a not taped above the fireplace with my name in big capital letters. It told me to clean up after myself. I cleared my stuff away, but there was a lot of crap left. I wrote a note and put it in the first note’s place, asking whoever wrote the note to at least sign their names if they were gonna be an assumptive bitch. That kinda brought my mood down a little.
Now Im waiting for Mattia to come over and then Y and I are going to go shopping and then Im goign straight to the lab to work on Syntax.
Wynnde scares me a little. She’s paranoid…like REALLY paranoid, clinically. I think its a combonation of her religious fervor and stress.
regurgitation today
2002-05-16-9:50 p.m.
OK, so Y?, Mattia and I went shopping together. It was less fun than I envisioned, and I forgot to buy Wynnde the knock-off beefaroni I had promised her. I feel bad about that, but she knows she’s welcome to my stuff. I also forgot to buy bread, so I need some so I can make chicky sammiches.
About 6 this morning, I rediscovered Regurge songs. Why did they ever stop making them? They’re so funny! And the sound is awesome.
Know who else is awesome? Marcus. Cause he let me turn in my syntax homework 2 days late. I feel bad because I pretty much slept through my bilingualism lecture, but Serge (my project partner) has pointed out that it aint no thang because there is no final for the class, just a midterm. We took a quiz in Syntax, and I think I did…well…not fabulously, but I definitely owe Patrick dinner or something. This guy in Syntax during the break, Dell, who is adorable and high class, asked if Patrick was gay, and I was like, no, he has a girlfriend, but afterwards I realized that really doesnt mean anything, does it?
I actually slept a lil today. Very lil. Y? got me up on time to grab a sammich and get to my rehearsal. It was sooooo fun. I have a way weak spot for the character of Mercutio, and I shine as the nurse, and Romeo and Benvolio aint bad either.
So now Im finishing up my hour in YRL and I’m to go back and rove. Then I must type up my first submission for tomorrow, and it must comply with APA standards. I hate this stuff. Screw APA and the shiny horse it rode in on.
I need to call Russian Anna and Kristina and maybe even other Anna and Ken and, and…
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- I Want a Fat Babe from Regurge
- Mime After Mime from Regurge
- Internet Killed the Video Star from Regurge
lego my me
2002-05-17-8:11 a.m.
I hate school right now. This is the third night in a row I’ve spent in the lab, and I can’t keep my eyes open. Miki tried to wake me up at Lisa’s bequest, but I don’t know if I heard him. I woke up like an hour later. I can respond to people in my sleep.
I made that Lego thingy. It’s what I look like. Hehe. Crown.
I can’t find my references! Grr! Argh! Im gonna die. Maybe Y? will be able to find them if I call and ask reallly nicely…
I saw them setting up for the bazaar again, so after my section, Im going to try and buy a purse. Im leaning towards purple. My phone just looks so awkward in my pocket. “No ma’am, Im NOT happy to see you.”
I wonder if Motorola has a webpage of ring tones so you can get practice in programming ringtones rather than haing to hazard a guess about their crackheaded methods. Go big business!
I found this guy on Refs that blogs. Its like culture clash. Aside from the oldschoolers like myself, there really arent generally intelligent people frequenting Arc. Ah well. Yay!
fetish boy!
2002-05-17-3:02 p.m.
I know my pages’ lengths are really incongruent. dun care.
After I turned in the paper and sat throught he class, I went to the Ackerman bazaar thingy to buy a bag, but I decided not to. I still want one, but not from that awful blonde thing. All the vendors at the bazaar are kinda gruff except maybe the sunglasses guys who I didnt talk to. The makeup guy didn’t have any cool greens or anything, and told me I should use black powder, which might be cool, but not right above my eyebrow. I’d look like Groucho Marx.
What the hell is wrong with me anyway? The bag I can legitamize. I need something to carry my cell phone in. Even guys have a holster or something so their pockets dont look…amusing. But makeup? The Hello-Kitty nail files? I don’t even HAVE nails! And the only time I bother with makeup is Halloween or performances and I have PLENTY of those types. And this stuff isnt coming off my hand. I tested the black powder on my hand and its still there. I guess that says SOMETHING for its quality at least.
I looked at laptops for Wynnde. $1539 at Ackerman’s computer store. Cool. It’s not way high powered or anything, but it has Windows XP Professional, and I can probably teach Wynnde how to keep up databases and maybe a rudimentary website.
I want someone to buy my hours!!! Cause I said soooooooooooo. I wanna get drunk with Y? I wanna be rich! I wanna be famous! I wanna be good-lookin! Woo. Beetlejuice flashback. It was one of those things Juliana and I ALWAYS quoted. People just look at me funny and then ignore me when I do that now. No one thinks its cute or really wants to know why I bust out with stuff like that.
John fell-down-went-boom today. 
It got me thinking…even if you live your life, the same way over and over every day, one day at a time, even if the days should just meld together…there’s always SOMETHING waiting to rouse you. For John it’s usually bloody painful trips to the hospital. For me its…I dont know. Me, I guess. Because I can disappear into my room an never notice months fly by, but eventually I will make myself depressed and rouse me and make me be social again.
Someone d/l’d Morpheus onto the computer Im on in the lab right now. That is not OK. The computer should have failsafes against this. Rat bastards. I wish I was as neurotic about the lab as Karen, but Im not. I wonder if that makes me “part of the problem”.
I’m wondering if sleep is really what I need. I just always want MORE of it. Tim says we’re gonna get drunk sometime this week on something called Banana 99, as part of my dirty dirty payment for taking his night shift. Hehe. We got LOOKS yesterday morning. Today, we pretended to tie each other up with the plastic strips that seal the packing boxes closed. We got more looks. I love having a friend I can joke around like that with in public.
I need to dye my hair. I need to pierce SOMETHING. I need someone to keep me far away from all the scary bible-thumpers.
drunken monkey
2002-05-18-10:06 a.m.
Its WAAAAAY too fucking early…
After my last post, and I uploaded the script and episode to my server, I went home and tried to sleep, but it was already, like, 5, and I was supposed to work soon, and Y? kept wanting to talk. She finally left me alone for a while and she woke me up right before I was supposed to be at work. Bless Winnie, though! She had come through and bought my hours!!!! I checked on my email and promptly went back to sleep. Y? woke me again before Sarah came over and we ate and ate, because Sarah intended to take us to Pete’s to drink, so we needed to pad our stomach. I don’t really. But it made Y? feel better.
Anyway, Sarah picked us up and took us to Pete’s and Mike and Nick and Pete were there, and Nick’s best friend of 7 years, Nick II, and Denis & Van, and Lauren came, but only for a few minutes before she, Mike, and Y? left. Lauren and Mike were being nauseating anyway. Then Dennis and Van left. Early in the evening I had spotted one of their cell phones. The banner read “Den Luv Van”. Y? put that away in the group’s litany of Van’s crimes against decency.
Anyway, Van did try to chat with me. She said I looked as though I had lost weight. Honestly, the girl has met me a grand total of two times before, so it wasnt exactly a whole big conversation starter, but I was extremely pleasant and indulging about the whole thing.
Before Lauren came over and the subsequent mass exodus, we played Kings and Categories. We ALWAYS play Kings and Categories. It’s the most intellectual drinking game I’ve ever seen (which isnt saying a lot), and theoretically it ensures that everyone gets drunk. I drank Cactus Cooler mixed with reasonable amounts of Bacardi O. Nick mixed a drink that seemed to be the secret recipe for pickel brine. That’s what it smelled like. It tasted like weak beer, to me, and I think Mike. Mike and I can stomach a lot more of certain stuff like Durian jellies and beer-brine.
Ack! Geocities is offline for the weekend!!!
Anyway, after so many people left, it was down to me, Sarah, the Nicks, and Peter. He showed us Brian’s web site, which allegedly has a pic of me on it somewhere. I dont have the energy to look through all the pics. Pete has a nice pic of me in his photo album, and after last night, Nick has some nice blackmail pictures of me. Hehe. He also showed us a video of Kottonmouth Kings videos. Pete has a thing for white rap groups. He lovers ICP. Meh. He’s also a republican.
We always talk a LOT when we party. I know sooooo much about everyone by now. I mean, really, we all flow well together. It’ll be great next year. We talked a lot about family pets, or they did. They didn’t really let me tell my story because they were drunk, but their stories were so bittersweet. Nick, despite his general build/personality, has a soft spot for animals. He lovers them! He told us about this dog, Monkey, who they passed from home to home because she was crippled and too needy, and they finally put her with a needy guy who had just been left by his wife. I think the whole topic started from Nick telling Sarah how he and three girls had blown four bowls of smoke in Nick II’s face, and then Sarah and Nick started talking about how much cats like doing that…and then I think I mentioned that Scraps had just died, and there you have it.
Anyway, Nick II is really touchy-feely when sober and moreso when drunk. Nick kept trying to convince Nick II to sleep with me, whatta pal, eh? Nick II wasn’t quite drunk enough to try, especially after seeing all the pics of his girlfriend on Brian’s site. Still, we molested each other all night, all through the Del Taco run. I hate to admit it, but it was good for me. Nick II likes to massage people and has very skilled fingers. I could feel him releasing knots in my back. I think Nick was expecting me to pull away from Nick II, but I didn’t because it was sooo comfortable, and I knew I would fall asleep easily later. Plus Nick II was kinda cute. Blah blah blah details. Nick tried to get me to confess that I wanted Nick II, and yeah, he was cute, but I didn’t feel anything towards him like I have for some people.
Peter is mean to Lauren, but he’s ALWAYS nice to me. He leapt to my defense when he thought Nick II was being mean. He was like “Hey, hey! Kat’s a nice girl!” The whole night after the first people left, Sarah and I were attended. It was great. Sarah is a princess, but I’m a queen. Guys like me as a pal, but they also recognize Im more innocent than Sarah, and they get protective of me.
Anyway, yeah. We went to Del Taco. Dropped the boys off. Sarah dropped me off. I went upstairs, and Wynnde had covered my computer monitor with my good sweater. Dammit!! I only have one good ANYTHING. But I took it to mean she cant sleep with light on, so I slept in the TV room. I had woken her up when I came in, though. She wanted the dollar I owed her, and I sent her to check my overall pockets upstairs, and she said it wasnt there, so I told her to wake me up when she woke up and I’d go on campus with her and get the money. Then she sat down and told me how Murphy Hall is trying to screw her, personally. I mean, Murphy Hall sucks ass for red tape and whatnot, but its nothing personal.
OK, someone has been reading my site for long amounts of time at a go, but I havent gotten any hits to my guestbook. Hit up my guestbook, yo! Oh wait…it could be John…but still!
Anyway, Wynnde got me up at like 9 this morning, and I did my thing so now Im at the lab, trying to save up the energy to go home. Rawr.
I really don’t feel a thing. What’s a hangover? What’s drunk. My body doesnt react normally to stuff. Yay?
I need to stop saying “Anyway…” its like saying “Regardless” or “Like” every sentence. Fuck Uncle Dave.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Dog’s Life by Kottonmouth Kings
getting religion
2002-05-18-11:50 a.m.
I want to start having quotes from various religious sources. I’m lazy, so for right now, Imma just bum em offa Lisa. Plus, yeah, the last/only time I’ve read a fulltext bible was when I was standing on teh frickin beema when I was 12.
Matthew 6:5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites [are]: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6:6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
fascinating new thing
2002-05-20-1:09 a.m.
I can’t wait till I have a car. My parents have a serious inability to get me back to the house on weekends.
I think I know what would make sex really great: compilation CD’s…I want a lover to make a CD of all the songs that make me feel high when I hear them. Some of them are not even my favorite songs, there’s just something about them that makes my heart fly. It would have to be a LONG CD, too…not just because there are a lot of songs that make me soar like that.
I’ve been deluged with fantasies lately. I blame the D.A.M.S. for the party. But I also had this dream about CSz camp last night. Why do I always dream about Asian guys? Not that I mind, but damn. I mean, yeah, I have Yellow Fever, but I also have Jungle Fever, Scarlet Fever, and..and..um…everything else too. I toy with the idea of making an actual effort to drop the extra thirty or forty pounds just to have my pick of people…of course, my disfigured face would probably thwart me a little…
When I’m thin, Im going to be like LeeLee Sobieski’s character in Never Been Kissed. Nerdy, but in a really hot, independent, free-spirited way. Basically me already, but cuter.
I met Ari’s dogs and father today. I still have yet to meet her brother. I think she ate him. Daddy took Toby and I to Eat’s Cafe before he took me home the LOOOOOOOONG way. I took a nap and then Y? woke me ot tell me Mattia and LIsa were downstairs ordering from Jerry’s, so I went down and taught Mattia about ways to make eggs and I ordered Matzah Ball Soup and it was good and we watched 10 Things I Hate About You AND Never Been Kissed and now Im upstairs.
Lisa’s spending the night at the lab. Im going to bring her water. It’s really late, and Im sleepy, but my Syntax homework got pushed back to Thursday, so Im OK for right now, and maybe Patrick can work with me Tuesday.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- FNT by Semisonic — a definite Fantasy Ultimate Compilation CD (FUCCD ;Þ) song.
- All You Wanted by Michelle Branch
little lamb…
2002-05-21-10:02 p.m.
*high pitched scream* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
OK, you may have noticed I changed my site a little. Anyone have any better suggestions for the colors?
DID YOU WATCH THE ANGEL AND BUFFY FINALES?!!! OMG!!! Connor and Dawnie and and LILAH AND WES and Awwww…I think Im officially in love with Amy Acker now…and Yay! No more Uber-Evil Willow. And the thing is…THREE MORE MONTHS UNTIL NEW EPS! Unbe-fucking-lievable. Angel’s gonna be on the bottom og the ocean for THREE months?!! That’s awful!!!!! I’d go nuts. Im claustrophobic. I would be even if I was immortal! And Lisa was all glad when Groo left, but I said “just wait, I’ll get my revenge” cause I KNEW and then I laughed at Lisa when Cordy was taken up. And and and…yeah!!! I wonder if Willow will have to go into seclusion like Wesley did. And GILES YAY! And SPIIIIKE! He has a SOUUUUL! Which means maybe Marti Noxon isnt the bitch of the world. *giggles* I hope he’s all like…a beautiful blend of William and Spike. A poet warrior type thing, only not as campy. Y’know, after he gets over the whole gut-wrenching guilt thing. “The one sired by the Vampire with a soul will kill the demon Sahjahn.” Hmm…preggies Buffy?
Anyway, Patrick helped me on Syntax today and is gonna help me again tomorrow. At 5pm. Because he’s cool. I owe him something.
Tim and I have yet to do dinner. I should call him soon. OK, I’m calling.
I have this nifty pocket on the side of these jeans for my cell phone. The only thing is that for some reason, now all the letters on my cell are like, REALLY big, and I can’t figure out how to get them back down to normal size. Yeah, that would be why taking the manual with me would be a GOOD idea. Shaddup.
I’m going to do something like this with my Utopiate Nation website, with the embedded windows thingy. Now that I know how. I gots tha power! It’s kinda funny because I keep the design link on here, even though I totally recoded everything. I just took the common script, really. I guess that’s just me.
It occurs to me that people have a lot of anger, or at least get angry about really stupid things, like juiceboxes. I get mad about children being tied into beds in Romania. Aside from that, I think I’m way too Zen for my own good.
My dad likes that I listen to Etta James now. She’s got this truly classic voice. I don’t know why he was so surprised. I love that old classy stuff. I just ALSO like rock and/or roll.
I helped Patrick make his title page for his essay on The Simpsons for his English class. I want a class like that!!! The title page printed out WAY pretty, though.
My bilingualism teacher shot my research idea down a lot, even though my research methods teacher was way gung ho about it. I wonder if the Psych department KNOWS their symbol looks like a pitchfork…
I looked into a minor in Atmosphric Sciences today. I could do it. It would be cool, maybe even fairly easy. Just seven classes, and I’ve taken 2 of them already. Hmm…or maybe a history minor? hahahahahahahahaha! I amuse me.
Two people “corrected” me today, repeating exactly what I just had said back to me…yeah, I dont get it either.
Songs are fighting in my head…
Song(s) most stuck in my head:
- FNT by Semisonic
- At Last by Etta James
- Someone to Watch Over Me as sung by Etta James — “I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the woods. I know I could always be good…to one who watched over me….
change is different
2002-05-22-10:46 a.m.
I snapped at Y? last night. I feel sort of bad, but I just can’t take it anymore, and I CAN’T snap at Wynnde. I feel really awful about it, and yet I don’t. Like I said, Im way too Zen. I think I KNOW I ought to be ashamed more than I really am. At least this time there is no question of who has to apologize to whom.
Blah. I’ve been adding lyrics to my HallOfMirrorsrorriMfOllaH lately. I used to have ambition about this, but I think the Oldies page took it out of me.
Im still looking for a better color scheme. I know I like purple, but there’s too much of that one shade. And I think I need some blue, and Wynnde suggested yellow, which may be OK if it’s in moderation. And maybe I’ll add a links box to take up more of the page. There should be some little sticker you can put on all your sites that says “Looks best on a —- X — resolution, and if you dont have at LEAST that resolution, you suck too much to talk to. Go away.” *nods*
variations on a theme
2002-05-23-12:05 p.m.
Johnny made me new bg’s from the current one. Now I need to choose among them. They’re very very very pretty. I may even look into seasonal themes…why does “seasonal” always mean X-mas? Alllllways. To me, winter is blues and whites and blacks, not because of Channukah, but because, I mean, LOOK at it…ok, maybe Im not a first-hand expert on “winter”, California only has summer, and not-summer (though this year it’s been more fall and not-fall. woo. global warming.), but in the Midwest, yeah…lots and lots of ice, and pure azure skies. Cold beauty.
I cant WAIT till camp. I realized last night that I cannot remember what the restrooms were like in the dorm there. Have I blocked it out? Has my performer’s blood censored it? Will it seem familiar when I see it? Did I even go INTO a bathroom while I was there?!! I must have, and yet. Not that I make special memories of my bathroom trips, but it’s qualia! I remember almost everything else so perfectly from three years ago. I even remember that twink Eagle Scout wossname. Yeah, he was special. I will never forget what year I Did It All For the Nookie came out. On the other hand, I think that was why I entered college so confidently. Someone had LIKED me, I had allowed them to, and then I had been able to drop them when it turned out he was a dorkface. *nod*
Last night, I hung around after work waiting for Lisa while I redid my colors and she finished up work. See my colors? I can make them even more differenter, but I’m having problems actualizing it.
After that, we went to Ralphs, and there was much rejoicing. I got chocolate whipped cream…yeah, that wasn’t a brilliant health maneuver on my part, but its goooooooooood. When did Stouffer’s get expensive again? Grr. On the other hand, you can always count on Budget Gourmet when you’ve run out of will to have a decent blood pressure. We NEED to get there when the deli is open one of these days. I NEED my chicken and beef. Those sandwiches are probably the best things I eat all day. Of course all of this would be MOOT if I could ever remember to take my multi-vitamin.
I’m being late for Syntax right now. I hate to leave Patrick hanging, but he knows I can’t pay attention to that woman. He thinks she’s a great teacher, which is cool. She seems really nice. I’ll come in at the hour-break and make plans to meet Patrick after my discussion.
Tomorrow Jennifer will be here. I will make nice. I will. I always do. I think I’m always waiting for my mom’s permission to tell off a member of her family, but it never comes. They’re just so unbelievably DUMB, and it’s not genetic, I can tell you. Some of it’s trauma, I guess, cause I know they’ve all been traumatized, but there should be a time when they have to step up to the plate. Jennifer has to some extent, I guess, but it took her for-fucking-ever. I wonder if that obeys the rules of infixation. I keep forgetting them. I should look through my phonology book and see if its in there. *eg*. It is most certainly how linguists get their jollies.
My hair is soft and shiny, and now Im going for long and purple. 
I’ll probably get sick of purple before it’s even washed out, but there’s always red. I wonder what it will be like to have long hair again. Im just sick of seeing my shadow look all…triangularly male.
I need to relearn how to type. I type really really fast, but I only use two fingers in conjunction with my thumb. I could be faster if I could ever get my ring fingers and pinkies to rest on the board.
I had a dream about Mattia and someone Mattia likes. I wonder if it was a premonition. I would be very amused if it was. Sometimes I tell people things back the them they SWORE they havent told me, but I know anyway. It’s happened maybe three or four times. I also get seriously awful deja vu which I understand is just a phisiological synapse firing thing, but STILL. I get it alot.
I want to write a rock song. My poems/lyrics are never incredibly clever, never have that jerking twist at the end. I WANT that!!!
isle of view
2002-05-23-3:45 p.m.
OK, so I didn’t QUITE make it to class. John had left me a rather ominous-sounding message this morning, and I had to reboot my computer, sign on, and get into my email to check up on it. It resulted int he aforementioned bgs. :Þ But by the time I did get to class, I kinda felt bad, so I sat outside and read up on the last chapter, waiting for the class to be done.
There were these Asian girls waiting for the next class to begin. This guy came up, smiling, laughing, he sat right between the girls, very much at home. The girls laughed when he did, even if I could tell they didn’t really think something was funny. They turned into groupies right in front of me. It was kinda cool/sad/strange.
Patrick’s gf came out of the class across the way and we talked a little. She’s really cool. I made her laugh. Bwahahahaha. I like making people laugh. Humor is a form of mind control. :Þ Naw, but it is fun and gratifying. She left to go to her next class.
Finally Hilda let the class out, I made plans with Patrick, went to my discussion (15 minutes on how to write a quasi-APA-style paper in language acquisition), went to Northern Lights, bought this Berry Blast Naked Juice thingy that among other things has 300% DV Vitamin E!! I need that sooo much. I do NOT heal. It only took me ten minutes to sit there with the display fridge door open looking at all the labels, too. OK, so yum.
Patrick is saving me. A LOT. And he’s funny at it. I feel soooo bad because I asked him if anyone had ever told him he looks like David Duchovny. I hid my eyes while I did it, just in case. Apparently the question brought back traumatic memories from Jr. High for him. But he DOES. It’s uncanny! If Duchovny was, like, blonde and less than 5′10″, it would totally be Patrick! Patrick is mostly Welsh. I thought I read somewhere that Duchovny is Scottish, but there could be SOME genetic mingling on the Isle, yes?
Anyway, I’m starting to get syntax. I don’t OWN it yet, but Patrick makes it easier. He’s like, this month’s Zach. :Þ
so this is “like”, mmm-mm-mm-mmmm..
2002-05-27-2:06 p.m.
Long weekend, broken down by day:
Friday night:
Went to my classes, napped until 7 when Lisa woke me up to get me to work, but I teased her and took a REALLY long time to do it, posing and teasing, which wasnt smart because it turned out I was supposed ot work at 6 (eep.), worked, convinced Lisa to order Jerry’s and bring it to me. We had a picnic and talked to Sofia. It was fun. Lisa went back, I went back, found Lisa and Y? talking, sat, talked with them, gave each of them heart attacks with my audacious hilarity, and much flashings of my bra, got picked up by my daddy, sister, and cousin Jen, went home, talked with my sister and cousin as we played with the dogs, went online, tried to make friends, met someone from Harvard who was kinda cool, logged off, tried to shut down around 4am, tried to get my sister off the loveseat into her room, got thwarted by her bein stubborn and bigger ‘n me, stretched out on my couch, fell asleep with the TV on, but on Mute, and all the lights on.
Saturday:
Woke up early early as my mom came home from her vacation, bitching about how dirty the house was, how all the lights were on, how her computer wasnt shut down properly, etc. My dad took Toby, Jen, and I to 3rd Street to see some friends perform, but we couldnt find them. We DID see this awesome quintet of black guys singing oldies. Three of them were way thugged out. The fifth guy was high yellow and didnt get there until we were ready to leave anyway. There was also this group of parents with their little little kids fresh out of ballet class. They requested Spiderman, and the group sang Itsy Bitsy Spider and veriations on it, including a hip hop version. Then they sang “California Girls” by the Beach Boys…
The WEST COOAAST! has the sunshine
And the girls all get so tanned..”
Hehehehehehe. I’ve had “Why Do Fools Fall in Love?” stuck in my head forever now. I blame them. They rocked soooo hard though. They were funny. After that, we went to the beach because Jen had never seen the ocean. She collected California Sand in a baggie. Minnesota sand is just rocks. It’s not soft and warm. Then we went to the Pier. We walked all the way to the end of the Pier and looked out over the ocean. I was wearing a v-neck T-shirt. I know this because i have a v-shaped sunburn on my chest. My face is tanned some. It’s pretty. On the way back down the pier, we saw these awesome musicians playing handmade woodwinds (pan pipes, flutes, windsticks, and the like). Daddy gave the first band we saw his card. We saw these fingerpainters too, and we bought one that was a desert scene for Sonora. It’s brilliant, really. Anyway, since our breakfast had been Farmer’s Market fruit and diabetes-inducing hot chocolate (but Jen had had this strawberry milk boba and dad had coffee), we met mom for lunch near my house. Then I got back home and went straight to sleep, until I got roused and I can’t remember why…
Sunday: When I finally logged off the computer, I couldn’t sleep. I had a panic attack. I called John. He talked to me for an hour about some things that made me more happy about my life in general. Went to sleep around 4:30. Woke up around 9, played online, got cut off by Lauren around 10 calling to ask if Y? and I wanted to go to 99 Ranch with her and Sarah. We all went, ate at the Vietnamese place next door (I ate fish sauce on accident. Yuck yuck yuck!!!), bought much sugar (including these strawberry-icing-filled vegetarian marshmallows and mango mochi!!) The others bought stuff for spring rolls. Went back to the D.A.M.S’ crib, watched them make the stuff for the spring rolls, ate, learned how to roll a spring roll like a spring roll, not like a burrito, went out for hot vanilla with Y? and Sarah, got taken home buy Lauren, and went online.
Now here’s where it gets fun…I made a new friend! I went into Yahoo chat…which I normally hate with a burning passion…and…made a friend. I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say about him, but he’s definitely a new friend. My computer was going wonky, so I let him call me, and we talked all night. We got off the phone about 5 am this morning. We talked about lots and lots. First conversations with intelligent people are always good for me…
Someone taught me how to make DogProxy work. It’s fairly pointless, but a nifty little tool.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Why Do Fools Fall In Love?
- So This is Love from Disney’s Cinderella
- California Girls by the Beach Boys
- Magical Mystery Tour by the Beatles
history in the breaking
2002-05-28-11:23 a.m.
Yesterday was…well…I dont know. Like it didn’t exist, and yet it totally did.
I woke up at noon, putted around the house for a while, went back to sleep around 3, woke up around 8. Rob called and invited me over to a Memorial Day barbecue thingy. Marc hadn’t called yet, so I left my cell number with Caron and skedaddled. On the way, I stopped at the convenience store and bought cherry-filled chocolates and fudge squares. Cause Im nice like that.
Rob, his roommate, Rob (collectively known as the Robbi), their friend Anna (I think that’s her name), and Trevor were there. It was cool. I felt all grown up. There were tortillas, sauteed onions and tomatoes, strips of beef, and grilled corn. Trevor graciously gave up his corn for me (”I’m not a big corn person.” Yuh-huh. Suuuurrre.), and we all et muchly and Anna (I hope that’s her name) and I discussed the Sims, and we all talked about computer games in general (ohhh yeah. Geek convention.), and we toasted Memorial Day (”To death!”), and I drank Coke, and they drank wine and beer, and Marc called, but I said to call back in a couple hours, and then we began to watch this Monty Python documentary. Trevor had to leave early, and I had to leave soon after, to make sure I would catch a bus.
Which isnt to say I didn’t get anything accomplished this weekend. I did finish the language questionnaire for my bilingualism project, but Serge didn’t come to the first half of lecture today, so I couldn’t give him the URL. I skipped out on the second half of class today, which is why Im at the lab right now.
Anyway, after I got home last night, and I started the questionnaire, Marc called and we talked again. It’s so…so…something to talk to someone that long. I wish I was better at thinking up questions though. Im horrible at interrogating people, and that makes me self-conscious, and then I babble about my own life. I think one of the reasons I started blogging was I thought, maybe if I tell EVERYONE EVERYTHING, then I wouldn’t do it in actual conversation as much…damn.
Gorgeous does not mean pretty. Sexy does not mean attractive…man, I hope this works.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- It’s All Been Done by Barenaked Ladies — Hehe, I woke Caron up with it. At least it wasnt a Morning Song!
the other woman
2002-05-29-4:50 p.m.
An AIM conversation I had today (names and faces have been changed to protect our…uh…names).
Kat: *giggles* guess what? I’m the “other woman”!
friend: Lucy, you got some ’splainin to do
friend: lol
friend: ?
friend: whose other woman are ya?
friend: 
Kat: *laughs* my psych lab partner’s live-in gf decided he and I were having an affair, ripped my number out of his notebook and threw it away
Kat: AND she now calls me when he has to talk to me and supervises the message.
friend: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
friend: tell her that if she doesn’t stop calling your girlfriend is gonna get really jealous and beat her up
friend: lol
Kat: I had a weird message on my machine this morning. “Hi, Kat. This is Ann (and Im like, who the FUCK is Ann?!). Ken is going to leave you a message now.” “Hi, Kat, this is Ken, blah blah blah…”
Kat: LOL
friend: tell her that your girlfriend doesn’t understand why this chick keeps calling you and that she doesn’t believe your story bout your friend…lol
Kat: LOL
Kat: eeevil
friend: welll, YEAH!
friend: lol
Kat: hehehe
friend: otherwise what’s the point??
friend:
Kat: Im just like…”dude, maybe if she MET me, she’d be like…”ohhhhh”" and he was like “no, its just her being wierd”
friend: jealous freak!!
Kat: *giggles* Im all amused by this.
friend: me too 
Kat: Plus, my partner is all..like…OLD and stuff. he’s 32, yo.
Kat: I mean, yeah Im 20 and buxom and whatnot…but I have STANDARDS…
friend:
Kat: *rolls eyes* 
I wonder if she’s gonna show up when its time to write up the report together.
friend: lol
friend: she’ll send him out with an “Ann-cam” strapped to his head
friend: lol
friend: it’ll broadcast in real-time to her house
friend: lol
Kat: *laughs* we’ll suddenly hear this voice from his backpack “What’s that you’re writing? ANOVA? Is that some kind of sick code?!!”
friend: *cracks up*
Kat: *grins* OK…once more into the breech! gotta go back to class. can you save this convo and email it to me? I wanna put it in my blog.
friend: Yep
I just realized I chat like a 15 year old, but funnier. Thanks, M.
moontanned
2002-05-29-8:42 p.m.
My legs are “whiter than falwell,” in the words of Lisa. I Nair’d. I lotion’d. I apricot scrubb’d. Be afraid. Fear my legs.
I took the legs off my jeans (woo! convertible shorts!) today. My legs havent seen sun…REAL sun, that is…in about 4 or 5 years. I got skin cancer when I was a teenager. It was a thing. With needles. And knives. I got the net, got over the whole “outdoor activity” thing. But now, I kinda remember how good my legs were when they were brown. My arms, my face, -I- was brown. I was more of my daddy’s daughter. On the other hand, laying out in the sun is basically the cosmic equivalent of microwaving your own flesh.
I’m gonna die this quarter. I hate Syntax. I just need to pass. That’s it. I need to do 2 homeworks tonight and I should be fine. Praise Patrick. I’ve been thinking of seeing if U-Dub has a Linguistics or Psych department. Im kind of enamored of the idea of getting a PhD, just to be a Doctor without touching anything icky. Seattle would be cool. I could also always look into Boston just to bug Y?. =D
U-Dub actually seems pretty good. I wonder if I could survive up there after all. Gods, they only accepted 30 people last year…
Italians are everywhere. Mattia, Rob, Marc, the new female…oh yeah! the new female! Rozana Carucci or something! Raedell is moving back to Kansas and we’re getting someone with a Master of Science in College Personnel Management or something like that! Well, I’ll be gone by the time she comes, or maybe I won’t, it kinda depends on Brian, or if we can find someone else to take his spot. If we can’t, I may have to stay here ANOTHER year. Grr…I’ll go nuts.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Hey Jude by the Beatles
- It’s a Hard Life by Queen
- A Kind of Magic by Queen
friend or no?
2002-06-02-8:54 p.m.
Is it so much to want to know where i stand with people? Maybe I cannot find the snake oil way to put some things, but I’ve never been good at tact. I’m blunt and straightforward, and I expect others to be like that too. But people play all these stupid GAMES…not calling, not calling BACK, not following through, keeping secrets overtly (a la “I have a secret, nyah nyah nyah nyah”), and so forth.
I don’t get why people are taken aback by questions like “Are we friends?” Its the most obvious question. I mean, I hate to be one of those people who defines relationships, but I’d at least like to know when the other person thinks we’re in one. Y’know?
I also detest when people distance themselves from me without giving me a reason. Its the shittiest thing in the world to do. My life would be a lot easier if people just came up to me and were like “We’re not going to speak for a week because I need space. Cool?” or “This isn’t where I would like my life to go, so I need distance, all right?” ooh…scary…communication.
Im supposed to be studying for a Psych midterm which is tomorrow at 1, but Im procrastinating. I don’t know why. Well, partially because people keep trying to mediate stuff, but I could have NOT been online. Im helping at the lab now until the guard changes. I could just go study and ignore everyone…except I cant ignore people. That’s partially why I never get anything accomplished on my overnight shifts.
Secrets bug me the most though. I just don’t believe in them. I believe in sneaking around to a degree, but I not in outright secrets. To me there’s no such thing as a family secret. The only time I don’t tell someone something is when Im trying to figure out how to do it. But I’ve always been considered the bitch. Everyone says they want honesty but they just hate and/or resent you if you are always honest.
Im considering goign to see Myles’ show The Hunchback of North Dakota. Myles is IN Comedy Sportz. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. No fair. And I pretty much got resentful looks when I offered my CSz knowledge at the meeting today. I was the only actor there. I got TOLD to show, I showed. And I got talked over the whole time, not that I had a whole lot to offer. But apparently Taco-girl is a beloved character. Good to know.
Teriyaki sauce is sticky. Bras with shoulder padding are ugly but disturbingly comfortable. Green is NOT one of those colors that goes with everything. Especially icky pale sticky green or dark germy green. Even less so when mixed with red. Im gonna be SOOO sick before finals are over. I have soooooo much to do! Its just not good. Ji is supposed to come out this weekend. Terrific. Maybe we can convince her to move it back to Father’s Day like she originally planned so we can DO stuff.
I want.
chat excerpt
2002-06-03-1:09 a.m.
[SYSTEM]: rahtz2 has entered the chat.
[LadyArtemis]: hi
[rahtz2]: hello
[LadyArtemis]: whore you?
[LadyArtemis]: oops
[LadyArtemis]: who're you?
[rahtz2]: ~blinks~
[millisa]: don't let her fool you. she was making an offer,
not asking you who you were.
[LadyArtemis]: sometimes you just cant forget the apostrophe
[millisa]: the second part is a scam
[rahtz2]: well Vlad42o is standing beside me tellng me to tell
u hello
LadyArtemis kicks aaron lovingly
[rahtz2]: and i am his wife
[millisa]: see? she says its love . . .
[LadyArtemis]: uhhh...ok.
[millisa]: but we know the truth
[LadyArtemis]: hallo
LadyArtemis kicks aaron lovingly again
[LadyArtemis]: ARGH! DAMMIT!!! John looks GOOD! fucker.
[rahtz2]: *vlad* I'm hurt if you don't remember me...we spoke
on a regular basis at one point
[LadyArtemis]: um...I *sorta* remember you. but Ive done a lot
of studying since, and stuff tends to fall out.
[millisa]: and she's been whor *mmph*
millisa pulls the hand away from his mouth.
[rahtz2]: *V* I understand....Sah right, I tend to be easily
fogotten...course, I talked to you too, aaron, back in the
orriginal Arc....Long ago, in a land not forgotten
[millisa]: i recollect the name, not any of the conversations
. . . i have an excuse.
[LadyArtemis]: yeah, he's gots amnesia
[LadyArtemis]: done one too many drugs
[millisa]: well, short term localized anyways
[millisa]: but i like to think it effects long term too.
[rahtz2]: *V* Eh, I don't mind....I usually prefer to be
forgotten...but I'm going to turn this thing over to my lovely
wife again...be nice, please....She's still new and
ummmmm....fragile
[LadyArtemis]: *rubs hands together* new flesh, eh?
[millisa]: she's all about flesh. see?!
[rahtz2]: O_o
[LadyArtemis]: *flexes her fingers and thwacks aaron*
[rahtz2]: :reachs and grabs Vlad from moveing seeing he
started this~
LadyArtemis laughs: heeeeere newbie, newbie, newbie!
[rahtz2]: <_<
[millisa]: its getting worse out there . . .maybe i'll go put
the old kitty litter in front of the air purifier . . . it
just smells too fresh out there.
[rahtz2]: >_>
[LadyArtemis]: eeeew
[LadyArtemis]: *giggles* I just saw Dazed and Confused. My new
official stance is to do what the seniors did to the kid
whose older sister asked them to go easy on him
[rahtz2]: *V* Eh, some of us are still around from the old
days...besides, the wife has to see some of the places I
frequent
[LadyArtemis]: hehe. dont you want your wife to like you? why
bring her HERE?
[millisa]: i only saw the movie once and dont recollect it
[millisa]: yeah? this place is a *dump*
[LadyArtemis]: not a dump, just inhabited by sadistic
S.O.B.'s
[millisa]: that smell fresher and fresher every minute.
[LadyArtemis]: hehehehe
[rahtz2]: *V*Still, I like it....at least theres a place to go
that is a reminder of what once was...and the wife does
like me...maybe not as much after showing her here, but
still.....*chuckles*
[rahtz2]: ..
[LadyArtemis]: *grins* have you regaled her with tales of
debauchery and whatnot?
[rahtz2]: No, I wanted to leave that to you
[Bishop]: There was debauchery here in the old days?
[Bishop]: I don't remember much of that.
[millisa]: she just got done debauching and is ready to
debauch again
[rahtz2]: *v* That is, if your up to it still....I know that
old age thing tends to kick in...*waits to get smacked for
that*
[LadyArtemis]: oh...ok...WELL...see one time, Vald an' me an
DrBadAsh were caught in this chat room in the middle of a
Hanson/Manson fight...and like, we had to defuse it and we only
had a couple minnutes before the Big Mod would come in and
put the kibosh on the whole thing...so we did the only thing
we COULD do...started an orgy right there.
[LadyArtemis]: Soon everyone was suckin and ----in' and
everything was gravy. awww yeah.
[LadyArtemis]: or that may have just been an episode of the
Mod Squad...I get confused.
[rahtz2]: lol
[millisa]: details details!
[millisa]: was it beef or poultry gravy?!
[LadyArtemis]: fish.
[millisa]: and were there biscuits?
[rahtz2]: Yeppers..lots of em
[millisa]: Wow.
[millisa]: I once had an experience much like that.
[LadyArtemis]: *laughs* well, some of the hanson girls were
-bumpin- biscuits...
[rahtz2]: damn hate i miss al lthat
[rahtz2]: *v* Remember, some of these posts are from the wife
and some from me...if I remember to mark mine we'll be
allright..remember..member...I have one of those
[LadyArtemis]: hehehe
[LadyArtemis]: I'll say
[rahtz2]: O_o i aint even going to ask
[rahtz2]: ~covers ears~
[LadyArtemis]: *grins*
[rahtz2]: *v* See, now that I'm married I have to be a good
boy and not go around doin things like that......
[LadyArtemis]: and then, vlad, remember that one time when we
had to deal with those blonde-haired, blue-eyed Indianan
triplets? the ones with the huge-mongous...you know.
[rahtz2]: dont let him lie to ya either
[LadyArtemis]: *grins*
[rahtz2]: *v* I'm innocent now....don't talk about triplets
and their huge-mongous...Umm..yeahs!!!....
[millisa]: OooOooh! winamp decided to pick out 'the mission'
by 'special ed' from the mix
[rahtz2]: innocent ell dont belive a word of that cuz im
siting here looking for the lightening tohit
[millisa]: this thing is ancient . . . and amusing.
[LadyArtemis]: *laughs* yeah, I didnt think so. you cat
reclaim your innocence, yo.
[LadyArtemis]: anyway, I still have all the pictures.
[rahtz2]: *v* UhhhhOhhhhh...Pictures?...I know nosink, you
hear me?...nosink at all
[rahtz2]: oh i want to see this ~smirkes~
[LadyArtemis]: *giggles* oh sure...you know...you bought me
the polaroid camera and was like "OK, now get me doing THIS to
them!"
[rahtz2]: *v* all I can do is laugh and plead the fifth....
[LadyArtemis]: and then you made that website "My weekend of
loooooove" *counts o's* yeah...
[rahtz2]: lol
[rahtz2]: *v* was I drunk?
[LadyArtemis]: pfft...a little high maybe...but I know enough
not to let you mix that much coke with alcohol.
[rahtz2]: ~blinks blinks~
[rahtz2]: *v* at least you kept me
alive.....WoooHooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[rahtz2]: *v* you know, i might get in trouble for this
later?....but then, where's the fun if you dont?
[LadyArtemis]: alive? pfft. I just wanted to make sure we'd
get the room deposit back.
[millisa]: thankfully it wasn't one of those fancy 24 hour
room places
[rahtz2]: trouble he will not get into he making me lok like
some kind of mean old bitch O_o
[LadyArtemis]: cause I can JUST see you coming back from the
dead to bitch me out about losing that much money.
[LadyArtemis]: naw, it was an hourly motel.
[LadyArtemis]: but we got it for the weekend, ergo the
deposit.
[Bishop]: Damnit, somehow during the course of editing I think
I lost the flowing from one topic to another.
[LadyArtemis]: hehe...dont worry too much, bish. :p
[rahtz2]: *v* So can I....but it all worked out in the
end....we left and they were still hitch-hiking up I-79
[LadyArtemis]: yeah, but then we picked up those other
hitchhikers...those two hairy guys, remember?
[millisa]: i'm not that hairy!
[LadyArtemis]: and I was like..."Dude, those are the two
wanted murderers!" and you were like "Oh, c'mon, LadyA...you
think every man in flannel, crusted blood, and that has a beard
is a murderer"
[rahtz2]: *v* Hey, they were for you, not me...besides, all
the poloroids had you in them...and the things you did, well,
my uncle the sailor was blushing at them
[LadyArtemis]: *laughs* and then Aaron murdered the other
guy.
[millisa]: it was hot, he was hogging the seat and looking out
my window
[millisa]: besides *YOU* didnt want to stop and i was hungry
[LadyArtemis]: dude, that wasnt me. that was YOU in my
lingerie
[LadyArtemis]: you were REALLY fucked up.
[rahtz2]: *v* Yeah, but it's all good...BTW, did you ever get
that smell out of your trunk?
[LadyArtemis]: naw, but after you left, Aaron set my car on
fire, so it was moot.
[rahtz2]: *v* So thats why the fire trucks went that way?...I
thought that maybe one of you two were just stuck in a tree
again
[LadyArtemis]: *laughs* no, but wasnt THAT party a hoot?
[LadyArtemis]: I didnt even know that many wasted people could
be flung so high!
[Bishop]: I'm going to make an egg.
[rahtz2]: *v* I don't remember much....except that really
strange feelin the next day....Like I had forgotten someone,
somewhere.....
[millisa]: what was I supposed to do? i couldn't finish him
all in one sitting and we didnt have a cooler. I'm not into
littering and there just aren't enough quarries between
vegas and your house.
[LadyArtemis]: I have to give you props for getting that
mini-catapult to work, though
[millisa]: *drool* siiiiiiege engines.
[LadyArtemis]: *pats Aaron* shh...I know, I know..
[rahtz2]: *v* so, about that trojan
[rahtz2]: Horse!!!!!...I know what yer thinkin
[LadyArtemis]: *sighs* I TOLD you he was trouble...or do you
mean the one that broke?
[LadyArtemis]: *laughs*
[millisa]: by the way, how is your kid?
[LadyArtemis]: yeah, that was Vlad's nickname...Horse...
[LadyArtemis]: oh, he's fine. I tell him Santa Clause is his
daddy...cause...yeah...you know. Only comes once a year...
[rahtz2]: *v* Wow, LadyA...I think you need someone new...I at
least make it twice
[LadyArtemis]: oh sure, NOW that youre off the smack!
[rahtz2]: *v* Yeah, well....those days are gone now...I'm all
clean....finally took a bath after that last trip
[LadyArtemis]: you should have seen him back in the day. He
had all this kinky equipment, and it wasnt because he was
kinky, it was just to put off the fact he was basically
impotent.
[millisa]: That combo bong penis enlarger was my favorite.
[millisa]: I mean the two looked similar, but who would have
put them together?
[millisa]: genius I say.
[LadyArtemis]: so he'd, like, tie these girls up in the room,
and just TORTURE them...until...you know...he could perform
himself.
[LadyArtemis]: LOL
[rahtz2]: *v* What do you mean, was?....And your the one that
got stuck while usin it
[LadyArtemis]: right ON! I miss that one!
[rahtz2]: *v* I told you, you dont suck and pump at the same
time, but did you listen?....Noooooooo
[LadyArtemis]: *laughs* well, you know how impetuous Aaron
is.
[millisa]: I just dont have the motor skills.
Im so funny.
minority
2002-06-04-10:29 a.m.
Im struggling with myself about this whole livejournal thing. It seems like every LGBT on campus has one. It also seems like weak sauce to have to keep two journals. On the other hand, if I can make mine private, I can blog as my characters, and maybe that will give me some space to breathe in my writing. After all, I mostly just want the journal for the html code thingy and the auto update client thingy. It’s also fairly cheap to join for a paid account, though if I’m not doing much more than writing my characters, I can’t quite justify the investment just to make it look good. I haven’t seen a truly beautiful paid account so far anyway. Diaryland is one of the only only web-based systems I’ve seen that really lets you have some amount of control over your blog. Actually, its only 54 dollars for a year of Supergold membership, which includes advertising and individual comments. I could have the money after this weekend…At least my g-book is pretty now.
Yesterday just sucked monkey. A lot of it. Like a hooker in the jungle. Yeah, I don’t know what that means either.
I had stayed up (mostly) all night studying for my Psych midterm. I went, took the midterm, and I think I probably fucked up. I don’t GET it. I always ace the practice exams, but I choke on the real tests. And its not like I really choke, I’ve never done that, its just…its like…DIFFERENT. I don’t understand the questions.
Anyway, afterwards I went to lab to chill, and I started telling Mattia about the show we were shooting that evening, and he told me about these…these…BASTARDS in Westwood Plaza, only I didn’t quite understand, so he brought me over to this girl, Zima, because she had explained it to him. Zima is Muslim. She’s “the pretty Muslim girl”. She’s a friend of a co-worker’s, and we’ve always been pretty easy with each other.
However, she was on THEIR side…she had the brochure, and she was like “Are you upset?” looking all shocked, and I was like “Fuck yeah, Im upset! The UCLA preschool takes its kids on walks around campus every day! You’d think UCLA would be more responsible than to ALLOW something like that.” You have to understand, it wasnt just a protest…it was a display of 2-story-tall billboards depicting third-term abortions. It was called “Justice for All”. Because self-righteous scare-tactic fuckers never call themselves “Fuckos Who Can’t Win an Intellectual Argument”. So anyway, then she goes “Well, there’s a lot of gay stuff around campus, and I don’t think parents appreciate their children seeing that.” And I go “Gay people don’t put up twenty-foot billboards of anal sex!” at which point we got shushed, cause we WERE in the lab, after all. Then she just looks at me with that annoying-ass supercalm super-at-peace-with-my-beliefs-to-the-point-where-I-never-need-another-original-thought-in-my-head look and says “I’m sorry.” Which is short for “I’m sorry you’re upset, except Im actually quite glad it upset you because maybe your disgust will make you change your entire world view.” I hate that tone of voice. I’ve never gotten if from a Muslim before. It’s usually a born-again X-tian tactic of ending a conversation they don’t really have an argument for.
Anyway, I went home for a while and looked online at the Daily Bruin and BAM! The third blow of the day that sent me into tears: Doug Lief’s farewell article. I emailed him all emotional-like. Now he’s prolly scared of me. Again. *sigh*. If he wasn’t so damned cool…
From: Me
To: Doug Lief
Subject: We’ll miss you……Hell, I’ll miss you. Dammit, Doug…you were the only voice I heard when I came to this campus that didnt revolve around damnation and sobriety. Im so terribly upset that you’re leaving. It’s like hearing your favorite cousin died. You pulled me through a lot of anger and drama. You told us to just step back for a minute and see how funny it all was. I honestly hope that you publish a book…a real book…or a script or SOMETHING…soon, because my idols in this world are too few and far between, and fellow liberal confederates on this campus are even sparser.
You have a terribly powerful gift for writing. Would that I was as funny, and as poignant. People would make me (literally, pull me by the arm over to you) introduce you to them if I waved to you on the street.
I’ve been crying all this while, which it pains me to admit, even to myself. So, I will end here with an extended invitation…
If you get this in time, and you have time tonight, please, come down to Westwood Plaza and watch the live season finale of Mike and Ben at 7pm.
Yours,
Me.
Yes, that’s right kids, I plugged the show to him. I thought maybe we could entertain him a little for all the laughs he’d given us. Or something. He hasn’t responded, and probably won’t. That’s OK.
Anyway, I went to film the show, and that was…bad. Painful even. We had about 10 people in the audience at the highlight of the show. We were filming in Westwood Plaza, so I saw the protesters packing up their display. Mandy said she had handed out flyers for the show to people coming out of the plaza saying “Mike and Ben! It’s funnier than abortion!” Hehe. I wish I had thought of that.
I talked to Sean, our original Audience (whom I had to waylay and he said he thought he had seen Doug Lief arguing with one of the protesters earlier. I sorta doubt it…I just can’t see Doug getting ruffled, but I can hope. Anyway, the show ended with us playing Uno for like, half an hour, with some of the audience members. Mattia showed up as we were packing up. Heh.
I was really really depressed, so I went to Women’s Rap. For a while I felt better. I’m funny, or at least I can usually make people laugh. But then…yeah.
I am a minority.
I went back to lab for a couple minutes and helped out, but was just getting even more depressed, so I went home. I talked to Sherri and Hawa and Norma for a while downstairs and crashed on the couch. Then I woke up. And here I am.
I like the idea of having the current mood and current music automated thing…
too much spice
2002-06-06-10:02 a.m.
Could it be? Might I finish this quarter on a note of grace? Last night was the Night of Truth, the night where all the powers and abilities I had built up over the quarter by slacking surged forth mightily. These are things I accomplished last night/this morning:
- Syntax Extra Credit Homework, in my T.A.’s box before 9:30 am, and hopefully before he’d checked in today
- Psych 100B Data Display Board, all but one or two numbers written in, and even they may be unnecessary
- Tables for the Bilingualism project, sent promptly off to Serge for insertion. Im waiting for him to send me the full report so I can proof it and print it out.
I think I need a reward. After I turned in my Syntax, I got Cream of Wheat from Northern Lights…no more cinnamon until I learn how to use it correctly. It’s pretty unpalateable to me now. Brown Sugar is gooood. The Rolling Stones had the right idea. Worship brown sugar. Shun cinammon. It’s for the best, really.
Last night, Y? and I had one of those really really early-morning heart-to-hearts where in much gossiping and speculating was accomplished, and I cried for a minute. I really really really can’t cry for more than a minute about anything. Even if sorrow is eating away at my heart. I just can’t justify the waste of energy. I think part of it is…when I’m sicker, and I cough, it makes me so tired, I can’t do anything else. I don’t like feeling so helpless.
Speaking of which, Im getting sick. I started coughing a little yesterday, maybe? And I’ve been producing more green than Andrew Lloyd Weber does musicals. I don’t FEEL slummy though, and Im not particularly stuffy, so my brilliant plan is to ignore it until it goes away. Because that’s what I ALWAYS do, and we all know what a picture of health I am. Hehe…there should be a quiz…”If I was a Picture of Health, I would be…Velvet Elvis!”
*sigh* I tried to call Ken last night around midnight because I’d finished the board. AHEAD of schedule, and I wanted his final input before I called it a wrap. He was grumpy and was like “Don’t call here this late anymore.” I guess I get his point, but MIDNIGHT?!! I KNOW he’s old, but dammit, its this sort of thing that’s been getting me into trouble in class. He doesnt keep a student’s hours. My grade is tied to this person who can’t even stay up until 2!
*sigh* I adore Serge though. He’s a gooood partner. He’s much fun, even at these ungodly hours.
Hmm…now Im getting to the point where I think maybe my cream of wheat wasnt so bad. I spent some time this morning chatting with various people. It amuses me how quickly guys take to my wit/charm/sense of humor/old photo. Because I know, and you know, and they won’t know, but it is funny to have their interest for a moment. I think…if I was a psycho, I would be a very good one.
OK, Serge, hurry up and finish! My spellchecker is gettin’ itchy!
It occurs to me, I’m not cut out for school. I wish I could just write and get money for writing. Or…last night, I was thinking about switching to the CLit major. Hehe. Comparative Lit, you sicko. That was such an easy class, but what would I do with the degree? What will I do with THIS degree?! I will use it to the best of my abilities. That’s all I can do. I just hope that line will get me into grad school.
I realize I haven’t put music for a while. I should. Im lazy though. Meh. Will eventually. Songs are always running around in there.
out of my head
2002-06-09-6:55 p.m.
Wow. Im soooo done with Lisa right now. Like, a lot of done. Despite the hangover, I feel content.
That’s right kids. I finally got drunk. Not really really drunk, but I was definitely not in control of all of my motor skills.
Let me back up. Last night was the last performance of the Shakespeare Reading and Performance group. I was a dumbass and had bought a shift that wnet DURING the show, and I only realized this like, 2 hours before I was due to start working. I sent out two frantic emails and called my director, and went to work, and worked for a couple hours, half-intending to just bail at 8. One of my co-workers said it would be cool, as it was pretty quiet, for the weekend before finals. Thankfully, just before 8, Y? called and told me Lisa was going to buy my shift. Why Y?? Because. Im apparently a horrible, lying, user bitch. Im grateful that she bought my hours and all, but jeezus. Im so pissed at her for different reasons. First and foremost because she doesnt think I can read her face.
ANYWAY, she came, I skedaddled, made it to the performance, came off brilliantly, and recieved much accolades for my rold as the White Trash Nurse in our R&J scene. The muu-muu was a smashing success. I think. But my dad wouldnt take me out until I took it off. he was like “can you please put something on I can be seen with you in?” or something. So I did, and all I had was my transparent-ass wife-beater. My dad and my sister came and they took me out to this place, Junior’s, for food and eating of food. I had latkes and matzah ball soup. Good ME, does anybody KNOW about that place?!! REAL Jew-food. And its this weird combination of diner/deli kitsch and high-classiness. They had this black-lighted tank of jelly fish and another tank of exotic sea-animal life. My sister, dad, and I were in rare form, laughing and mocking each other mercilessly. It was soooo much fun.
After we had thoroughly embarrassed ourselves, Poppi dropped me off at the cast party. Oh…never again. No more drinking. Well, maybe a little. At first it wasnt so bad. Actually, it was a great party, and for some reason, a lot of the cast and this random guy, Alvin, really like me. I talked with oodles of people, and even got put in charge of Beer Hunter once by Eamonn! Eamonn is cool. He is muchly amused by my autotheism. Too bad he’s leaving for the Navy. He spent a good chunk of the night giving guys lapdances and pointing out that he was going “commando”, in preparation, he said.
The hosts, Shawn and Luis, do this awesome air-guitar thing.
Towards the end of the evening, I was sprawled out over people, comfortable and happy. I had my feet up on this guy, Robert, until he moved, and then used this girl Jennifer (Peter in my scene) as a pillow until she left, the whole time talking to this girl Mary, who knows Russian Anna! It was great. I love one-on-one conversations with nice people.
Eventually, a large bulk of the party left, leaving me, Luis, Shawn, Alvin, and this guy Max up to talk, with two other guys, Brian and Nick, passed out on the couch and floor respectively. I still wasnt drunk. Alvin was to be my ride, and he needed to sober up. Shawn went to bed when the talk turned Anime, and the four remaining talked about Anime, Manga, and comic books in general until, like, 4:30am. Luis is definitely one of those people. He attracts people to him. And he CARES about his friends.
Anyway, around 4:30 am, Alvin, Max, and I got up to go, but Luis looked at me and said “You want to stay and keep talking about comics, don’t you?” and I said I did, and Luis assured Alvin that he would get me home in the morning when he was sober. We talked about a lot of stuff that wasnt comics. His band, his work, my work. I can’t remember what all. He offered me a job in his band, if I was interested. I said I was. It would be an awesome job, speaking in the background of some of their songs during performances and maybe even on the album!
Anyway, it got around to the fact that despite my 4 hard lemonades up to this point, I was not drunk. Luis made it his personal mission to rectify that. Somehow, getting me drunk involved him drinking large quantities of Seabreeze (vodka and cranberry juice). I drank two rather large, rather strong ones. I didn’t feel buzzed, just really lightheaded. Here is where we came in. It was like when I woke up from anaesthetic when I got my wisdom teeth removed. I had my full cognitive abilities, but my body felt leaden or unattatched or something. There were four (I think), very chaste kisses. Luis couldn’t stand upright by this time or speak sense, though, and I made him go to bed. It took a lot of cajoling, and the second I got him onto his bed, he lurched up and ran into the bathroom. I couldn’t keep myself up, and collapsed on his bed until the lightheadedness wore off. Luis had passed out on the bathroom floor. Around 10 in the morning, I managed to open the door enough to wake him up and get him into his proper bed.
I knew he wouldnt be all right to drive for hours. All I could do was hope that Shawn would wake up eventually and drive me home. Which he did. I have a very tiny hangover. A small, persistant migraine. I’ve slept, drank, ate, and managed to not throw up a couple times. Soon I’ll go to CLICC and write my paper up.
I now have a theory that white, straight men should not be allowed to maintain a household together, because they CAN’T.
I hate having to be the responsible one. A lot.
Wouldn’t it be funny if the first time I ever got drunk was the same night that changed my life forever? Luis is into everything I ever wanted to be into. Comics and music. I need to learn Quark, if I possibly can, and maybe ask Karen to teach me to use Photoshop better.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Just An Old-Fashioned Love Song — was playing in Shawn’s truck as he drove me home today
- Paradise City — oh yeah, reason number two for my head/neckache…headbanging while my hosts played air guitar. What’s her name…Betina. Betina’s cool.
you can’t see me
2002-06-09-10:29 p.m.
I don’t know why I’m so laid back about this paper. Im all…blah on it. I will get it done, no sweat. Cut to me four hours later, screaming and not having a word done. Well, I’ve downloaded it from Utopiate Nation’s server, at least. Hmm. I think I should make a UN logo. I keep forgetting I finally figured one out.
I carried my display board down with me, and I intend to use that to model my analysis. I hate APA.
My mom said I might go to Comicon with Luis, Alvin, and Max, if I can find out the date, and of course, get permission from Luis. I normally would never put out 50 dollars for something so frivolous, but what if this finally gives me something to do after college, or at least during the summers?
Ugh, I just looked it up…55 dollars pre-reg, 60 at the door. Ick.
My stomach is all tied up in knots, not because I think anything will ever happen with Luis, but because it was something substantial…thathappenedwhenwe werebothdrunkandwedidntseethrough andhe’llhaveforgotteneverything already. Sigh.
Why do I never remember that “judgment” has no E after the G? *reluctantly hugs Word’s spellcheck*
Luis said he had been hitting on me for four hours. He didn’t say it CLEARLY, but he said it. It’s kind of an interesting concept for me. I was mostly way oblivious.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- You’re Not the Boss of Me Now by They Might Be Giants
- I’ll Be by Edwin McCain
no, really. you’re an idiot.
2002-06-10-2:01 a.m.
I hate being TOLD. I hate being corrected by people who don’t know what they fuck they’re talking about. I hate bigots who swear they aren’t bigots. I hate people who think that just because a little information was presented to them in one light, they are more knowledgeable than I in MY OWN FUCKING FIELD. I cannot stand, especially, when people tell me that THEY are more learn-ed than I in something they only passingly touched on in their studies, whereas I have made a point to look into things.
GodDAMN him. I wish I had a Krav partner. The one thing I miss about Krav Maga is having someone to spar with and work off steam. I think it would be hardCORE to be able to just go outside and fight for a while. I don’t know why I keep talking to Mattia. He ALWAYS says the ugliest things about anything he does not understand: Americans, Blacks, non-Classical music, the English Language, etc. Almost as much as him maintaining that English is an inferior language, I can’t stand the factual way he hates on hip-hop. GOD, if you don’t LIKE it, that’s one thing, but to take away an entire genre’s validity because it does not appeal to you is something crackheads in Washington try to do. Fuck Tipper Gore, while I’m on the subject. Fuck Lieberman, too.
One thing I remember about Michael Moore’s “Blood in the Face” was that this one white supremacist guy goes “Well, if being a bigot means I hate everyone who’s not white, then yes, I’m a bigot.” I mean, yeah, the man was EVIL, but at least he was fucking up-front about it. People are so frightened to be grouped into an undesireable category that they will bury themselves deeper in that category just to prove they are not a part of it. Or something like that. Yeah.
The beauty of English is that it does not have gender differentiations, or pre-defined categories that say how you feel. YOU get to find the right words and YOU get to arrange them just so until they sing out your thoughts and feelings. Every language is different in its own way. Every language can describe anything to any degree. It is the property of language. It is why we HAVE language. You can bitch about Romance or Germanic languages all you want, but at the core of it, language has a PURPOSE which is filled by the fervor of the human mind. Artificial languages are very hard to learn completely, but children in the next generation will fix it until it is a natural language. That’s how Creoles are made, too. The first generation of two different languages co-exist, but the second generation just comes up with a uniform language that is an even combination of the two. We hold UG to be self-evident. Every language is, at its core, the same. It has the same principles behind it. The only difference is which self-righteous hands it went through on the way, and what events created a need for a schism, addition, or deletion of language.
OK, so that, mostly, is my why-Mattia-is-an-idiot-rant. I really don’t care if he’s offended. REALLY don’t. If he can’t take truth with grace, he is not worth the bother.
I think I should call Luis Friday night. Ugh. I already feel myself getting into that stupid plotting phase. I need to back on up out of it. I offered to P.A. for him this summer, and to go to ComiCon.
screaming
2002-06-10-2:49 a.m.
The blood is pounding in my ears, my stomach is twisting itself all up, my head is screaming. I can’t stand this. I can’t think or concentrate. All for want of one perfect, sober kiss.
funky me
2002-06-11-1:33 a.m.
(spoken)
A hard boozer, girl user, amuser
Knows what he wants,
When he wants it,
Wants it now, and how.
Can’t get what he wants
When he’s drunk off his haunch
‘Cause he can’t get a launch
For his rauch
With a staunch girl
Who knows what he’s about when he says:
(sung)
Let’s get down,
Get funky,
Like an old-school drunken monkey
A hardcore
Love junky
Will see you through the night.
(spoken)
A cool-school chick, way too slick for a trick
Down for good time
Cat in his prime
Wants it now, and how
Won’t give up the prize
When he can’t keep his eyes
On her thighs, and she’s wise
To the rise
Though he tries hard
She knows what he’s about when he says:
(sung)
Let’s get down,
Get funky,
Like an old-school drunken monkey.
A hardcore
Love junky
Will see you through the night.
(spoken)
When the time’s right, no fight, just delight
Just holy pleasure
Is the measure
Want it now, and how
There will be no fight
Just delight in the night
It’s alright in the height
To ignite
The excitement.
They know what they’re about when they say:
(sung)
Let’s get down,
Get funky,
Like an not-so drunken monkey.
A hardcore
Love junky
Will see you through the night.
Get down
And funky
Like B-and-J’s Chunky Monkey
A hardcore
Love junky
Will see us through the night.
presenting me
2002-06-11-10:59 a.m.
Damn, I finally wrote a song that
- won’t get me arrested
- doesn’t sound like “Sarah McLachlan on pot”
My dad seems to think it flows well, so yayme!
I slept in. I TRIED not to. At one point, I even stretched myself out in the front hallway, so the first person to leave would wake me up. I couldn’t breathe after a while though, so I moved to the couch and conked out till 8:14 am, and my final started at 8. Grr. Thankfully, the professor is awesome and cool.
I just have my presentation left, and that should be copious amounts of no sweat. Then Im gonna call Luis and maybe FINALLY get to Venice and by the damn hair dye!
I had to print out 19 copies of our 2-page (go formatting! go teamwork!) presentation handout. The first time didn’t print out, so I refunded myself (I don’t pay for printing, but I like to keep the record straight), but I noticed that this quarter, my bill, had I one, was run up $50!! Eek. My classes were demanding little bitches. I hardly printed out at all last quarter. Of course, my finding the Buffy script may have contributed…
The printers are SOOO messy. Everyone is printing out 50-page projects, and nerves are so high, I daren’t move anything. Besides, they usually clear up a lot once someone snatches their hot papers off the press. Mmm…hot, freshly printed paper…
OK, I have to head to Campbell now/soon. I am SOOOO close. But I checked last night and there are NO hours for sale. Damn.
Who else do I have to call? Ooh. Ji. Yes. Andddd….who else? I had a list. Russian Anna and…well, if she has Mary’s number, then Mary. I can’t believe I know a Mary. Annnnd…who else? I dunno.
I talked to Kristina last night for a long time whilst we avoided studying. She’s meeting me at Brew Co on Thursday. Yay! Annd… annnnnd… ummmm… yes. OK. Off to my presentation!!!
this is not a kat
2002-06-12-12:40 a.m.
I’m not reading your email, M. I read part and didnt see the point of continuing. I get your mad. That’s ok. I can live with that. People always get pissed at me eventually. Usually its just cause I finally find a backbone. Also, from what I did read: This isnt public. Maybe two people I know read this. And I talk to them anyway. This blog is for me, so I can monologue. I said all the same stuff to you, if you had just listened for more than two minutes together.
Anyway, Im brushing my hands of it. Im GONE baby! Summer’s here! I just have to work tonight and Friday night and Im GOLDEN. I called Luis, and Im almost good to go. Even if nothing else happens between us, it’ll definitely be interesting to hang around him for any amount of time.
After my laaaaaast final, well, presentation really, I called Luis, left a message. This girl, Pam, gave me a book, The Nanny Diaries which is actually pretty good. Light reading, how I’ve missed you! Luis called me back eventually and I thoughtfully filled him in on everything that happened Saturday night. He apologized profusely, and wouldn’t take “Naw, it’s cool.” as an answer. He did clear one thing up. The reason I stopped everything was he had started mumbling something about “Shangri-La,” and I was like…ok. Now you’re just speaking in tongues. But he told me he was trying to recite a poem he knew in high school. It’s kinda sweet, in a way. All he really knew about that point was that he woke up thinking about the poem and couldnt figure out why. I also talked to him about ComiCon and the album and P.A.’ing and except for the album, we’re good to go, as soon as we pound out some details.
He makes me want to be more feminine, but not chick-like. Maybe if I find a summer job, or something, I can give Target another look-see.
I think a big problem with people’s conception about me is that they don’t realize that I’m completely WYSIWYG. I am a fe-male. I am a hardcore bitch. There isnt a heart of gold underneath, just a practical mind and a sense of humanity and decency. I don’t sheild my emotions, I just don’t have them when people think I should. Obviously I -have- them, or I wouldnt flip out about Christopher, Luis, John, Stephanie, and the like so much. I just don’t have them that much.
OK, Wynnde’s speaking in tongues in her sleep so I have to go now.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- Play That Funky Music White Boy
- Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt
- Drunk Funk or whatever I decide to title it — by me, last night.
fathers and freedom
2002-06-20-9:02 p.m.
I feel lazy. I’ve spent the last 4 days reading the Harry Potter novels. The next one is supposed to come out this summer, but I’ve only seen that on one site. I don’t think Amazon even acknowledges its existence. Aaron says the next Pratchett novel is coming out in November. It’s gonna be called Night Guard. Yay, guard!
Father’s Day was pretty uneventful. Picnic. Frisbee. Random Mexican kid.
turkey slapper, ham slapper
2002-06-23-6:35 p.m.
Comedy Central rocks a lot. When I turned on the TV, there was this standup team on called Slovin and Allen. They are weiiiiiird. Like, weirdly weird. Its awful. ly funny. The sketch that was on when I tuned in was…well, lets put it this way, it ends with them chanting:
Turkey slapper, ham slapper!
Turkey slapper, ham slapper!
Turkey slapper, ham slapper!
WE LIKE MEAT!
Their last sketch would kill lesser men. It requires them, due to a time machine, to eat a twinky or drink an entire gatorade respectively about 10 times.
But now it’s Stephen Lynch. I need, like, many CD’s of his. I love him. A lot.
OK, I havent REALLY blogged in a while, and I should say at least what my last couple days in my now ex-house were like.
Thursday, I went to Venice in the morning to look at Hot Topics plus-sized dresses (anyone wanna loan me 100 dollars?!!) buy hair dye, gloves, and a bag (that is NOT a purse!!!). This brand, Dickies, is VERY cool. I wore these too-cute shoes Wynnde had given me and they were really comfortable until I got off the bus getting back, but I couldn’t hobble home because Ji had come a LOT earlier than Caron had predicted and Y? had come out to meet her and they were waiting outside for me, so I sucked it up. I was really full from this KICKASS Japanese place in the 3rd Street Promenade Mall, but Ji and I went to El Pollo Loco nonetheless and Ji ate me under the table…which sounds really bad, but it was amazing. She was, like, unstoppable!
Anyway, later that day, I went to the CLICC end-of-year party at Brew Co. Ji and Caron joined me later, sans muumuus, as we had originally planned. Tim bought me a drink, and I bought me a drink (hurrah, Bartender Joe!), and Lisa brought her lil sis, and I entertained many people muchly. When Caron got to the party, she told me Luis had called, and I called him back immediately. He told me there was going to be a meeting for the film that Saturday at noon. Then Kristina showed up and I entertained even more. Yay! We all talked, but Ji and Caron were getting kinda bored, so we bailed.
Sheri and I had been talking the last couple days, so I gave her my card with my cell number on it. Ji helped me pack a lot. Wynnde and Ji got into the Religion discussion, which I skipped out for. Wynnde is an idiot. When she found out Ji isnt religious she asked “So what do you turn to when something bad happens in your life, then? Drugs? Alcohol?” I almost had a heart attack, but Ji keeps her cool. I eventually crashed on the couch accidentally-on-purpose so Ji could have my bed. Ji came in the middle of the night and put a blanket over me, but I only barely remember it. It was good. I love those couches. I miss them. *sniff*
Friday, we packed more, and made a big trip to the Valley. Ji made her farewells and left me until my dad could pick me up and we could get the last of the stuff. Y? and I talked some, but she abandoned me when Wynnde wanted to talk to me. Wynnde told me “I feel we could have had a better relationship if there had been more honesty between us.” in a tone of voice that indicated this somehow was my fault. Should I have told her she’s a raving lunatic? That for someone who grew up with 14 siblings, she ought to have been a more considerate human being when her roommates were sleeping?! I just stared her down while she continued her self-righteous tirade about how since she was Christian she only felt love for me, in that tone of voice that Christians get when they’re only trying to convince you of their holiness, not themselves.
Then I was gone! I moved out ahead of schedule! The next day, I went to Luis’ place, and met everyone, and they were all very cool, and the script is cool, though maybe a little wordy and indy-feeling, but hey, it IS indy, but its gonna be much much fun. Now I need my license. I was pretty much ignored, though. Luis had to go at 3:30, and traffic was apalling, so I waited on the street for maybe an hour until my dad picked me up and we found this cool little Italian restaurant with amazing garlic bread. It was way.
I think that the fact that my subject headings show up now (they didnt a month ago) makes the dynamic different. It makes me think of them for longer, rather than just pulling a phrase. I used to just write them last, but now I write them first, and sometimes even try to stick to them. How annoying.
I. Need. Money. I wanna buy like, 4 dresses from Hot Topic/Torrid, and I want the 70-dollar Buffy Season 2 DVD pack. OK, OK…they arent really NEEDS, but I waaaaaaant them.
It looks like I’m probably going to be playing Lady Faulconbridge in our summer production of King John. I wonder if 15 lines justifies a 90 dollar dress. It’s such a COOL dress though, and it comes in Ivory AND Black ANNNND there’s this red taffeta gown I waaaaant! I want to own a GOWN!
My hair is now purple. It’s pretty cool. I dont like it as much as my blood red, but my mom says it’s a better color. Now I really really really really really want blood red again. Blah, I have like, three doses of purple left though. *sigh*
Ack! Im turning into a chick. A punk chick, of course, but I feel chick-ly nonetheless. Damn me.
Karen and I were discussing the idea of propogating Legacy Houses at UCLA, the idea being that your apartment is perpetually rented to friends, and you can maybe even build a theme, like the Les Lair or Party Palace or something, so that when you visit your old digs 10 years later, the people living there are friends of friends of friends of friends. Maybe you could even start a wall of pictures of everyone who’s lived in that place. I think it would be cool. And starting Lore at UCLA is a big goal of mine. Hehehehehehehe.
I’ve eaten soooo much red meat the last two days! I may actually be over it for a while.
My puppy is cute and sweet and pretty and cuddly and vicious. Awwww.
Tomorrow Im gonna bust out my bass and maybe take the dogs for a preambulation (I SWEAR they can read!). Tuesday Im gonna try to spend the whole day in Westwood with Y?, Lauren, and learning Photoshop from Karen. Then I have a readthrough at 8 in Ackerman. Woo! Finally, stuff to DO!
academic probation
2002-06-26-10:18 a.m.
Im sooo on academic probation again. It’s not fucking FAIR. I don’t know whether I made the right choice taking bilingualism P/NP, because a P doesnt help your GPA, but on the other hand, a C might have killed it. I got a D and D+ in Syntax and Psych respectively, which means I have to take them again this next quarter. On top of Hebrew and Abnormal Psych (IF I can get into it on 1st pass. DAMMIT!).
I was on AP my first year, after my Winter Quarter. It wasn’t so bad. They made me go to a meeting, basically said: Dont do it again! and I entertained everyone a lot. I think I sorta came off like an ass, but I don’t care. I got on it because my S.A.D. hit really hard that winter, and I was sleeping like, 15 hours a day. On top of which, I had, like an idiot, tried to get all of my math/science requirements out of the way in one go. On top of which, my PIC 10 professor was an ass, and used the ceiling-theory tests (if anyone completes the test, it was obviously too easy, so everyone who didn’t finish gets marked down more). But none of that matters. Just like it doesnt matter this time that our T.A. screwed me in Psych. I blame myself for Syntax, but still. Im not a happy camper.
I need to hit up ye olde Hebrew books. And I need to take my bass out for a testdrive again. She needs new strings; Daddy’s said as much since we got her.
Yesterday I got my driver permit! BWAHAHAHA! All I had to do was fill out a form, wait for my name to be called, fill out some more forms, answer some questions, have my picture taken, take a test (I missed 3. hehe. You can miss up to 6 before they fail you. I would have missed 2, but I second-guessed myself), turn it in, and then they gave me a permit! Then we went to the AAA next door, and my dad transferred my car into my name. Once we took the car out of the DMV parking lot where we left it and gotten off the main streets, my daddy let me drive a couple blocks. Driving is stressful. I get too worried about hitting or blocking oncoming traffic that I pull too close to parked cars. I didn’t hit anything though, and I’m quite good at taking speed bumps now, but not dips. ouch.
Anyway, daddy dropped me off near a bus stop and I hopped the bus to Westwood. There was a girl on the bus clutching a map of UCLA. She was from UCSD, but was taking summer classes at UCLA. I helped. Sort of.
When I got to me olde stomping grounds, I went to the house, but no one was there. Y? and Lauren had been telling my voicemail they had urgent news for me, but they were nowhere to be found. I buzzed Lisa, half-expecting her to be at work, but she answered and let me in. Since neither Y? or Lauren were accessible, I went to CLICC with Lis to accomplish my other goal of the day, learning Photoshop. Karen showed me a few things, but without specific direction, I don’t know exactly where to go. I called Luis and asked him for a hint, but he, as is now becoming usual, didn’t respond.
Near noon, Y? finally called me back. She had been at the house, but sleeping, and hadn’t heard my attempts to get her attention (knocking, pounding, screaming her name orgasmically in the hall… ;-P). She persuaded me to come to the house to order lunch. I got faux-Chinese, and I had to argue with Y? for like, an hour because she wouldn’t hear of it. She has a thing about restaurants bastardizing Eastern culture. And yet she survives on Cup O’ Noodles…
Y? and I talked while I ate, but I got hit by serious food coma. Y? left and never came back, and Lisa stopped in for a minute, and then I was out for a couple hours. When I woke up, Pam and Kathy came in, and we talked for a long time about a lot of stuff (gay people, religion, history, the House, the House directors, the Greek System).
I had to be at Ackerman by 8, and I only barely glanced at my watch at 7:52. I skedaddled.
The reading took a long time, and the room was small and had no air conditioning, and I was all gamy and ew at first from dashing, but it was really fun. King John can be interpreted as one of Shakespeare’s sicker, funnier plays, if you’re a bunch of 20-somethings doing a readthrough fairly late in the evening. It was really amusing. We all busted up like every five lines at some double entendre that probably wasn’t meant to be there.
The readthrough ended at about 11:00 pm, and no one could give me a ride back. A few of us went to see the Grand Salon, and we tried to figure out how to get Grayden to drop 15 feet from a balcony and still live enough to do a performance the next night. The theatre is a tricky business.
Grayden says I have a tendency to indicte myself. I don’t know if I should reflect on that or not. Is my need for honesty creating a sacrifice of tact? Probably.
I was all set to take the bus home (at one point I was actually ON the bus, for a block), and my mom called and offered reluctantly, to pick me up. After much confusion, she got me, and I came home. Yay!
My mom had a new entertainment center delivered today, and they didn’t hook up the TV. No matter how many times I press the remote, the TV does not show me its loving face. I am sad.
OK, Imma go take a shower. When I dyed my hair, I didn’t use protein filler, so Im terrified it’s all gonna wash out in one go. Lucky I have another 1 1/3 bottles. Then, I’ll see if I can’t dig out my amp and shoulder strap and see about my bass for a few hours.
I miss food. I realized that yesterday.
Reading Shakespeare makes me want to talk like that. I’m good at it. Well, not in the whole iambic pentameter aspect, but I have all my thee’s and thou’s down, as it were.
Doug Lief responded in my guestbook. Im not sure what the actual entry means, but Im all cheerful about it!
just shy of trendy
2002-08-19-2:25 a.m.
BaSiC sTuFF
Name~Kat
Nickname(s)~ Kat, Kitty, Kitten, Dru, CLICC, Laptop Lady (*cringe*)
Age~20
Birthday~10/14/81 (send presents.)
Astrology Sign~Libra, but Monty Python says I can be anything I want to be.
Birthplace~West Hollywood
Location~Los Angeles County
School~UCLA
Gender~Fe-girl
Hair Color~Yes.
Eye Color~Dark brown.
Height~5′10″
HaVe YoU EvEr……
-Gotten Expelled/Suspended~Yes, in 6th grade. Stealing a teacher’s keys and hiding them in the coat closet.
-Been Arrested~Noooo…
-Been Drunk~Once…It didnt feel all that cool, but what happened during was awesome…Im an idiot…
-Been in love~Yes. A couple times now.
-Stolen(not from your bro or sis or something.)~I used to be fond of bean sprouts in the grocery store…
-Committed a crime~Probably. Jaywalking, drinking while underage, that sort of thing.
-Cheated on a someone(g/f-b/f)~no…
-Lost your virginity~Yeah…but I found it again.
-Broken bones~No…just dislocated.
-Been kissed by someone besides family~Yes.
-Had a crush on the same sex~Yes.
-Kissed someone of the same sex~Yes.
-Had a crush on a family member(cousins and stuff)~Yeah, but they were like…5th cousins, thrice removed or something.
-Started a real fire~Yes, when I was three.
-Actually tried the hair spray and lighter~No, but it sounds fun.
-Left the house and forgot to put something on~Jacket/sweater probably.
-Been crazed about a boy band~gods no.
FaVoRiTeSsS
What’s your favorite movie~Fight Club, I suppose. Everafter, the Matrix, 10 Things I Hate About You, Buffy, Wayne’s World
What’s your favorite drink~Coke or milk or orange juice (non-alcoholic), Smirnoff Ice (other)
What’s your favorite food~Teriyaki chicken
What’s your favorite soda~Coke
What’s your favorite book~Good Omens, anything by Terry Pratchett, anything by Douglas Adams, I’m Just Here for the Food by Alton Brown, The Return of Martin Guerre
Who is/are your favorite music artist(s)~Queen! Etta James, Jacaranda, Stephen Lynch, Eve6, Incubus, Five for Fighting, Lighthouse, Weird Al, Weezer
What is/are your favorite song(s)~Who Wants to Live Forever?, We Will Rock You, Radio Ga-Ga, Under Pressure, Fat Bottomed Girls, everything from the Buffy Musical, Buddy Holly, At Last, Someone to Watch Over Me, Chained to the Tang, Eggplant Girl, Wonder Woman, Inside Out, Drive, Superman, Sweater Song, When Sunny Gets Blue
What is/are your favorite cd(s)~Dunno. Dont own that many music CDs
Who is your favorite actor~Heath Ledger, David Boreanaz, J. August Richards, Anthony Stewart Head, Nick Brendan, Paul Bettany, Hugh Jackman, James Marsters, Tim Curry, Alan Alda, Andy Hallett
Who is your favorite actress~Juliette Landau, Julia Stiles, Angelina Jolie, Winona Ryder, Amy Acker
What is/are your favorite name(s) for a guy~Gavin. Aside from that, I like strong noun names that manage to not sound like something from a chick romance novel.
What is/are your favorite name(s) for a girl~Anything unbiblical that does not end in -a, -y, -een/ine, that is not a reconstruction of a male name, and is uncommon. Also, boys names on girls is damn sexy, as are sixties/seventies-retro nouns.
What’s your favorite color~grapefruit, shades of purple
What’s your favorite candy~100 Grand, anything raspberry/dark chocolate, some truffles
What’s your favorite store~Target. Because it’s there.
What’s your favorite mall~Um…the only one I really know is the S.O. Galleria, but it kinda sucks right now. Ooh, the one on the Santa Monica Promenade is rather posh.
What’s your favorite animal~cats, tigers
What’s your favorite place to go
to~London, Universal Citywalk
What’s your favorite vacation place~London
What’s your favorite thing to do~Write
This or That????
-Here or there~yes
-Hot or cold~no
-Left or Right~is nothing sacred?
-Up or Down~depends on the context.
-Blue or Red~depends on the context
-Black or White~no
-Chocolate or Vanilla~Chocolate
-New or Old~no
-Chocolate Milk or Regular~chocolate. psh.
-Shorts or Jeans(or any long pants..)~jeans, until my legs are good enough I can get away with the other.
-Stripes or Solids~solids
-7-up, Sprite, or Storm~what’s storm? sprite, but really Sierra Mist
-Red Ketchup or Green Ketchup~Purple
-Coffee or Tea~Tea
-’Nsync or Bsb~BSB
-Coca-Cola or Pepsi-Cola~Coke! Coke! *snort*
-Mcdonald’s or Burger King~McDonald’s
-Taco Bell or Del Taco~Del Taco!!!! Are you KIDDING ME?
In ThE LaSt 24 HoUrS HaVe YoU…
-Showered~uh…*sniff* no.
-Kissed someone~no.
-Missed someone~ no.
-Hugged someone~no.
-Said “I Love You”~yes. to Y?
-Cried~no.
-Eaten~yes. mmm?
-Laughed~yes
-Talked to someone you love~yes. Johnny and Toby and Ari and Mum and Da’
-Been bored~Yes.
-Bought something~a bus transfer.
-Felt stupid~no
-Been scared~no
-Fought with someone~yes.
-Called someone~no! damn! I forgot to call Mike! And I need to call Kristina and Del
-Written a Letter~no.
-Met someone new~no.
-Cut your hair~no…but I should prolly get a trim..
-Done something intresting~drove around with my Dad.
Do YoU..
-Have a dog~Three.
-Have a cat~no…
-Even have a pet~Yes, the three dogs and a frog named Fluffy besides.
-Use make-up~sometimes, mostly just for stage.
-Have a tv in your room~um…in theory my computer is also a TV…in theory.
-Want a tattoo~Yes, as soon as I find something unique, meaningful, and that fully encapsulates who I am.
-Have a tattoo~No.
-Have something really weird~A keyloid scar on my shoulder
-Want to go back to school(if you aren’t there already)~sorta, but not tons.
-Actually like school or just want to see your friends~I like school. College is cool beans.
-Have summer school/tutor/something like that~no. I should.
-Have a piercing~One in each ear. Want more.
-Have braces~no. want. -Have glasses~yes. fuggit.
-Need glasses(contacts)~yes. fuggit.
-Have a cast~no
-Smoke~no
-Use Drugs~no
-Litter~no
LoVe LiFe AnD FriEnDs
Do you have a gf/bf~no
If so, Who~…
How long has it been~…I hate you
Do you love them~…this is depressing
Do you have a crush~yes.
Who is it~Luis. And Justin Guarini on American Idol.
Who’s your best friend~I dont have one. I guess Toby or Y? by default…or Ji. I love Ji. Maybe someday Kristina.
Who do you talk to the most~Toby/Y?
Who do you email the most~No one. I hate Email.
Are you talking to someone right now~Yessss…
Which friend have you known the longest~Sarah, I guess.
Who do you do stuff with the most~…no one.
Who knows all(or near all)of your secrests~Y? and Toby
Who told you all their secrets~no one, I think.
Who’s parents do you know the best~Juliana’s
Are you ready for this too be done~ ’spose.
All because I was bored, I looked for the longest one I could find, but it doesnt feel that long…There, Morranne. I’ve posted. Someday I might feel like writing the “What I Did on My Summer Vacation” essay…
i say
2002-09-07-12:30 a.m.
Somehow…despite all the discussions…I got roped into going to Rosh Hashannah services in the morning. I don’t know if I can outsing Sharon this year…
OK, at the end of MY summer, there IS going to be a big huge hoohah post about How I Spent My Summer Vacation, but until then, I just feel the need to rant. This will seem completely out of context until the end of September to most of you, but I dun care. Here goes…
My friends do NOT keep me locked up in a closet waiting to bust me out. I am NOT a secret weapon. I am NOT your fucking Kryptonite and I sure as hell don’t think I am. I do NOT have a superiority complex. I do NOT claim to be an expert on ANYTHING, except maybe Buffy. I NEVER DID. If I’ve been misinterpreted, up your fucking dosage.
Now then, one does NOT accuse the ONLY person/people in your immediate vicinity that thinks you actually have worth as a human being of something like that when you have nothing but POOR circumstantial evidence. It’s way uglier than what you suspect him/her of doing.
This isn’t something that is just going to go away, either. She was worried when the other one saw the note. -I- suggested she read your only form of outward communication. Then she was upset, hurt, pissed. She wanted to go hurt you back somehow. -I- talked her down. -I- told her to just send you a polite IM. For the first time in months, -I-, not she, was the one attempting peace. And she and I both know the same thing now. It’s fucking pointless with you. You don’t just stand behind your beliefs. You cower behind them. You don’t want to consider you might have been wrong. And moreover, you won’t.
You weren’t home before, and I didn’t know when you got home. And I was mad at you anyway. But I’d been there all day. They didn’t fucking “bring me in”. I didn’t even want to get involved, but she was so fucking hurt. She’s strong like me. It shakes me when she’s hurt.
I didn’t want it to end this way. You were different…just like all the others. You were funny and intelligent and seemed strong. You were clever and sweet. But there’s so much hate and hurt and anger there, and its all looking for an excuse to come out in the guise of patheticness and sadness and self-pity. People don’t hate what you are. They hate what you want to have been.
Here’s a poem from my collection that is too often glossed over:
November 15, 2000
I’m not your mother. I’m not your queen.
I think I am someone you haven’t seen.
I’m hardly the jovial leader you envision,
I never could make a sound, unsafe decision.
I can’t be a goddess, I haven’t the face,
Nor the power, strength, and never the grace.
I’m coarse and weak and small and scared.
My body’s broken and I’m emotionally impaired.
My mind is hazy and lazy and stupid and crude.
My humor’s not pure, it is oftentimes overly lewd.
I’m much better fitted to being a pawn
Than I am to being a deity over whom people fawn.
Yes, there’s more to the poem, but this was the original body of it. The rest was just added to have something funny in the collection.
An Improvised Kindermaarchen
Once upon a time, there was a princess, beautiful and good as any in the world, and every other princess for miles around wanted her as a companion, but there were so many hard choices to be made, that the Princess had a clever idea how to find the perfect one.
She built a great tower of electric blue sapphires and black onyx and locked herself inside, leaving no doors, and only a barred window at the top. Every day the Princess would sit by the windows and sing or sew, and everyone could see her beauty and talent, but any princess who tried to reach her failed and had to have their head chopped off.
Princesses came from all over the world, seeking the hand of Our Princess. Alas, wit, intelligence, even magick was useless against the smooth rounded walls of the tower, from which nothing could escape nor into which enter, and though the Princess cried encouragement for each of her suitors, she offered them no hint to the riddle she had created.
In time, the land grew thin of willing princesses, and the rest, seeing the fate of their friends, began to look elsewhere, and soon the Princess was forgotten. When she realized no one was coming anymore, she tried to let herself out into the world, but every time she had an idea, she shrugged it off and promised to do it another day, or would roll the plan over until she found out where it must go wrong. The key was too rusty and probably wouldn’t fit in the hole anymore. The bars were too thick and she couldn’t really loosen them if she tried. The bedroom she had built for herself in the tower was so cozy, and she would probably just be killed by robbers if she descended anyway.
Whenever her platonic friends, or any of the peasants shouted up advice, she would either ignore them and bemoan her fate, or have their heads chopped off as well.
And so the Princess lived out her days in the Tower, always bemoaning her fate to anyone who would pass by and feel sympathy for her, because they did not know the terrible things she had done that had gotten her trapped in her Tower.
Until one day, many years later, when age had consumed the mortar holding the bricks of onyx and sapphire together just disintigrated from age, and crumbled to the ground. The Princess crawled out of the rubble and looked around. She looked at the blue sky and saw the birds chirping. She looked at the green grass and saw the grasshoppers singing. She looked at the cool emerald shade of the forest, and all the creatures living there, and she saw the thousands of long-forgotten real friends, with concern in their eyes, who had come running when they heard the Tower crash to the ground.
The Princess looked at all of these miraculous sites, and turned around, and crawled back under the rubble, trying to stack the bricks around her back into shape.
The End.
Im not a fucking weapon, but I do go off.
Song(s) most stuck in my head today:
- How Am I Supposed to Live Without You? by Michael Bolton — don’t even fucking ask.
- Superman by Three Doors Down — The secret to great babysitting.
- Soak Up The Sun by Sheryl Crow — Well excuuuuuse me for trying a new tactic.
semi-phenominal, nearly-cosmic, completely fucked up
2002-09-30-4:04 p.m.
Unbefuckinlievable (woot to infixation). I finally get a hobby that isn’t exactly counter-productive, and some wench calls me on it because she objected to the content. I’m in SEL for four hours, and no one has checked out a laptop, and odds are they won’t, so I started making a collage of Eliza Dushku for Moranne, and Im trying to learn the most efficient way to delete the background, and I get a call from Kemp telling me not to dress up dolls in leather online. What?
Apparently, the managing SEL wench saw my Photoshopping, and it caused her alarm, and she called Kemp and told her I was wasting time. Bloody hell. So what should I do that’s more “CLICC-y”? Blogging is not CLICC-y, but because it doesnt involve sultry and pounceable actresses, at least not visually, I suppose it must be OK. Im even doing this on Notepad, incase the Diaryland interface is too flashy for her.
I need to learn Photoshop. I hate having to defer, and Im getting better at it. I’m not as good as John yet, of course, but my Nikita collage wasnt that bad, and there’s LOTS more pictures of Buffy characters online. I had just learned that Lasso has lots of potential for fine line deletes, and I got the call. *sigh* It was gonna be all cool, too. There was gonna be this whole poem and stuff.
I don’t wanna sound self-righteous or overly put-upon or anything, but old people can’t handle the hair, I think. Some people think it’s really cool, though, and that is gratifying.
Weekend before last, my dad, sister, and I went to the L.A. County Fair to see the Doo-Wah Riders play. They’ve been moved from their regular place, this open square with a map of the continental U.S. painted on the ground, to this place behind all the animals, called “The Barn Dance” or something. It’s a lot more country. The band is still just as Rock ‘n’ Roll as always though.
Anyway, we came in in the middle of a song, and my feet were KILLING me, or I would have made my daddy dance with me. At the end of the song, though, my attention is wandering and I hear over the mic “Is that Katie-roo with purple hair?!!” I smile and nod, and wave at him, and after a couple more comments, the set goes on. I didnt have the energy to Electric Slide.
After the set, Uncle Ken came up to us, and we talked, and he said he had wanted to add “Your dad dyed his hair purple when he was 20, and look what happened to him!”, which I thought would have been funny, and taken some of the pressure off of me. But ah well. He was a lot more congenial than the last time I talked to him. I was feeling childish the last time, and I think it scared him off or something. But he said he might come to a performance this weekend.
While we were talking to him, this other, older couple came up and started talking, too. After they said their goodbyes, and I started to talk to Ken again, I felt this hand on my hair. I stayed very still, because I’m disturbingly used to this by now (you’ll see when I post about the High Holidays and the rest of my vacation), and waited until the older lady was finished, then I turned around and answered all her questions cheerfully. No, this isnt Kool-Aid. Yes, this lasts a while. No, this started out as Pimpin Purple, but its fading. Yes, I like it. Yes, it’s real. Yes, I use bleach. She was actually very cool about it. I have yet to have to explain that no, I don’t ritualistically sacrifice children to Satan.
My mom says I get carded because of my hair. I like to think I get carded because my skin isnt all wrinkly and stuff. Oh, I’ve had a facial awakening (on the Sopranos last night, this guy was talking about his racial awakening, when he realized that his great great great grandmother was a quarter Native American!). My mom took me to Cipy weekend before last and I got a facial. She told me my skin was dehydrated. So Im scrubbing it every day, and lotioning it. It’s weird. I also got my eyebrows waxed. Im practically girly. Now I just have to lose, like, 30 pounds, and I’ll be a happy camper.
My sister’s on Weight Watchers now. She’s lost 13 lbs in, like, 4 or 5 weeks, which is cool, but she’s SO FUCKING ANNOYING ABOUT IT. I know I should be all supportive, but every time I offer her food its “Oh I can’t. I’m out of Points for today.” And she says it so that you know Points is capitalized. The commercials are all about not denying yourself, but she is, and she’s being obnoxious while she’s doing it. I snapped at her when we were going into the Fair the other day, because I was discussing getting a potato and corn with Dad, and she goes “I can’t. I’m out of Points.” I turned on her and said “I can’t stress how much nobody’s talking to you right now.” She looked kinda shocked, and dad chided me, but he didnt get bitchy, which is a credit to him. I was already mad at her because Dad had proposed we stay at a motel, so we could do the Fair up proper the next day, and Toby declined in her put-upon voice. In her “you-monsters-are-trapping-me-and-keeping-me-away-from-homework-and-my-friends” voice. I really am beginning to think the girl has no ability to stand on her own. It’s all school and friends. Even the books she reads, they’re stuff her clique is reading. During her vacation, we only had a couple weeks together, and it was fun, but she only talked about school and her friends. What they did, who said what clever thing. I know that is what people talk about, but there has to be OTHER TOPICS SOMEWHERE.
No one is going to check out a laptop. I see this now. The light has been shown unto me. I’m gonna be trapped here without human interaction forever. When I took over for Karen, I asked “What do we do here?” ’cause I’d missed the tour, and she kinda grinned in that mad, mad “I’ve been in isolation for too fucking long” way, and said “You sit here and tell people that the Circ desk is that-a-way.” Yup. Basically.
Tim, Bryan, and I are the only ones in our class who are not TS’s or Leads. Whee. I wonder if they get as much shit as I do from the big scary people (BSP). At least Charlie and Ricardo are nice, and Gabby. Jessica, I don’t know about, but you hear things. But how am I always in trouble? I’m NOT a bad consultant, I’m helpful, I know how to fix stuff. Even Shamaun laid off and became friendlier last year after he figured out I’m worth my weight in HTML. But the BSP don’t ever see me work, and they get complaints, and somehow I get the brunt of it without ever knowing what I did wrong, or even if the complaints were true and not just some ugly misunderstanding. If I ever become a lead, you best believe, I’m going to take notes and make sure my team is attended to with respect.
I really hate how the BSP deal with some stuff though. During training last week, there was a list of projects each team could do for points. We were the Temple of Artemis (which, hi?! signs? portents? anyone? come ON…). We did ALL of it and then some. The highest-scoring team got, like, 130 points. Then Lisa goes “And the lowest-scoring team…what were you doing with all your free time? 28 points, the Temple of Artemis!” which was a bullshit way to deal with an obvious mistake. None of us in the group are incompetents, and May and I are competitive as hell. And since it was supposed to be “just for fun”, we couldn’t really complain that much. I would have, but I had the sense to just shut up and bend over.
My classes seem fun at least. Syntax, Language Development, and Psych & Law. All the professors seem kinda cool, and Syntax feels way review-y. I actually feel like I’m un-learning stuff, which scares me, but I talked to my T.A., and she told me we would be learning better ways soon. I told Patrick what they were trying to teach us (a D and an N make an NP? WHAT?!! They raise to an S?! Did Hell freeze over?), and he was in pain and shock as well. I enjoy our shared Linguistic geekiness muchly.
This particular conversation happened last Friday night at the Nuart. They were having a midnight showing of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which rocks everyone’s socks. I got a modest gathering up of myself, Heather (new best friend, and fellow Buffy geek, more on this later :-p), Patrick, William, and Patrick’s roommate John. Heather and I were the first people in line, first in the door. Whee! Heather and William entertained each other a lot. John didn’t say a blessed word. Patrick and I chatted. Dave, my play’s producer, and Rhonda, our costumer, came and sat in our row, and I talked to Dave a little while about the play. Patrick heard our King John’s name, and got all betrayed looking, because BL was his Greek T.A., and between the two of us, Patrick had never heard of the Shakespeare Reading and Performing Group until earlier that week from me. But he will join this quarter, and all will be well.
The coolest thing for me about the whole Nuart experience was that I could look at Patrick and SEE him getting inspired. Neither he nor Heather had ever seen the movie before, and in Patrick I saw it take root in his mind. He got it.
Karen, Daiyo, Esther, and their respective groups were also there. CLICC represent! As much as I am beginning to dislike the BSP and some of their policies, I have a deep-rooted affection for my co-workers. It makes me happy we can all be geeks together.
I feel my little web of influence beginning to grow. I have Heather and Gigio, Patrick and William, CLICC people and Shakespeare people (though not so much Shakespeare people, I’m the child there, and often alienated), my roomies. Friends. It’s so weird to be in groups again. To have in-jokes. But its fun too. I saw Meital and Adam today. They were driving today, and we had a shouted convo as they drove past. Perhaps they will join us on our movie outing. Next week is Fight Club.
happy birthday to…aw, screw it…
2002-10-18-2:49 p.m.
I wish I had more time to blog. I really do. I wish I had more time for everything. I don’t.
OK, so a couple days ago, the Daily Bruin printed this piece of libel. So I responded, as did Michi. Now Heather and I are starting a paper called The Two-Cent Whore, and we’ve already gotten a lot of interest. I think we may be too late for University approval this year, but we’ll see. We have it all planned out sort of, and provided we find someone willing to cut us a break on printing, we should be able to have free distribution.
I think I pissed off some guy in my law class and that makes me upset. Kinda hurt. I just got SOOO tired of everyone harrassing the poor defense lawyer who was speaking to us because he defends child molesters and murderers and gets them off on technicalities. That’s his job! We knew that before he came to class! Get over it! Move on! Ai-fucking-ya!
No birthday for me this year, it looks like. Maybe in November, but then what’s the point? Especially if everyone had midterms by then. Goddamn it! My 19th birthday was aiight, and my 20th was really fun, except for that little explosion between Pete and Y?. I guess I was getting spoiled. Ive been 21 for 6 days, and still havent done the thing! Friends are supposed to go with you to do the thing! You know that thing where you go into a bar for the first time or a club or something and buy a drink legally? I never had a fake ID. This was actually kinda important to me, but they flaked cause they ALWAYS fucking flake, and yes Y?, you can tell as many people as you want that.
I’ve lost the ability to cry. I found that out again yesterday. I cried for like, less than a minute, and it just felt fake to me so I stopped. I wonder if that’s a bad thing?
Im so fucking busy all the time. Im gonna be late for fencing. Or maybe I should just skip fencing. Its not like Im ever gonna go to a club to meet anyone who will appreciate the cuter, thinner me.
I’m so fucking sick of friends flaking on me. It’s become more or less of a constant in my life. Im sure I’ve written about this before, but it’s true. People make promises all the fucking time and never see it through. And I KEEP being optomistic. I act cynical usually, but I always secretly hold out hope that hell will freeze over and someone will actually help me out, or do something really thoughtful for me. Is that selfish? Probably. I don’t think you can do anything in this life that isn’t selfish, and I wonder if that alone shouldnt make me lose faith in people altogether.
Sarah and Heather remembered and got me something, and the next day Patrick, Heather, Will, and I watched Buffy and played at ring-around-the-rosie, but that wasnt about me. That was about all of us. We are Four right now, and that’s warm and fuzzy and everything, and its to some extent what I’ve always wanted, but even Heather’s flaked. And none of them are 21. I’m gonna be bussing it to clubs until I can get my fucking license. I’ve failed twice so far. Third one’s the charm, eh?
So here I am. I have so much more to write, but no time to write it in. I’m off to fencing. Not that Nick or Patrick will be there…
anniversaries…
2002-10-25-9:08 a.m.
I must remember that October 24th is now an anniversary.
You know, as sucky as my birthday was, perhaps they are charmed a little. Just a touch.
OK, so me and Sapo, yeah? We’re a thing so far. I met him at Comic Con in San Diego this summer. We email, we talk on the phone, we hang out, we talk comics. Now we kiss.
He’s always been unusually overindulgent of my scatterbraindedness, and he’s even more laidback than I. That’s two things that are different than my other relationships. This one is organic. No major part of this relationship depends on the net. Amd he pursued me.
I still feel weird calling it a relationship, or him my boyfriend though. When I look at him, I still see Sapo. I think I convinced myself when I met him that this wouldnt happen.
So am I in love with him? What are you, deficient? I adore him, but Im not in love. I reserve that for people who can destroy me, or who I will never obtain, which is the same thing. Plus Sapo is my business partner. Although he says I can handle the money…
Must dash to discussion. Want to write more. I still owe my legions of adoring fans What I Did On My Summer Vacation and a rundown of what I’ve done so far this year.
for nully
2002-10-25-11:15 a.m.
My friend Adam, Null Flux, did wish me a happy birthday on my birthday. I love and adore him and I’m sorry I didn’t mention him before, only he was a bit beside the point at the time. Can you forgive me, bite-buddy?
procrastination time by golly…
2002-10-28-2:55 a.m.
OK, you can’t really hear the music to it, but the title of this post is paraphrasing a Tom Lehrer song, his Christmas Carol which is muchly funny and everyone should know it by heart.
OK, addendums…both Lisa and Moranne IM’ed me birthday cheer and yayness, but again, though appreciated, not the wild orgy of music I was planning on.
I have got to break up with Sapo. Phil says screw tact, be honest. He’s right. I know he’s right. Its the only possible way to save the relationship. It just, after living with so many girls for so long, it seems so…counterintuitive.
He adores me. He’s sweet and laid back and kind and has an amazing spirit, but he’s just not the one. My head is too easily turned. I’m a horrible person. I’m a shallow bitch, as Heather put it.
Heather needs a blog.
This weekend we ran hella hard. Hella hella hella. Friday night, the whores convened at a friend of a whore’s place for a costume party. Some of the frat whores got kicked out, and several of us went to the friend who had invited us’ pad. Much non-sexual orgy was had. Five of us squeezed onto a twin bed and talked. Hehe.
For a cult of geeks, we have a lot of FINE guys and girls running with the Whores. I force them to watch Buffy with the promise of future porn. My tentacles run deep. So deep.
What’s a World Series? Bloody boys with sticks and balls.
Anyway, I didn’t get home/to sleep until about 11:30 Saturday morning, then I had a party Saturday night @ the Black Box with Jacaranda and NEPTEP!!!! I love those guys. All of them. Oodles. Heather liked the bands but she was too tired to dance. No one would really dance with me. Adan just kinda sat off to the side. It was all very sad. Elvis saved my life.
That bears explanation. I was nearly bored ot tears with wanting a lively dance partner, and Jacaranda started playing Jailhouse Rock. Nate came up to me, and we started to sock-hop. I realize now how very very very white that type of dancing is. We seemed to be the only ones in the room who knew how to do it, and I can only think that Nate knew I could do it because either we’d done it before, or because Im so very white. It was soooooooooooo fun though! I love that stuff. It was like dancing with my daddy again.
I didn’t get to freak with Luis, but Heather at least approved of my choice in unattainable crushes.
Anyway, Sapo and Adan dropped me off around 2:30 and I actually got sleep! Like, 9 hours! But a ghastly turn of events made it so I couldnt study much today. I ran all over Westwood and the dorms with Y? and this Whore, and only got back in time to get into the middle of my first drama-fest in a while.
Ah well. All is quiet now. I don’t think stupid people or Republicans should be allowed to vote sometimes. Or do I repeat myself? Im reading about the Juvenile System and the stem of the laws allowing/commanding children to be tried as adults, and they are NOT well-thought out. Mostly, theyre horrible responses ot mass hysteria.
I could be a judge. I could be a juvenile court judge. But I’d have to pass the LSAT first. Sooo…nevermind. Writing it is.
I wuv Nully. He cheers me right up. Cheer!
I’m so tired. Drama drains me so much. Im glad I don’t work until 7pm tomorrow.
I offered to help Jacaranda with their website. I couldn’t read Brian very well. I hope he decides to let me. I could use a project, since Im not fucking WORKING lately. Goddamn them for overhiring. Stupid lab.
instant venting
2002-10-28-1:38 p.m.
Him: Mew!
Me: rawr!
Him: o.o
Him: hiyo!
Me: allo!
Him: *pounces*
Me: eep!
Him: What’s up, sweets?
Me: *snuggles* I got into a fight with my roommate last night
Him: =(
Him: *mrrrs and gropes you absentmindedly* Which one?
Me: but I diffused it.
Me: *snuggles* Sarah. The boys don’t/won’t fight with me
Him: Why?
Me: Because she’s nuts
Him: No, why won’t the boys?
Me: One is Bhuddist and the other one doesnt really know me enough
Him: LOL
Him: Those are such great reasons.
Him: *kisses the top of your head and yawns to himself*
Him: What was the fight about?
Me: OK, like…Heather was feeling ill from partying so much, and she had a lot of homework to do, and she was tearing herself up about this guy, and she was too ill/shaky to drive home. But we were talking it out and I was calming her down.
Him: Okay…
Me: Sarah’s mom was staying with us, and she comes into the room, and starts packing up and saying she’s leaving. And Sarah comes in and tries to half-ass hint that she’s like Heather to go, and when Heather asks if she can stay, Sarah rolls her eyes and says “Whatever.”
Him: …
Me: But with like a lot of anger behind it
Him: that’s silly
Him: why so much resentment?
Me: So I follow her out and go “dude, what’s wrong?” and she’s like “Nothing!” and I was like “that’s bullshit. You’re being passive. Im getting her to leave.”
Me: because she’s passive and only rages at certain people and tries to keep it all on the d/l around her roomies
Me: I know this because I used to be on the receiving end a lot
Him: =/
Him: sarah, this is?
Me: So Im gathering Heather up, and she comes in and goes “Don’t tell me not to be passive! You con’t do that! Don’t TELL me how to handle things emotionally”
Me: yeah
Him: …
Him: wtf.
Him: that’s. so. dumb.
Me: So I get Heather out (Mike drives her home, and Lauren drives Mike back)
Me: And, like, Im coming back from the elevator, and Sarah and her mom come into the elevator, and her mom is pulling a suitcase. And Im like “You’re still leaving? But I got her out!”
Me: And he mom is like “Yeah” and Im like “What the fuck ever” and let them. And Mike and Lauren get back first, and we talk a little, and Sarah comes back, storms around, calls Y?, and leaves to go meet her, so Mike, Lauren and I talk for a while, and Y? calls and is like “OK, Sarah’s on her way back. Just to give you a heads up. You’re on the level of Van now, and I’m an insensitive bitch who doesnt understand anything.”
Me: Van is someone Sarah REALLY hates.
Him: …wtf
Him: lol
Him: that’s so so so so SO stupid
Him: just hit her with a two by four.
Me: So I relay the message to Mike and Lauren, and Lauren and I start telling Mike exactly how evil Sarah is when he’s not around.
Me: hehe…yeah…Y? is getting close to that point, cause since Lauren and I are here, Y? is the only one she still bitches at.
Him: Y?
Him: …
Me: Y? our friend. She doesnt like her name being used. And I used to watch a lot of Pete and Pete.
Him: Is she like… Ø, Formerly known as Null….?
Me: hehe…not exactly.
Him: lol
Him: okies =)
Me: So yeah, Y? calls again, and Lauren talks to her, and gets more specific information, and we talk a little more, and Sarah comes back and I start reading my text books.
Me: So then Sarah eventually comes out and sees me glance at her and goes “Do you WANT to talk?” amd I was like “Yeah, but I can wait until you calm down more” and Sarah says how she’s just resentful because everytime she has someone over, I bring someone to sleep over.
Him: oh…
Him: so there’s nowhere to put ‘em
Me: And first of all, I did NOT bring Patrick to sleep over.
Me: Oh there is
Me: I have a really big bed
Me: Not the point
Him: oh, okay
Me: She had TOLD me to bring Patrick over to meet her sister
Me: But by the time I had got him there, they were all ready for bed.
Him: Ohhh…
Me: So I asked Sarah to drive us home and she had agreed. I knew she might bring it up, but I didnt realize she would present it so easily I could argue her down with a couple tactful points.
Him: I understand.
Him: aren’t we talking about heather coming over tho?
Me: yeah, but Sarah always gotta bring up the past
Him: oh, okay
Me: Anyway, and with Heather, I didnt mean for her to sleep over, but she obviously couldnt drive, and I hadnt thought to as Mike and Lauren to take care of her, but once they offered I took it.
Him: aha.
Me: So anyway, Sarah thought that Heather had been rude to refuse Mike’s offer originally, and things escalated again, and she started telling me how I can’t tell her how to take things emotionally cause he family used to do that, and I told her she can’t be passive with me, because my dad does that, and it always builds up and that I’ve been around Sarah long enough to know she DOES blow up.
Me: And she goes “Well, you can’t tell me how to behave just because of something your IfamilyI does” and I go “Dude! Isnt that just what you told me with a different perspective and point?”
Me: and she got pisseder again and went into our room and was like “Maybe I’ll move out at the end of Fall Quarter” and I was like “K, whatever.” and she goes “I regret ever having invited you to move in.”
Him: seriously, there’s nothing to say on my part except that sarah’s just dumb.
Me: Which kinda hurt, but not much, so I went into Mike and Lauren’s room, and talked with Mike a little while Lauren showered, and Sarah came in and threw herself on Mike’s bed and was like “OK, we’re gonna talk about this as a grouip, cause Im not having talking in my house behind my back”
Me: yeah, I know. *sigh* Im just venting in type.
Him: I know, and understand. *points to his furry blue ears* That’s why they’re here.
Me: But she looked really surprised that I was amicable and controlled, and she was kinda quieter, because she generally is in front of Mike. And I was able to completelyh diffuse it in a few minutes, to the point where she apologized, and then later we were talking and laughing as usual.
Him: *smirks*
Him: You’re. So. Damn. Cool.
Me:
Him: I wish I was nearly as cool as you. :’(
Me: Im just calm and rational. The only way you can tell when Im angry outwardly is my cheeks turn red and they burn.
Him: lol
Him: Must be cute, though.
Me: But I talk to everyone calmly and evenly with eye contact, and take culpability where it’s due. I told her I shouldn’t have said the passive thing in front of her mother, and I shouldnt have cussed in front of her either.
Me:
Him: Smart of you, you conflict mediator you.
Me:
Me: I learned it from my mom, and lots and lots of the rapists.
Him: lol
Me: My parents always used to drag me to therapy cause I don’t release my anger or anything, and I ended up all depressed and suicidal and whatnot, and I still don’t release my anger, so there.
Him: Ah, righto.
Me: *giggles* but it doesnt make me depressed anymore. I can channel it out.
Me: its all kewl as beanz.
songs are songy
2002-10-28-7:44 p.m.
nully said he’d make it pretty for me.
Twist
I hook the noose under my chin
Every time I welcome you in
I kick the platform out myself
When I try to save your mental health
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why don’t I just let you go free?
Gallow’s promise, stomach-twister
Hanging on like a desperate sister.
Hanging from your heart.
Not much in this world I won’t do
To spend each waking minute with you
So much in my mind I can’t say
Explain why you need to keep away.
Your kindness makes you precious as hell
Your vision makes you an easy-sell
So why am I choking on other dreams?
Twisting in a wind of stifled screams?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why don’t I just let you go free?
Gallow’s promise, stomach-twister
Hanging on like a desperate sister.
Hanging from your heart.
Always wanted a nice boy for my own
A soulmate made of flesh and bone
But my flesh is burning for anything more
My bones are creaking over the trap door
Any half-brained bystander can see
How madly in love you are with me
But I can’t see us being ever after
Just decaying friendship under laughter.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why don’t I just let you go free?
Gallow’s promise, stomach-twister
Hanging on like a desperate sister.
Hanging from your heart.
I guess what I’m trying to say
Is I love you so much but go away
‘Cause Im hanging around waiting for you
To cut down my corpse and find someone new.
It’s not you, it’s me.
It’s me…
to be arranged…
2002-11-04-12:15 p.m.
Other songs I’ve written…
Fragment
I look at you and see apocolypse,
Tragedy plays on your sweet lips.
Ash and smoke choke me with your fingertips
Massacre rolls between your hips.
Why is it when I look at you
I just see pain and…
I just see pain and…
I just see pain and…
Blood you drew?
Maybe you never really meant to hurt
What was too fresh from the dirt
Maybe you didn’t intend to revert
Soon after one soul-crushing spurt.
Something’s not right, and that’s you
You don’t know you’re playing a game
I can’t win. What can I do to stop you?
Make an innocent feral tame?
Limelight Lou
In the bright limelight, rockin’ the ‘fro
Leopard-striped jeans and saxamaphone
Voice like an angel burnin’ up his cloud
Never too old, music’s never too loud!
Playin’ all the most fucked up shit
Turnin’ out masterpieces, never a hit
Makin’ love to your fans writhin’ on the floor
Everynight rollin’ as ringmaster and whore.
I’m just an eggplant girl lost in the crush,
A Wonder Woman in the crowd’s headrush
Jacaranda groupie, lighter in hand
Swayin’, freakin’ for a rock-n-roll band.
Chewbacca did his business here
Afroman’s funkiness srikes fear
Ain’t nothing plastic beads can’t buy
Leadin to sex in the duplex in the sky
Not brilliant, but some people like the imagery. I need to give out more passwords…
Comments:
Terby – 2004-04-01 14:59:06
This is a great thing, the same to all I know is hard to lose somebody. But sometimes is just sad thinking about sad things like that my friends lost a familiar and a cool singer burly died which he was so famous.
reevaluations
2002-11-04-12:23 p.m.
Im avoiding studying for Syntax. because Im a genius. I should be trying to track down my T.A.
Laundry was never so fun. But DAMN the dryer took a long time to finish. I’m just highly amused by how secluded the Laundry Room is in my apt.
OK, so fuck everything I said before about Sapo. All my stupid ideas about finding someone I completely click with are never gonna happen. Im big, fat, and ugly, and the people I fall in love with are either insane, imbalances, or shallow. Sapo really likes me, and he brought me lots of quarters last night AND carried my laundry basket up and down the stairs a couple times, so, really, what have I got to complain about? He’ll never fight with me, he wants to please me, and he meets everything except the teeth and height requirement, which are shallow anyway. Basically, barring some strange act of Fate, I’ll never do better. Not many will.
i should be sleeping
2002-10-11-10:21 a.m.
Let’s do this by date…
10/25/2002 — That night we went to Audrey’s friend’s party. It was cool beans. Daniel brought his boyfriend Daniel, and it was all gravy. Sarah dropped me off. Heather rocked the kitten costume. I wore my little black dress, mary janes, and cloak. Sapo and Adan showed up, dressed hella freakier than anyone else. I discovered I could never date a cross-dresser. Or stand to kiss Sapo when his entire head was painted with acryllic paint. Heather and I talked a lot. Some of our friends got thrown out of the party for no particularly good reason, so me, Heather, Adam, John, and Audrey retreated to Audrey’s. John made sure that he and Michi ate crackers and drank water before Michi passed out on Audrey’s bed. John colored his eyebrow in with green Sharpie. John is like, the coolest freshman, not to mention incredibly responsible even when he’s drunk. Adam and John ducked out at varying points, and Michi, Audrey, and I went to breakfast at around 11am the next morning. I still had a lot of makeup on, and I was rockin’ the cloak, so I got a lot of fun looks. I didn’t have any cash, so I hit Noah’s Bagels after I took my leave and got my Bagel mit Egg, Artichoke, Tomato, and Cheese on. Then I went home and slept.
10/26/2002 — The LARP failed to um…exist as far as I know. I went to Jacaranda’s Halloween show with Heather. I was wearing the costume I’ve wore for the last couple years. She was way tired from the night/morning before, so she only stayed until Sapo and Adan showed up. But we owned before that. We kept this one guy enthralled with vague, nasty-sounding descriptions of the Love Bed, chatting to each other and bickering as though we didnt realize he was listening. We’re evil. Anyway, Heather heard nNeptEP and became a groupie there and then even though she wouldn’t dance with me. (*pout*). Luis prettymuch ignored me the whole night. I became even more entrenched in my anti-crossdresser policy. I really could hardly pay attention to Sapo, I was so apalled. Adan took the facepaint this time though, and he looked badass, even though he didn’t really play with us. I kinda feel bad. Adan and Sapo really liked Jacaranda’s lyrics (they missed Nep alltogether). Much fun was had. We got home lateish and I crept into bed. Sarah’s mom was spending the night.
10/29/2002 — Buffy night!!! Hasti came! And Audrey and Gigio and Cabbie. And Daniel, but he was sick and had to go home. It was a rerun (GRR!), but it helped people get caught up. Then we went to McDonald’s and ate and played in their parking lot for hours and hours, and then Cabbie, Audrey, Gigio, and I went to Gigio’s and Audrey and I played on Geege’s bed while Cabbie and Geege WHORED (that’s soooo…very…wrong…). I got in way way late. Insofar as I can remember.
10/31/2002 — Language Development midterm, I finished in like 20 minutes. Hopefully I passed. I think I knew everything I needed to know. I dashed from classes, did the social thing, changed, met the crew for the night at my place. We got a late start, but Sarah tipped us off to the Musical Haunted House, which was cheesy, but rocked. I was stalling for time until my proper costume was ready (I was wearing my old costume again, much to Will and Patrick’s amusement…they hadnt seen the “Jigglies” — as Will termed them — before), but we went and fetched it, and later rather than sooner, Heather, Audrey, Mike, Patrick, Will, and I ended up in WeHo. We missed the festivities, but tons of people were still out. Heahter and I sang Nep’s “Halloweenie” as often as we could muster without raising the wrath of the others. We also sang Buffy Musical songs. We played ring-around-the-rosie in front of Barney’s Beanery…for old times’ sake. We didn’t get home that late, but it was a good Hallow’s Eve in the altogether. I spent a lot of the rest of the night studying.
11/1/2002 — Psych 187A midterm. (C!) I r hardcore. At least I passed. And worked. That night Sarah, Mike, and I went to Pete’s for a costume party, so I got to don the gown and makeup again. Sapo came and picked me up and met the last of the group from that part of my life. Pete and Nick told me some stuff that upset me, so I asked Sapo if we couldn’t go to his place. No prizes for guessing what happened. I’m not complaining. The next day, we woke up around 1:30pm. I met Simon and Max, Sapo and Adan’s other roommies. They’re funny!
11/2/2002 — Whorgy at Gigio’s! I brought Eric-from-work and we didn’t leave till five, and there are fabulous photos! Love Couch, Love Bed, Love Floor Corner…there was much love to be had by all.
11/5/2002 — Syntax Midterm. I breezed through, and ended up with a B-. Yay! I passed! I’ll pass the class!! w00t. After that, I met this guy Wayne. He’s Chinese and wants a white girl to help him with his English. Heather met him too. Sounds easy like cheese. We had a massive Buffy night and took over the Winchell’s for a long time. There are photos. Damn Michi. Sapo and Adan came over much later when a few of them had gone already, but it was all good. We watched the gubernatorial returns come in. Republicans suck ass.
11/6/2002 — I had my first rehearsal for the Scene Night. It was sweet. Sapo picked me up from school and drove me to the Valley. He met my sister and mom, and we talked stickers. I grabbed my jacket so I dont die of hypothermia this winter, and some books I’d rather not be without anymore. That’s fuckin’ teamwork! Heh. Tenacious D…
11/8/2002 — Sapo had formally invited me to spend the night. I like those quiet times together soo much. We…just…talk…a lot. He’s brilliant, really.
11/9/2002 — I woke up early and finished the book Martin had leant me while Sapo slept. Talked to Simon a little. Orson Scott Card is insane. I question the ansible a lot now. Sapo took me to REALLY late breakfast at New Japan. I got home around 4, slept a little, woke up and chatted while waiting for Sapo and Adan to pick me up. We went to the Gig on Melrose for Luis’ birthday gig. Bastards passed out their Girls Gone Wild! collection and didn’t give me any! *pout*. From there, we went to the after-party, which was boring for the most part, but we still had a good time and talked to people, and Sapo and I danced. I adore nNeptEP. John is a comic book artist too, and we told him about Comic Con. Adan learned what “space work” meant, and he and some of the Black Box actors mimed passing a pipe. It was highly amusing. We got home relatively early, but I loved talking to the Black Box group. God I love actors and musicians. I got home around 3 or 4. Rawr.
11/10/2002 — I slept. A lot. My mom came by and picked up the stickers for Toby to sell. I called Rhonda. She was sick, and Im sick, so we shifted our appointment to next week when we hopefully wont both be sick so much. I called Heather and we talked for a while. Then I slept some more until 6pm, when Audrey called ot make sure I was coming to pr0n night. I woke up, dressed, grabbed what pr0n I had available, grabbed breaky/lunch/dinner at Yoshinoya, hopped a bus, went to Audrey’s, went with her to Adam’s. We got jaded really quickly (like 4 hours later), so we started watching Spiderman. Sapo called around 12:30am and asked what was up. He picked me up around 2, so we could go over the comic, and the expressions I intended them to have. At his place. We make a good team. He had to work in the morning, and I in the afternoon, so we’d have to wake up around 8:30, but I was all warped by the pr0n. Then we talked some more. I think Im falling in love. Or some reasonable facsimile.
11/11/2002 — Sapo dropped me off this morning. I should be sleeping, but I owe the world a really good blog. Sapo’s been over even the nights I didnt list here, for the most part. He’s so good to me. I have this sick urge to tell my parents about him. They’ve both met him for various reasons already. I dunno. Sapo and I have a way of talking for hours without saying anything. I feel awkward admitting anything emotional to him, because he never really says anything back, and Im terrified it’ll end up like with Johnny. Dammit, John. Do you have ANY idea how much you fucked me up with that shit? Or what if you just prepared me for a future of that?
I love KaZaA and WinAmp.
once more, with feeling
2002-11-26-12:58 p.m.
Sapo dropped me last night. Or something. Im not quite sure. He was being really quiet and unresponsive, and I started pressing him about what he was thinking about. Why am I a twit?
For the last week or two, I suspected Sapo wasn’t happy. He wasn’t as affectionate. I tried to tell myself it was because he was tired. Or something. No. Of course not. It was the one thing that could really REALLY fuck me up.
He can’t form human attatchments, he said. He wasn’t sure he could give me what I need to make me happy. He thought I was thinking too much about him. Or something. Its not me, its him. Well, its mostly him.
What kills me is I was convinced this was going to be a NORMAL relationship. If we were gonna break up it was gonna be on some political stance or he was cheating on me or SOMETHING. I can’t take THIS twice.
Two artists, both named Jo(h)n, both using me as that space while they suss out why they can’t REALLY be with anybody. Im beginning to come to that point where I just want a boyfriend who fucks me because he likes me. And all I wanted to do last night was to crawl into Sapo’s arms for solace. Solace from Sapo. Jesus, how fucked up am I?
So now, what? I go back on the path I was on before. Sapo finishes drawing the comic, we win money. I go back to haunting Luis’ shows. After that, we keep making comics together, but mostly through email. Maybe we’ll see each other at Comic Con. I can’t fucking believe this.
Again. Again, again, again. I was terrified this would happen, but I thought it was just JOHN. I could be comfortable around Sapo because I thought he LIKED me. HE pursued me. HE initiated everything. And all so he could bring me the same crashing pain that John did. The same, same, same, but worse, worse, worse.
My mother had a maid call’d Barbary
She was in love, and he she loved proved mad
And did forsake her. She had a song of ‘willow’,
An old thing ’twas, but it expressed her fortune,
And she died singing it. That song tonight
Will not go from my mind. I have much to do
But to go hang my head all at one side,
And sing it like poor Barbary. Prithee dispatch.–Desdemona, Othello, Act IV, Scene iii
The last time I’ve cried for any substantive length of time was when the doctor who was trying to flush out my dogbite wanted to give be a shot to numb the pain. I wouldn’t let Lisa come in with me then because I didn’t want her to see me weak as I always am around needles.
I’ve decided to let last night interfere with me going to school today. I’ll do the homework I was meant to turn in today tomorrow, and will sulk, and perhaps study today.
I fought with Heather Sunday night, and we have not spoken since. I don’t understand why she thinks lying is alright. So without my best friend, and quite without my boyfriend, I suppose I shall turn to my studies for solace.
The poor soul sat sighing by a sycamore tree,
Sing all a green willow:
Her hand on her bosom, her head on her knee,
Sing willow, willow, willow.
The fresh streams ran by her and murmured her moans,
Sing willow, willow, willow:
Her salt tears fell from her and softened the stones;
Sing willow, willow, willow;-Desdemona, Othello, Act IV, Scene iii
echoes in my ribcage
2002-12-01-10:46 p.m.
I feel desolate. Its such an overdramatic word, but I do. Just…empty. Something is gone. Its not made easier that so many people arent available lately. Fucking Thanksgiving, cutting into my social life.
Thanksgiving was turkey-free. Daddy smoked a whole chicken and a tri-tip roast on the grill, and made some garlic mashed potatoes, yams with only a tiny bit of brown sugar and butter, that were yummeriffic, some salad, and his balsamic pickles. It was alllll good.
But it was lonely, justy the four of us, the dogs locked outside so they couldnt bother momma and poppi with their begging. Adan didn’t come. He thought he might, but after Sapo and me, and the fact he had gotten his appendix out the day before, he didn’t come.
Poor Adan. I want to take care of him, as a friend, but I don’t know what the rules are, if we’re friends now or what. This hasnt come up before.
Sarah is OUT! Denise is in! Its a brave new world. I hope against hope that peace will descend now, and that I ace finals.
Desolation…all in my heart, consuming, eating away at my spirit. Worse than it was before, because he was a constant companion. Even if my other friends were away, Sapo could usually fill in, make me feel wanted…
Its funny what you can feel despite what there is to be felt.
I want the comic to be done, and turned in. I want him to show up afterwards and say “I’m sorry I did that to you. Let’s go to Vegas.” God, Vegas. And Comic Con. And the painting he said he’d give me. The stupid plans you make in relationships. And they’re all gone. All fake. Never intended to be seen through. Like so much in this life.
Is it wrong to seek solace? Shouldnt this just pass eventually? Dull in my mind and heart as everything else does? Of course it will, but I feel robbed and hurt and, traitorously, wistful. All there WAS was good memories, right up until the last night. Im not blocking out horrible fights. I’m not blocking out anything terrible. It was good, except that I could feel him pulling away, and I HAD to press him about it.
But finals are around the corner. Then I’ll crash and burn and maybe the smoke will carry my soul away. Maybe I’ll be free when testing is done, and all I have to look forward to is work.
My mom wants a list of things I want for Present Day. I honestly don’t know what I want. Should I ask for practical things? I dont know what we need. I guess the Couch and Coffee Table. I guess organizers from Linens n’ Things and/or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. And I don’t know what I would ask for for fripperies. Books? The Season 2 Buffy DVD’s I never bought and don’t have a player to watch them on? The Pignose I would adore but never play? Bass lessons? A better desk chair? Ooooh…that’s very possible. And a keyboard tray? Or would that become unnecessary with a higher chair? Maybe another facial? Or laser hair removal for my face?
I want to finish my novels, and sell my comics, and…and…and find a lifemate. And I want to do it all now. I want to ensure my future in case I have to drop out of school. I want to establish my skills that will keep me from menial labor.
Ive been thinking about becoming a police profiler, or FBI. Naw, the gov’t wouldn’t want me. But maybe the locals. Make decent money to work up profiles of serial killers. I could do it. Im finding I have the constitution for it. It disturbs me a little.
Apparently, the only use my linguistic skills have anymore are to keep my sister on her Spanish teacher’s (also a former UCLA Ling major) good side. I feel so special.
one midnight gone
2003-01-03-12:25 p.m.
Happy New Year!!! I went to my first rave with Denise, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s friends. It wasn’t OODLES of fun, but I got made out with. The guy was kinda skeezy, and probably on all kinds of E, but it was nice to be noticed, even if it wasnt nice to have a tongue aimed at my throat every time I turned around.
Christmas went well, I guess. I got a lot of money and books from my Amazon.com list. I also got a CD burner! FINALLY, people listened! I bought a lot of makeup, stuff for the apt, and Buffy, Season 2! w00t!
Following extreme boredom, insomnia, and wanting to start 2003 off right, I made a Spike/Drusilla/Buffy collage for my desktop wallpaper. Its very very very cool, and you should all be jealous. I also finished my set of Buffy cursors, which I may or may not put up for d/l on here. I probably will put up the whole set. It would be a good ego trip.
I have melded back into the single life with minimal badness. Im too used to being alone. It sux0r.
My daddy took Toby, Ari, and I to San Diego last weekend. Since no one was around when we got there, we went to TJ for a while. It was Ari’s first time since the womb, and Tob and I havent been since we were little. It was a lot of fun, and everything was good and cheap, but Daddy said later that one time he wandered out of touristy TJ and into the more urban part, and there were deformed people and children for rent, so now I feel guilty buying from the merchants. Still, it was a good day, except that daddy’s wallet got stolen while crossing the border. He had been paid for a session in cash, and he had it all on him. My dad had bought a guitar though for $75, so he was happy, and part of me thinks the wallet was stolen as karma for being so fucking obnoxious with the dealers. I get that theyre inflating their prices, but a little decorum about it isnt a big thing to ask. Toby and Ari and I kept having to lower our heads. The only thing I bought was a statue of a skeleton in a dress. It reminded me of Sapo during the Halloween hols.
I like James and Cathy’s kids. Their daughter especially is quite the pixie. She looks five, but she’s eight and full of life, and a gymnast. My dad’s brother’s new daughter is five or six and outspoken and demanding and pushy, but that makes me happy, cause my uncle deserves it. He was so cold. He never looks happy unless he’s discussing his daughter. She’s so cool, and took to me right away. I drew lots of pictures for her, and the one I drew of her came out rather well, for being entirely in burgundy crayon. I gave her the bracelet Toby gave me in TJ. My aunt could NOT relax while Mara and I were hanging out. She was convinced the girl was bothering me, or I was gonna get her kid killed or something. As IF. The kids I babysit prefer me over Toby. toby gets more work than I do because she’s around and more willing to work, and cause I think parents have reservations about a 20-something babysitter, but I really think I have the edge. I like kids. Toby got annoyed too easily by Mara.
Ooh! Heather and I saw 25th Hour last week. I love me some Edward James Norton, Jr. I liked it because there wasnt a point or a moral. You were just watching a guy moving through his life with a very inevitable and immediate conclusion hanging over his head. I hate Anna Paquin though. I dont know if its run-over hate form X-men, but I just couldnt stand the girl on camera. She didn’t seem real or something, but not in a good way. Like someone had pasted her into the film as an afterthought.
Ji had come out for the week and some around X-mas and the New Year, and she spent a couple days with Toby and I. We ate, shopped, slept, rented videos. We got Death to Smoochy (gods, but I love Ed Norton!) and Spiderman (and Tobey Macguire aint bad either). I promised Id return them Wednesday, but I was afraid to drive on my own. I got the courage up Thursday night, but when I got to the store, I realized Spiderman wasnt in its case! I had to drive back, and I got Denise to drive me back to the store once I had rectified everything. I think she was more than a bit annoyed, but Im really scared shitless of driving, especially at night for some reason.
I cant WAIT for my official driver’s license to come in! I hate showing the CA ID I have. Its soooo ugly. The new one is gonna be demi-godly in comparison.
I called the Market Street hostel today, and they said I could make reservations two weeks before Comic Con, so Im gonna try to call again in mid-June, or maybe even April and see how early I can make the reservations, cause I dont trust convention goers.
Hah, Comic Con, in theory, is going to be host to Luis, Sapo, AND John. Cause that’s not awkward at all for me. Yeah. :-p eh, it’ll be fun if I know more people. And if Heather really goes too, it could be even better. If Martin goes too, that will be AWESOME. He’s be the only guarantee I’d have that we would party every night. I dont trust any of the others. Hell, I KNOW at least two of them never touch anything fun. John and Heather should date. They can be non-imbibing abstinence-ridden prudes together! I’d be such a good matchmaker.
I think I’d be a good fashion designer too. In Two Towers, I commented to someone, Liv Tyler looks just awful in the scene where her father is convincing her to leave. She needs a necklace. See, I could solve the world’s fashion problems with my intuition.
Im getting sick. My throat is sore. I took some Vitamin C, but I dont think it will be enough. Im looking at Echinacea, vitamin supplements, zinc/C tablets, green tea, and….vegetables. Ah, what we dont go through for health.
For the most part, my life is on an even keel right now. I’ve been writing some. All I really need right now is a lover. Someone good and cute and sane and ABLE TO FORM HUMAN ATTATCHMENTS! and liberal and funny and NOT NAMED JO(H)N! and with a good sex-drive. See? Im getting less picky. There’s no car requirement anymore. Im practically philosophical about it now.
Anyway, its nearly one, and I must start my shift. One by one, the Whores return to LA with the knowledge that they should not have left. I promised Tru I’d party tonight. Yay! I only got 3 hours of sleep or so. Damn. I will survive! Just getting back on pace for the quarter!
I need to email Natasha Levy and Carson Schutze. Don’t let me forget.
paying tribute
2003-01-04-3:57 p.m.
Dernise is sitting on the floor trying to sew up her purse with a hand-held sewing machine she bought. Its scary.
Last night, me, Heather, Tru, Gigio, and Gigio’s friend, Christine, went to the Knitting Factory, a club in Hollywood that’s part venue and part bar. Heather was all terrified that the 18+ venue was gonna card her, and was making up overly extravagant plans to elude the law. She got in without so much as a word from the bouncers. We saw two bands, Cheap Chick, a tribute band to Cheap Trick, and A Whole Lotta Rosies, a tribute band to AC/DC, of whom Gigio knew the lead singer, Dyna. Cheap Chick could have been SOOOO good, but they didnt have a lead singer and kept inviting different friends up to sing each song. Only two were any good, one of which was this rhythm guitarist named Sharon who just looked like the most introverted thing ever, but she was awesome. The Rosies were good, but I only know a couple AC/DC songs. Our group was the only one dancing. Between sets, when everyone moved off the floor, our group stayed and grooved to the soundtrack. We had much fun.
After the bands, we went and Gigio and Christine said Hi to Dyna. Tru and I have sore throats, and the club was dry anyway, so Tru and I got water. We had spent the last of our money on getting in, and I had gotten a drink when we first got in. Bacardi Silver is better than Smirnoff Ice.
While we were hanging out by the stage and boy watching, thei guy asked me to take a picture of him on stage, to prove to his friends he had been there. He had apparently sung with Cheap Chick earlier, though I didnt recognize him. He worked a deal out with Christine to have her send him the picture via Dyna when it was developed. It was all very odd, but strangely amusing.
Finally, this cute-ish guy Heather had been eyeing came over and told us to clear out. I dimpled at him and went “Is that a hint.” Im enamored of my own ability to make poeple laugh.
We didnt wanna go home yet, so we found a booth in the bar/restaurant part of the Knitting Factory, next to a large party of black people. As we were climbing into the booth, one of their number checked our girl-to-guy ration (4:1, if you werent paying attention), and called “Hey, can I party with you guys?!” Gigio and I went “Sure!” but he laughed and declined. I laughed and started with “Gigio, you were gonna share us tonight? But you promised!” and Gigio played along “Oh, not tonight.” “Good, cause you know, if you weren’t gonna play with us, Heather and I were just gonna have to play with each other.”
Pretty soon, the guy from the other party, Tiante, was back at our table, drunk as hell and trying to introduce a group, Rennaisance, that his record label represented. There were only two present of the trio, Justin and Chris. Justin was dark and short, but he had the vision, you could tell. Chris was tall and cute, a dark Justin Timberlake, I think. Tiante was singing their praises and trying to get them to sing “Happy Birthday” to him, and they were resisting, and silently trying to apologize for his behavior. Tiante told us that they don’t cuss, drink, smoke, or do drugs. Finally, someone else took Tiante aside, and Justin and Chris sat down with us. They sang a bit for us, and talked for a little while, answered our questions (Justin is 20, Chris is 18. I was fairly elbowing Heather by this point.), then moved back to their party. Tiante came back and noted how our group “is the melting pot, right here!” but we were “missing a flavor.” He sat himself down next to Christine, and grinned. “Chocolate!” He was proud that we had a little representation of everyone, but Heather pointed out that there werent any Latinos. Tiante thought about it, then shouted “CHRIIIIS!”. Chris is apparently Half-Latino. A hapa! No wonder he’s fine.
After they went back to their party again, I taught Heather to pass her number off to him when she shook his hand to leave. I know its a little skeezy, but I had reasons:
- Heather is hella shy. Its annoying.
- Chris is hella shy, and I didnt want him getting mocked or embarrased in front of his friends.
- I didnt want Heather getting static from the black women in the group.
She did it! Success! She was happy and giddy and scared, but I saw Chris skipping out of the restaurant a few minutes later. Skipping. Brother’s like 6′4″ and he was skipping.
But Im sick now. I’m going to Venice now with Heather, Tru, Denise, and Gigio. Denise, Tru, and I are sick. Aww. We match.
crickets in my diaphragm
2003-01-06-2:25 a.m.
They say it’s a feeling in the pit of your stomach. They call it “pangs” and write poems and songs about it. Donne described it as a shattered mirror that destroys the soul. It’s much, much worse than that.
Whenever I hear a really good song, where the guitar and the bass pull at my spine and my heart, I begin to feel it. I don’t cry, because I never cry. All the air leaves my lungs. There’s nothing behind my ribcage, and I feel a vacuum tugging at my throat. It doesn’t hurt, exactly. The same as “white noise”, it’s the opposite of pain. It’s the nagging reminder that pain should be there, and it will be there in the immediate future, but for now your being is suspended over the absolute crushing lack of pain.
Love isn’t a death sentence. It’s consecutive life terms without possibility of parole. Torture drawn out, each second a minute, each minute an hour, each hour a year, and so on until you’re facing eternity of something so horrible, so apalling and ugly and wretched, that everything you are, everything you could have been is sucked into the vaccuum.
Sometimes, when someone I really adore makes it plain that they will never think that way of me, and my lungs push out all the air, and my stomach roils, and my heart pounds against its cage for fear of suffocation, sometimes I feel a knife, right in-between my second and third ribs on my right side. I’d cry out, but by this time, my heart is trying to escape up my windpipe, but the vacuum is pulling the pipe closed. I bend over, and maybe whimper, but no one notices, and I go on with my life.
When the moment’s passed, when the world is green and blue and rosy gold again, I straighten up, and the vaccuum, abhorred by nature like an unwanted child, disappears. And for a minute, all I feel is what the books describe as hollowness. Except I’m not hollow. There’s just a piece missing. Right behind my sternum, there’s a tightness of panic and anguish that the winds of trepidation whistle through.
Why is that last kiss so sweet? Why is that first kiss so perfect? Why does every kiss in-between melt every sense of self-preservation I have? When you’re in love, kisses are like a drug. Better than sex or heroine. Every buss says that youre wanted, completed, safe, warm. If you died right then, your soul would float up to heaven, because you have been purified by your lover’s sweet, perfect kiss.
If I was suicidal, this would be my note to the world. Nothing is so wrong with my life that I have the right to kill or even harm myself, but I walk the earth with rattling chains of loves lost or unfulfilled or just plain missing. Where is the knight in shining armor that was supposed to rescue me when I was sixteen? Where is the brazen woman that is supposed to lift my chin to the shining rays of hope and kiss away my metaphorical tears? Where is that person who carries the other half of my soul?
vroom vroom
2003-01-07-10:29 a.m.
Did I mention I have my license now? I haven’t got the plastic version, and I had 8 marks against me, but I have it. I hate driving. I think Im getting better at it, but I always fuck up at something. Last night I drove to work because the busses stop running at midnight and i was working till 2am. When I drove back this morning I could NOT get a handle on the acceleration of my rickety little car. I was taking corners too fast.
John has a blog. I hope it is good for him. Maybe seeing some of this stuff in print will egg him on. Or not. Probably not. He’ll be a slacker until the end of his days, and he’ll always find ways to take pride in it. I haven’t spoken to him in so long, Im not sure what I would say if he were to call me. I couldn’t even leave a response on his blog because I was at a loss for words. What do you SAY to something like that? Its nothing he hasnt told me before, in one way or another. And Im getting tired of hearing the litany. Im getting tired of caring what he does with his life because he doesn’t have a life, and doesnt want one. He’s become one of the faceless bottom workers on whose shoulders richer people stand upon.
I need to do laundry.
I have three classes again. I was going to have five, but I was also going to cut my own throat, so it all works out now. Im taking Ling’s Language Development with Hyams who hates me, Abnormal Psych, and Advanced Psych and Law. Whee!
Yesterday, when I thought I still had a 9am class of Syntax with Sportiche (who is a Saint by all accounts), I went up to him at break and asked him if Schutze had spoken to him, since my transcripts were showing up with an I. He said Schutze had mentioned something and auditing would be fine. I skipped out on the rest of the class (ooh. Introduction to constituency tests. riveting. I could almost feel the cold steel across my wrists), and went to my counsellor, whom I have never spoken to in lo these many years, and it probably would have been a good idea to before I sat through Schutze’s class from hell. Natasha Levy seems a decent woman. Moreso now because she said I didnt have to take Syntax over again. But she did send me along to the Psych department to ask about Psych 100b. They wanted to send be back to Linguistics, but in the end, we came to the conclusion that I didn’t have to take that over either. Hurrah!
After all this I went to CLICC. I saw Patrick and Martin online and invited them to lunch at Panda. Patrick showed up just as Martin was leaving, and Heather showed up a bit later and scavenged. Patrick had to buy books, so Heather and I tagged along and kept him company/mortified him. Heather had class, so we walked her, then we went to Rolfe to see one of Patrick’s professors who wasnt there. Then Patrick wanted to go to the beach just to rebel against Virginia’s “snowy” winter. Silly Virginia. We walked into Westwood to catch a bus, ducked into Burger King for a drink (frosty and delicious cherry icee in my case. omg, is there anything finer in life?), then hopped the #1. My feet were killing me, so we stopped at my apartment to change into my hiking boots, only by the time I had, Patrick had fallen asleep on the couch. I decided that was a good idea and followed suit. We awoke long enough to decide not to go to the beach and to take off my boots. Then we crashed out again until Patrick had to go home.
Heather is taking a night class, but found time to take me to McD’s for dinner. Mmmm. Processed, fried chicken nuggets. Then I mooched around until work. I need something to accomplish. I may work on my website at some point. Ooh! you know what I need to do? Convert the fliers to PDF format. Oooooh!
It’s a hard life
To be true lovers together
To love and live forever
In each other’s hearts.
It’s a long, hard fight
To learn to care for each other
To trust in one another
Right from the start
When you’re in love…
Tonight is the first Buffy night of the quarter! Im as happy as a little girl! *pulls out shirt to make phantom nipples a la Dieter*
avoidance makes the heart go wonky
2003-01-14-12:11 a.m.
Not that Sapo will ever see this…
I didnt feel anger, Im beyond pain
Im boiling over, cold and insane
No earthly scream can show this,
No mortal man will ever know this:
How close to murder I have come,
But walk the world as though numb.
I’m Death’s handmaiden unveiled.
I am Artemis’ holy wrath impaled.
Cruelty is my master, I a wild dog;
Red-eyed maenad bent to flay and flog
You, destroyer, creator of my rage.
Never know the wrath in my rib-cage.
Every inch of me burns with hate
For what you wrought, unholy mate.
My skin is gone, my blood flows free.
My heart’s shards mix, cannot agree
How best to destroy that man I’ve known
Whom in my flesh has evil sewn.
My soul fair screams to do some ill
But yet, I make my burning body still.
No vengeance shall this vessel take
But quietly abiding peace shall make,
For society has done me much good
To eat myself up faster ere you could.
He’s been avoiding me for a MONTH. Unbefuckinglievable. And I think Adan is now too. Adan told me Sapo only left a couple days ago, and that means Sapo’s been getting the messages Ive been leaving for the last month (only five or so. Its not like I was stalking or anything). Adan said to call him later on and see if he wanted to do anything. Well, maybe we’ll go drink tomorrow night if I get everything done early.
I really can’t see straight Im so angry. I cried for the first time in…ever. It was only a half-minute or so, but it was weird, and just makes my rage deepen…
sister, sister
2003-01-18-5:55 p.m.
I don’t remember if Ive ever really talked about Toby before. Its kinda hard to describe how I feel about her.
Toby is…loveable. We look alike, but she’s taller, blonder, blue-eyed, younger, slimmer, more artistic, and apparently kinder. I’ve heard my dad say how her empathy has deeply struck him. She’s a straight-A student. Toby has a lot of friends and a lot of talent. She’s been given every opportunity I never had. My parents have killed themselves to make sure she didnt have the same crappy teachers I did.
In some ways, Toby’s talents resemble mine. I don’t have her musical ability, but she’s long since lifted my love of drawing, my sense of humor, and acting talent. All my childhood stories have long since become her own. And if you try to convince her otherwise, she’ll pat your arm and ignore you.
I, of the punk-grunge hair, am the straight man in our siblinghood. I was told not to take the Drama program. I went to London and Paris with a bunch of self-possessed Fratboys-in-training because I went the practical, unfun route of Law and Government. I hated high school. I hate many aspects of college. My prospects are so boring that I choke whenever I try to look into the future. But Toby has options.
Toby hates me. She won’t hug me. She won’t play along with my flights of fancy, nor with Poppa’s if it comes to that. She hates impulsivity. I nearly saw red when she refused to stay over near the County Fair because she didnt want to stay in a hotel. Of course, I snapped, and she cried, and my dad yelled at me, because how do you explain being pissed off from not being able to stay in PASADENA? She also will NEVER stand up to our parents. She doesnt like conflict, and it tears her up inside when other people argue. She’s clever enough to debate, but I dont think she could take the pressure of having an unpopular opinion.
Toby isnt a social climber, exactly, but she’s something close. When she was catching static in Jr. High, I told her to play along, make it a joke. She did. She’s the Tyler Durden of the Drama Freak club. If theyre not the “in-group” its only because they don’t wear Gucci. Theyre all beautiful and talented. Tomorrow’s spotlight stars.
We get along well enough, but mostly because Ive come to realize Im not going to run her off. If we tell each other stuff its only because we have to conspire against our parents, or because our friends are of no practical help.
I’ve taught her to be liberal and funny, and she’s left me in the dust. My parents have ALWAYS ALWAYS called her the artist, the actress, the writer, even in the face of my own accomplishments. Toby talks at length about her high school hi-jinx, because no one would ever tell the dreamchild she’s long-winded. She monopolizes any audience handy, at the expense of others.
But Im the only one bitchy enough to see anything wrong with the golden child. Im the only one ugly and bitter enough in her immediate vicinity to really dislike her. Im only the one who’s honest with her about some stuff, but even this I can’t tell her, because she would cry, and my tuition might get pulled to pay for her therapy.
Of course, I love my sister. How can you not? The perfect mix of warm humor and stone-cold cynicism. That flat, disdainful look she learned from me that she turns on me every time I say anything she objects to or doesnt want to hear. Those long arms and legs, used for pushing me away, or hitting me, because our parents to this day wont tell her it’s wrong to hit. That deep throaty laugh that all the women in our house have. That adorable improvisational skill, that raw creativity that was squashed in me ages ago.
I know its sick and cheap to hold yourself up to your sibling. But so much of her is me, or was me, before she came along and took it all away. If she becomes famous, I will hug her if she lets me, congratulate her, and cut my own throat.
burger
2003-01-18-6:23 p.m.
I made burgers today, trying to recreate something I had once. I put in all kinds of stuff, and it still came out overcooked and plain-tasting.
Yesterday, I took a job tutoring a 7th-grader. She and her mother seem cool enough, at least they laughed at all my jokes. I just hope I remember enough pre-algebra to really help her.
Aside from that, Ive watched all of Season 2 Buffy on DVD. Im officially a loser. My only consolation is having my puppy near me when I wake up to cuddle. I’d rather it be a human Im emotionally attatched to, but hell, we all know that will never happen again.
I really dont know if I could ever bring myself to be in another relationship. They never end well. I mean, sure, Im depressed and lonely when Im alone, but Im ANGRY when I’ve been dropped, or am confronted with someone I care about on a self-destructive path. And Im also terrified of all men now.
I saw Anna the other day, after I found out Sapo had been avoiding me. Anna…she wants to make things right. I want to call her and give her a chance, but what if she doesnt take it? Technically, I will have lost nothing. But Im always hurting inside right now.
Im so fucking sick of Little Sister Syndrome
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